a naughty vixen

I know....I know. A good slave would be content to wait for her Master's orders and desires. But I have never been very good about labels. And Kaya is being a bad influence:
"I came into this relationship wanting some very specific things. And, to top it all off, I not only think I deserve them, I demand that I get them. I demand that I get them OR I retaliate by witholding my own contributions to the relationship. Apparently, that does not mesh well with the slave board of ethics."

*giggles* It's true that I have my wants, expectations, needs. I don't withhold my contributions, but I do whine and sulk more. And it's been a challenging couple of days, since Beloved's mom is here. So when I came across this little clip >>>>

I couldn't help it. I e-mailed it to Beloved, asking:
"is it wrong that this clip made me want your attentions, Master?"

He wrote back:
"it isn't wrong because I like it."

MIL was out this evening for a meeting, so when Beloved came home, I was wearing my collar, something he commented on right away. After Boy was to bed, he said that I'd pleased him a great deal over the last couple of days, and that he'd like to oblige his pet. I managed to delay it for about 3 minutes while I finished his tea, but then I was naked and bent over the pool table.

The first smacks were pretty hard, and Beloved could hear the hesitation in my voice as I counted. He asked what that was about and I told him that they hurt, and I didn't know how far it was going to go. I know he smiled and he promised it wouldn't be any worse than the Gallerina. I whimpered and he asked if I wanted him to stop. "Only if Master wishes to stop" I managed. That earned me a 5-swat reprieve, but I continued to count...I really wasn't sure I could make it to 100.

Some would claim it's in the mindset, and I suppose they are right. I would make it to 100 if he chose to go there. The downer was that I was thinking exactly that...there was no zoning, no subspace. I was 100% here and now. And it hurt.

At 40, he stopped and told me to spread my legs. I was terrified he was going to slap my pussy, but instead he discovered my body's betrayal...I was wet wet wet. He teased me, finger-fucked me hard enough to cause ripple cramps, and I begged for his cock. So he gave me the choice:

He could stop.
Or I could run upstairs, get a condom, resume the position, and accept an additional 10 swats before getting his cock.

Ssssssooooooo not fair!

Yes, I ran upstairs. Yes, those last 10 swats were harder than the rest. Yes, I got used and abused and loved it.

*sigh*

I got exactly what I asked for. I just wish I wasn't so conflicted about getting it.

cravings

Life has been hell of late...Beloved's mother spent a month in the hospital and has now come to stay with us for a while. It's been three days now...I'm hoping hoping hoping that it won't be much more than four more! We aren't "out" to her, and so no more collar, no more sitting at Beloved's feet in the evenings, no more of the subtle play we've been enjoying. This makes the whole situation even more of a bummer.

And, because I have a perverse nature, I want what I can't have.

Boy and MIL went to bed fairly early this evening, so Beloved had decided to relax in the bath. I didn't KNOW this because he didn't tell me. I just looked up after the dishes were done, and realized he wasn't around. So, I went off to find him. Naked and in the bath. mmmmmmm....yeah.

I DID ask if he wanted to be left alone....he didn't say yes, so I plopped next to the tub and chitter chattered at him about this that and the other...the whole he had his eyes closed as if tolerating me and my eyes wandered, admiring his manhood, his chest, his strong arms, his manhood.........

When he decided to get out of the bath, he plugged the plug, stood up, reached for a towel...
and caught me staring, apparently very hungrily.
"Want something, pet?" he asks, teasingly.
I just nodded.
"Then come on in the bedroom."

I followed him, waited as he got into bed, spread his legs, and patted the space in front of him. I didn't wait for a further invitation! I devoured the poor man, grinning and humming and thoroughly enjoying my treat with abandon. I guess he was thoroughly enjoying it too, since he moaned, "God, you do know how to suck cock!" I couldn't imagine a better compliment...

Swallowing every drop, I exhausted him. I curled up on his chest for a minute or two, whispered a proper "Thank you, Master" in his ear, which made him smirk. Then I tucked him in...my Master, my Beloved.

Maybe if I'm really good and the Boy sleeps later than the alarm, I'll get to do it again in the morning...

