I had a good weekend and I'm doing penance for it this week. oiy.
I suppose some of it is my own fault. I haven't been to bed before midnight once this week, largely because I've been having talks with Beloved about hard things. A lack of sleep always makes me edgy.
Add to that, I have been to the gym three times in three days. I am friggin' exhausted! Thank goodness tomorrow is Thursday and I don't have a workout to make!
I'm embarrassed and frustrated that after a decade of non-monogamy, the lifestyle caught up with us. I got a call from the doctor's office about an abnormal Pap for HPV, and they want a follow-up colposcopy. Yea! The bitch of the situation is telling my partners and my partners' partners. I didn't have it in June, I have an abnormal test now with an invasive follow-up. While I've only been with two people, there's no real telling who I got it from, or where he picked it up. So...yeah.
This has created some ripples in other relationships, and I'm feeling pretty miserable about being the cause. It doesn't change anything, but I'm sorry.
Beloved has been poking and prodding into why I have so many relationships. I feel like every time he asks, what I say sounds like an excuse and not a real explanation. Stuart Davis' Female Friend comes to mind, only in reverse. I'm hopeless. Sometimes...*sigh*
I was invited to go camping this weekend with yet another friend whom I'm interested in, but... *sigh* I am going, Beloved has said I can go. The guilt-complex I weave is about leaving him with the kids and potentially exploring another relationship. So, I accept the original "just friends" and we talk, hike, and potentially do some trance/mediation work. Easy. Right?
There's been MAJOR drama in another relationship, but I can't talk about that because really, I'm on the periphery. Beloved's reminded me not to take too much ownership, but it's hard because my friend is hurting so badly. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer.
End summary is that despite having the day child-free, I'm grumpy and tired and edgy. Sleep will (hopefully) go a long way towards sorting some of the stuff out, and the Serenity Prayer will add another layer of peace...
