Malifeo poked me last night.
Seems reading that you are some times ashamed of submission...You are submissive but it seems to cause issues internally...Why? Dichotomy even. What causes that dichotomy?
*nods* Neither Beloved nor I like punishment space. That is no fun in the head space, no fun in the pain space...just yucky. But what recourse is there when He asks something of his girl, and she balks? He's disappointed, she is all too aware of being the source of disappointment, so then tries to fulfill the request, but it isn't done with a sense of joy...more a sense of resentment and frustration, and the whole thing becomes painfully unsatisfying for both parties. One of the core questions is, **Is it submission if you would do the task ANYWAY?**
An example: Beloved and I weren't really in the D/s space this weekend...but Sunday morning, Beloved teasingly ordered me NOT to make the bed. Being who I am, that really irritated me...to leave a room not picked up is just...not nice. *shrug* I know...it's a hotel, but whatever. I recoiled and got stressed because I wasn't allowed to straighten the bed. Now...it's a hotel...with people whose JOB it is to pick up, and even leaving the room as it was, it was probably a "dream room" to come into for the maid service, since the only thing I didn't do was make up the bed that they would strip anyway. It wouldn't have made the maid service upset that the bed wasn't made...and my leaving it CHEERFULLY would have made my Beloved happy. So what was the problem? Why did I get upset about not straightening the bed?
Flipped around, if Beloved had ordered me to straighten the room, it would have looked as if no one had slept there, and I would have been happy.
I'm not OCD, since I don't make the beds at home. I don't exhibit traditional OCD traits at all. But there were times when we WERE D/s that Beloved resorted to dragging me to the bed, cuffing me, and leaving to MAKE me take a break. I wasn't locked up...just told, don't take the velcro cuff off. And I didn't. But just being told to STOP? I wouldn't do it...
The string around the elephants leg?
Exactly! I know there's a dichotomy...and I hate that it doesn't make sense... That's a big reason we gave up the D/s; because I fight it.
Why fight though? And if a dominant more prone to punishment were to come along would that help?
*winces* I don't know! Maybe if I did, I could accept domination more...or fight less. If I understood my internal struggles, maybe I could learn to submit gracefully when things didn't go my way. Instead, a horrible little brat comes out and stomps her foot and makes life unpleasant for everyone.
I don't know that more punishment would help...I suspect would just brew resentment and bitterness until I was broken.
And a drone. I can see where the stress arises. Damned if ya do and damned if ya don't.
Maybe not damned, but definitely miserable. *sigh*
Does this make sense to anyone??? Or does anyone else identify with this...dichotomy?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Even Wonder Woman...
I've mentioned before how amazing and awesome my friends are, right? How unbelievably lucky I am to be surrounded by so much love and goodness?
Well, just in case you missed it before, I have to sing out praises and thanks to some very special people.
My Beloved, Saul was the mastermind behind this. He made plans for this weekend that began with a massive pick-up of the house, followed by dropping the children off and taking me thrifting for silly things...then surprised me with a massage appointment followed by dinner! I got to surprise him with an amazing hotel, with a whirlpool tub and fireplace in the room. grins
We sat in the tub for two hours, just talking. About life, about love, about dreams. After donning plush robes, he read to me while I gave him a pedicure and massaged his feet. When his feet were done, I asked him to lay on the bed and I massaged him in only the light of the fire and pet him to sleep before crawling into bed next to him and drifting off for almost 10 hours of undistrubed sleep.
Waking, we teased and played; he slid down between my thighs and made me shiver in delight before spinning around to a 69 until I was begging for mercy. Then he flipped me over and we made love and snuggled, enjoying our own private paradise for just a little longer. Showering and checking out was quick and efficient, but we languished over breakfast.
Coming home, Beloved grinned as his last surprise was unveiled. He had spoken to a number of our friends and arranged for the house to be SCRUBBED while we were gone! Danaeris, SSQ, Beloved's girlfriend, Rain, and her husband, AM, accomplished a list of little things I've been complaining about...from scrubbing boobie marks off the windows to moving the stereo to deep-scrubbing the kitchen. It was AMAZING!
Tamin and Simone were among others who weren't able to charge in but contributed to the drive and the energy of the event.
Coming home, I found the house smelling clean and feeling full of love and literally reverberating with energy, roses and a card that read:
"Even Wonder Woman needs a break a break sometimes!"
I didn't cry...but I was close! Thank you all sooooo much! I hope you know how much you mean to me and how absolutely AWESOME you are!!!