Happy Valentine's Day

Every once in a while, a pixie HAS to take a break to be a little devil, don't you think? Hope you enjoyed your loves today!

thoughts on tears...

Last summer, I began exploring something with HalDer...a Dominant, a lover, a friend. On one of our first dates, we were standing in the parking lot in front of the ice cream place, and he caressed my cheek, whispering that he couldn't wait to taste my tears.

The gentle touch didn't mesh with the words. I didn't understand. The truth is, it scared me. I avoided the discussion for a while, then confessed my concerns, and because of many other complications, decided that perhaps "just" exploring the poly-relationship was enough for the moment. Between his relationship with his Lady and mine with Beloved, things did not work out in the long run, but we did have many sweet moments, and I count myself luck to have his friendship as I continue the journey.

Yesterday, I was chatting with him and the GD2 adventure came up.

H: The time we spent together was great. It really was. But being [Beloved]'s slave is where you belong. you already talk about it like a slave many years more experienced than you. you felt sub space...you were there.
g: I remember you saying you wanted to taste my tears...I didn't get it.
H: Tears are a wonderful gift that a slave can give her Master. But going much beyond tears......That goes to the point of.....well....of serious damage. And[Beloved] did an incredible job of feeling that in you, of recognizing it, and stopping when you were getting too close to that edge. It's that space of complete submission. Of giving yourself up, everything about you
g: I can't do that
H: Yes, yes you can. you did, don't you see that? What was left? The rest of the world was gone. you don't even remember the conversation on the way home. Tears are the point of giving up. Of admiting to yourself and your Master that you are his.

H: It boils down to what is right between your Master and you. Everything does. And that's where I come in. This is where I belong now...Right here...your friend to talk to about D/s.
g: but are you okay with that? cause on the one hand, it's kinda like a tease
H: It's perfectly fine. Actually.....it's probably what I need most right about now
g: a tease?
H: No, you brat. a slave's point of view

I've been thinking about that conversation the last day...there's so much I take as a compliment there. So much I am grateful for. I do wish that things had worked out because we were having fun, falling in love, but maybe our paths crossed for another reason.

Then, this morning, I came across this quote when I wasn't even looking...

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

~Washington Irving


I think I am beginning to understand...

Adventures in public

The Gallerina Domain 2 is recognized nationally for their BDSM education efforts. One of those is a FREE monthly presentation on a topic. Speakers are brought in from all over the country to present. I first learned about these presentations in December, and Beloved and I attended 12/8 (sensual spanking by Dan & dawn ) and 1/12 (accepting service by Sarah Sloane ). Both were excellent presentations and resulting in a lot of talk between us, not to mention a night out without Boy. After the January event, Beloved mentioned that he would like to see the club in action...during the Socials, there are tours, but no play.

Trying to be a good slave, I contacted a member we'd met and asked if he'd be willing to sponsor us for the evening after the presentation. He agreed, and so Beloved and I made arrangements to play 2/9.

We dropped off Boy with my parents for an overnight...a huge scary move since it was the first time he'd EVER spent the night away from me...and went directly to the GD2. There, I changed into a black tank top, a silver vest, black skirt, my silver collar with the lock, and my bell-anklets. After changing, I curled up at Beloved feet for a while in the social lounge, fetched him water and tea, basically waited on him...we waited until the evening's presentation began, and sat and listened to that for about 90 minutes...it was a disappointment...neither of us got much insight out of it.

Afterwards, non-members were shooed out, and things were VERY quiet. Beloved and I decided to step out for a bit. There are a number of toy shops in the area, and since we are looking at acquiring a new car for me, I get to go hunting for new bumper stickers! This meant I had to change again (it is TOOO cold to go out without proper clothes on). We putzed until about 10 pm and returned empty-handed.

Things were still quiet, but there was a woman in a see-through pink negligee and a blindfold...the note taped on her said she'd been caught masturbating by her Master and was to be punished that night....first she had to hand out V-day candy, and would you please enjoy some sweets? She was the only one in a scene just yet, although something else was being set up. Beloved and I returned to the couch in the social lounge, I at his feet.

