Irony and munchies

Yesterday was a roller coaster. It stared out not so high and dragged me through the lows early. Unfortunately, Shado made himself a target. His claim that he "completely get[s] it" just infuriated me and I laid into him. The close of the argument was that he is going to give me space until I go looking. *sigh* I don't know if he is aware of how horribly burned out I am and how long it might be until I am craving company over alone time. I feel like a selfish bitch, and yet I am so relieved to be left alone.

I was chewing on the "selfish bitch" title when Beloved texted me about my grumpeous mood.

Perhaps you should take a moment out and read some of your own blog today. It can be quite uplifting and I get the impression you could use it.

Definitely some irony there...

I have been pretty grumpy, bitter, callous, and cynical lately. I have been trying...stretching...to break out of this negative rut. Using this blog is one of those tools that allows me to prod myself and really deliberately look for the better vantage point. It was amusing and ironic to be reminded to look at my own words. I appreciate the reminder and at the same time seethe with annoyance. Sometimes I am too stubborn for my own good...this is one of those times. Damn it, I've got my grump on! And I'm gonna grump until I'm done grumping!

Sir was also tease-y about my grump. He calmly told me that I was "being scowled at, grumpy." I responded that his scowls made me happy...totally a Happy Bunny moment, and I did manage a smile.

SSQ and Rain gave me an escape, and we went to the local munch. REALLY glad I went...I was laughing and lighthearted and enjoyed hanging out. It helped that I was sitting across from a cool couple...I friended them on Fet, so maybe maybe there are new people to hang out with.

I also got RiverVixen's phone number...last fall she said I could get some plants from her, but ONLY if I took some ferns, too. Oh, geeeee...twist my arm, why dontcha?! So...I'm hopeful about new freebies for the yard.

The ride home with Rain brought me back to a low point. The theme has been my lamenting my dispassion with motherhood, and others trying to make it easier by telling me how great the kids are, how much they love me, how I do a good job. *sigh* It is hard to explain that while I know I love my id, I really feel like a monster for not liking the stay-at-home gig; that I'm afraid to accept a day, a week, a month "free" because I don't want that time to end and realize it wasn't enough; that I don't think I would ever truly miss my present station as Mom.

*sigh* yeah. Tough.