Well, just in case you missed it before, I have to sing out praises and thanks to some very special people.
My Beloved, Saul was the mastermind behind this. He made plans for this weekend that began with a massive pick-up of the house, followed by dropping the children off and taking me thrifting for silly things...then surprised me with a massage appointment followed by dinner! I got to surprise him with an amazing hotel, with a whirlpool tub and fireplace in the room. grins
We sat in the tub for two hours, just talking. About life, about love, about dreams. After donning plush robes, he read to me while I gave him a pedicure and massaged his feet. When his feet were done, I asked him to lay on the bed and I massaged him in only the light of the fire and pet him to sleep before crawling into bed next to him and drifting off for almost 10 hours of undistrubed sleep.
Waking, we teased and played; he slid down between my thighs and made me shiver in delight before spinning around to a 69 until I was begging for mercy. Then he flipped me over and we made love and snuggled, enjoying our own private paradise for just a little longer. Showering and checking out was quick and efficient, but we languished over breakfast.
Coming home, Beloved grinned as his last surprise was unveiled. He had spoken to a number of our friends and arranged for the house to be SCRUBBED while we were gone! Danaeris, SSQ, Beloved's girlfriend, Rain, and her husband, AM, accomplished a list of little things I've been complaining about...from scrubbing boobie marks off the windows to moving the stereo to deep-scrubbing the kitchen. It was AMAZING!
Tamin and Simone were among others who weren't able to charge in but contributed to the drive and the energy of the event.
Coming home, I found the house smelling clean and feeling full of love and literally reverberating with energy, roses and a card that read:
"Even Wonder Woman needs a break a break sometimes!"
I didn't cry...but I was close! Thank you all sooooo much! I hope you know how much you mean to me and how absolutely AWESOME you are!!!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Being brutal
It STARTED back in September...with the basement. I began sorting and purging STUFF. My inspiration to do so ebbs and flows, but generally seems to be picking up speed and gotten more brutal.
Last night, hit the bedroom. I went through and dumped stuff I've been holding on to for years. Like 4 pairs of nursing bras that I have hated and haven't needed since Girl gave up nursing more than a year ago. I finally am happy with fitting into a normal DD cup, and I've been slowly picking up replacements, but I haven't thrown out the ratty, frayed elastic, used and abused bras. It was incredibly liberating!
I also dumped four bags of miscellaneous things...clothing, books, VHS tapes, etc. Beloved was pretty impressed when he came in this morning and saw the pile. There is more I need to get rid of, but I both pooped out and got to the point that I wasn't *quite* ready to let go.
*wry smile* This is part of the reason I have avoided ToyStory 3. Earlier this month, I donated a trunk-load of toys and kids' stuff, and I'm eyeing the pile of stuffed animals that are currently residing under Boy's bed...
Like I said, brutal. But I'm discovering I kinda like the feeling. :-P
Last night, hit the bedroom. I went through and dumped stuff I've been holding on to for years. Like 4 pairs of nursing bras that I have hated and haven't needed since Girl gave up nursing more than a year ago. I finally am happy with fitting into a normal DD cup, and I've been slowly picking up replacements, but I haven't thrown out the ratty, frayed elastic, used and abused bras. It was incredibly liberating!
I also dumped four bags of miscellaneous things...clothing, books, VHS tapes, etc. Beloved was pretty impressed when he came in this morning and saw the pile. There is more I need to get rid of, but I both pooped out and got to the point that I wasn't *quite* ready to let go.
*wry smile* This is part of the reason I have avoided ToyStory 3. Earlier this month, I donated a trunk-load of toys and kids' stuff, and I'm eyeing the pile of stuffed animals that are currently residing under Boy's bed...
Like I said, brutal. But I'm discovering I kinda like the feeling. :-P
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"The Lies We Told"
I just finished a sweet romance-thriller book by Diane Chamberland and loved the ending. Summary: a woman gets lost in post-hurricane chaos, her sister and husband are led to believe she's dead, and they discover love and comfort together. When woman manages to get back to "civilization", it is "too late"...but the epilogue is at a backyard BBQ -woman is adopting a baby, sister and (ex-)husband are married and expecting a child.
"Now the triangle has become a circle, and a circle can encompass so much more. It can hold not only the three of us, but ...it will expand to take in whatever children will follow, and whatever men might wander into our midst. Whatever friends....and we can move forward."