Not much after our arrival, the gal was relieved of her clothes and put into a leather harness and knelt for a while at her Master's feet across from us. I felt VERY shy...she was small and tan, and rather perfect compared to my own self-image. To make matters worse, Beloved inquired about her tattoos, and she was obliged to show them off...

I was nervous and kept my eyes down, mostly, glancing up once in a while...Before coming in, Beloved and I had discussed boundaries and limits, and I'd agreed to be undressed, should it be his pleasure. Now, however, I was rather hoping Beloved wouldn't ask me to strip. Beloved must have noticed my discomfort because he asked what I was thinking. I told him honestly, and was chastised for my thoughts. He said he finds me very beautiful, and I shouldn't forget it!

Maybe to reinforce the fact that he was Master, Beloved ordered me to fetch my leash. When the girl's punishment began, Beloved led me to the room and put me in the "bird cage"...imagine a human sized bird cage thing....and instructed me to WATCH. Being shy, that was kind of hard. Her Master cuffed her wrists and then hooked them to a wire suspension so that her arms were held above her head, but her feet were still firmly on the ground. He spoke to her softly for a bit, and laid out his toys...a leather crop, a leather flogger, and a bamboo cane. He started with the crop, telling her to count backwards from 100...I was wincing in empathy towards the end of them. I didn't know what else was going to happen, but at that point Beloved took me to the other room...

He had ordered some food for me, and left me to chat with the bar-gal for a bit...When I was finished, Beloved led me to the other scene that was playing out....a male sub...older, I'd guess early 50s?...and a young Domme. She'd brought in someone who specialized in fire-play, and was teaching her. That was pretty interesting...Beloved might some day like to explore that...but more as a trust thing rather than a sex thing. He didn't find it erotic as much as interesting.

We returned to the punishment scene, and the final 5 canings were being administered. She was welted and crying beneath the blindfold, but also obviously wet...*blush* I did notice that....

As soon as it was done, her Master lowered her, kissed her, wrapped her in a blanket, and carried her away to "come down"...that's the term that was used. Beloved asked about my thoughts on the scene...I wasn't sure how to answer. The welts, the pain, the tears were scary, but...I found it....I don't know. It was obvious her Master loved her a great deal and she was excited by the experience... Later, Beloved and I were in the lounge, and the couple re-appeared, she fully dressed and smiling...not at all a forced smile...but a true smile. She said that they don't usually come to the club, but sometimes she needs a very forceful reminder about who is her Master. There is...something...there for me... I can't put a name or word to it, but I think I get it.

They left, and Beloved and I returned to the fireplay demos...Beloved had me seated at his feet, and he began to rub out my shoulders... Now, I have to explain that I am something of a backrub slut. I adore backrubs and neckrubs! Hard and deep...the kind that most people cry out in pain. It's one area that I am clearly a masochist, and I'm not afraid or embarrassed by it!

Well, Beloved was doing just that. I was so tense and it felt so good....I was trying really hard to be quiet, but I kept gasping and moaning....

Beloved stood up and told me to follow him...we went to the semi-private room...one that people don't usually enter when a scene is going on, but they can stand in the doorway and look...

No one was there at the time, but Beloved instructed me to undress, offer my ankles and wrists, and he cuffed me. Then he told me to kneel on the spanking bench and he restrained me in the position. He'd asked that I bring a number of things, so I didn't know exactly what to expect. Part of me was excited and thrilled that we were going to PLAY...that it wasn't just a night of observation...

Very gently, he began to rub and caress my ass....and then told me to begin to count. And the spanking began.

At first, I was almost laughing...embarrassed, it was fun...but Beloved continued, and he got heavier with his hand...always moving so the hits were in different spots.

At 20, I was beginning to feel the sting, and at 30, I came very close to begging him to stop...

At 40, he selected one of the bamboo spoons....the flat side hurt and made me yelp, but the cupped side didn't hurt hardly at all, but made a terrific WHAP! I guess Beloved decided he wanted an audience at that point, because he did 10 of the loud WHAP!s I was stinging and only vaguely aware that some one(s) were peaking in, but my eyes were tight shut, hoping to make it to the end...

