Malifeo poked me last night.
Seems reading that you are some times ashamed of submission...You are submissive but it seems to cause issues internally...Why? Dichotomy even. What causes that dichotomy?
*nods* Neither Beloved nor I like punishment space. That is no fun in the head space, no fun in the pain space...just yucky. But what recourse is there when He asks something of his girl, and she balks? He's disappointed, she is all too aware of being the source of disappointment, so then tries to fulfill the request, but it isn't done with a sense of joy...more a sense of resentment and frustration, and the whole thing becomes painfully unsatisfying for both parties. One of the core questions is, **Is it submission if you would do the task ANYWAY?**
An example: Beloved and I weren't really in the D/s space this weekend...but Sunday morning, Beloved teasingly ordered me NOT to make the bed. Being who I am, that really irritated me...to leave a room not picked up is just...not nice. *shrug* I know...it's a hotel, but whatever. I recoiled and got stressed because I wasn't allowed to straighten the bed. Now...it's a hotel...with people whose JOB it is to pick up, and even leaving the room as it was, it was probably a "dream room" to come into for the maid service, since the only thing I didn't do was make up the bed that they would strip anyway. It wouldn't have made the maid service upset that the bed wasn't made...and my leaving it CHEERFULLY would have made my Beloved happy. So what was the problem? Why did I get upset about not straightening the bed?
Flipped around, if Beloved had ordered me to straighten the room, it would have looked as if no one had slept there, and I would have been happy.
I'm not OCD, since I don't make the beds at home. I don't exhibit traditional OCD traits at all. But there were times when we WERE D/s that Beloved resorted to dragging me to the bed, cuffing me, and leaving to MAKE me take a break. I wasn't locked up...just told, don't take the velcro cuff off. And I didn't. But just being told to STOP? I wouldn't do it...
The string around the elephants leg?
Exactly! I know there's a dichotomy...and I hate that it doesn't make sense... That's a big reason we gave up the D/s; because I fight it.
Why fight though? And if a dominant more prone to punishment were to come along would that help?
*winces* I don't know! Maybe if I did, I could accept domination more...or fight less. If I understood my internal struggles, maybe I could learn to submit gracefully when things didn't go my way. Instead, a horrible little brat comes out and stomps her foot and makes life unpleasant for everyone.
I don't know that more punishment would help...I suspect would just brew resentment and bitterness until I was broken.
And a drone. I can see where the stress arises. Damned if ya do and damned if ya don't.
Maybe not damned, but definitely miserable. *sigh*
Does this make sense to anyone??? Or does anyone else identify with this...dichotomy?