At 50, Beloved stopped for a moment, and danced a large silk tassel over my reddened skin...While it didn't hurt, I was shocked at how sensitive my skin was! He also lit the body candle that we'd brought, and returned, caressing my back, whispering that I was doing such a good job...that he was so proud of me.

I thought it was over...but he straightened up, and SMACK on my sore butt! I yelped, and he stood there...
"Count?" he asked sternly. In shock, I stuttered out "51" and he continued.

By 60, I was in tears...and Beloved stopped, rubbed my back, caressing me..."Good girl, let it out...let it go...."

He let me cry but when I started to master my tears, he began again...soon I was sobbing, oblivious to anything but the count, Beloved's hand, and the fire of my backside.

By 80, I was....I don't know...maybe the endorphins were kicking in...maybe I tasted sub-space. I don't know. I had regained my composure (as much as is possible when you are mostly naked and tied to a spanking bench). At 90, Beloved whispered that the last ten were going to be the hardest to bear, but I hardly felt them...I was feeling very dazed.

At 100, Beloved stopped and kissed my back...he picked up the candle and gave me a wonderful gift and poured the warm oil over me, rubbing it in...it felt wonderful, especially on the tender skin of my ass and thighs.

Then he released me...I knelt there for a minute, trying to get my bearings...Then got up, and helped Beloved by wiping down the bench while he put the toys away.

He told me to go get my cloak (we hadn't thought of a blanket, but my cloak worked fine) and meet him in the Catacombs...another respected "quiet" room.

We cuddled and he asked how I was... My butt was stinging, but...well, *soft sigh* I felt quiet inside...content. I didn't really want to talk much... The gal from the bar popped her head in and asked if we needed anything...water or cookies. At her mention of cookies, I guess I reacted, because Beloved laughed and asked if I wanted something sweet. I did! He let me have a large piece of cake that had been brought by one of the other members...it was amazing!

(Since then, I've learned that you burn a lot of energy during a scene and after you begin to come down, it helps to have something. The only thing you have to watch is if your sub has a diabetic condition, because the action has a stronger action sometimes than insulin. Makes sense, but all I knew was that grocery butter cream frosting had never tasted so good!)

I still didn’t feel much like talking, and it was nearing 2 am (!)...so, Beloved had me change back into my street clothes, pack up, and he drove the hour home. I know we talked, but I can’t remember what about. Once home, we went straight upstairs to the bedroom…Beloved examined my derriere before I got into jammies and then climbed into bed and slept SOLIDLY until morning.

Ironic torture

Okay....so my last post was about not being in the "mood"...so I thought it was most appropriate to point out that my body simply likes to torture me. I am in lust now...now...when Beloved is still at work...now...when the earliest Beloved Master would be home is in three hours, by which point my lust will have been swallowed by Boy the Destroyer, who doesn't mean to, but quickly stomps out my desire for anything but peace and quiet....now...when Beloved has planned to be away for the evening, even if Boy didn't crush my libedo with unending rounds of ABCs...

*soft sigh*

yes, I do get the irony....and it's pure torture.

When you're just not in the mood...

That's a major question for me right now...I have been sapped and worn out with the last two weeks of non-stop care for Beloved's mother. I've spent nearly 30 hours with her at the hospital, and more taking care of her cats and apartment. I'm also trying to keep up with my darling 15-month old Boy AND answering to Beloved at night....

and last night, I just couldn't do it. I had nothing left to give.

Some might argue that Beloved simply isn't firm enough with me. Some might say that I'm a poor slave for coming up short.

Maybe they are right...maybe I'm a fair-weather submissive and not a slave at all. It hurts to think that...I have been trying, giving, everything that I've got.

I'm just...empty.

Beloved has given me some space today, and his mother is safe AND comfortable with where she is now...so I had an easy day just chasing Boy around. Already I'm feeling better...and one more night of undisturbed sleep (dare I hope Boy sleeps again tonight??!?) and I'll be back to myself.

Which is a good thing, since we are going to Elmslie Manor tomorrow and then have a lot of entertaining on Sunday...I'm going to need to be back to my normal, giving, submissive slave-self!