*happy smile* THIS is what poly is to me...
"Now the triangle has become a circle, and a circle can encompass so much more. It can hold not only the three of us, but ...it will expand to take in whatever children will follow, and whatever men might wander into our midst. Whatever friends....and we can move forward."
*happy smile* THIS is what poly is to me...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Memories
Beloved stumbled across a risque photo from a couple of years ago that got mistakenly posted on the 'Net. *shrug* I still don't care since I still have nuddie photos floating around here and my patience with politics is GONE so it's not like I'll be running for anything. Maybe he expected me to be more embarrassed by it? I don't know.
But the find led him to go back through some entries here, and I was a little surprised to hear the longing in his voice as he mentioned it. I haven't really had a chance to talk to him about it, but I wonder what he misses, REALLY. I imagine it's the devoted service...and I feel bad about that. While he's still the center of my universe, I definitely get caught in the vortex between TWO kids.
Sometimes I miss the collared life, but honestly, it's not often. I chafed with the rules, failed "loyalty" tests all the time, and never felt like I measured up in the lifestyle. Thinking about it makes me sad.
*sigh* I know, I know, what works for YOU, don't compare, if He's happy...
Funny how memories of shared experiences inspire such different emotions.
But the find led him to go back through some entries here, and I was a little surprised to hear the longing in his voice as he mentioned it. I haven't really had a chance to talk to him about it, but I wonder what he misses, REALLY. I imagine it's the devoted service...and I feel bad about that. While he's still the center of my universe, I definitely get caught in the vortex between TWO kids.
Sometimes I miss the collared life, but honestly, it's not often. I chafed with the rules, failed "loyalty" tests all the time, and never felt like I measured up in the lifestyle. Thinking about it makes me sad.
*sigh* I know, I know, what works for YOU, don't compare, if He's happy...
Funny how memories of shared experiences inspire such different emotions.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Seek to be gracious
I try to see the good in people...I try to believe that people aren't purposefully hateful (took a minute to think of a word, since there are plenty of sadists who are PURPOSEFULLY mean, cruel, etc.). But seriously, some times I am severely challenged in this space.
I'm angry and dismayed by the behavior. I want to strike out, to antagonize, to torment, to create the "death by a thousand paper cuts". I want to wreak havoc in the individual lives, mess them up, teach them a lesson.
But it isn't my place. The petty little things I might accomplish won't carry actual justice. I know this truth, even if I don't want to accept it.
Instead, I seek to be gracious; to go quietly within the world and do what I can do to improve it; to offer patience; to turn aside the insults and release the vexations others would serve on my spirit.
I breathe...deeply, serenely, quietly...let them go, let them go, let them go...
I'm angry and dismayed by the behavior. I want to strike out, to antagonize, to torment, to create the "death by a thousand paper cuts". I want to wreak havoc in the individual lives, mess them up, teach them a lesson.
But it isn't my place. The petty little things I might accomplish won't carry actual justice. I know this truth, even if I don't want to accept it.
Instead, I seek to be gracious; to go quietly within the world and do what I can do to improve it; to offer patience; to turn aside the insults and release the vexations others would serve on my spirit.
I breathe...deeply, serenely, quietly...let them go, let them go, let them go...
Friday, January 7, 2011
Interesting scientific find...
Especially if you cross it into the BDSM world...
Women's tears tank men's libido
Men who sniffed such tears produced less testosterone and found female faces less arousing, according to new research.
By Amina Khan, Los Angeles Times
January 7, 2011
A woman's tears can be a total turnoff for a guy — if he smells them, that is.
Men who sniffed the tears of weeping women produced less testosterone and found female faces less arousing, according to new research that suggests a novel evolutionary explanation for why humans cry.
Communication isn't limited to language, said neuroscientist Noam Sobel of the Weizmann Institute of Science in Rehovot, Israel, whose study was published online Thursday by the journal Science. "And here, we've uncovered the chemical word for 'no,' or 'not now.' "
Emotional tears previously had been shown to be chemically distinct from reflexive, eye-protecting tears. And in animals, tears are known to convey important messages: Male mice that cry attract females, and blind mole rats that weep ward off other males.
Perhaps human tears contained a chemical signal too, Sobel thought. So he asked six women to watch triple-hanky chick flicks such as "My Sister's Keeper" and let their tears trickle into a test tube.
Sobel had assumed the tears would trigger feelings of sadness or empathy. Instead, the tears dampened men's libido like a cold shower.
The 50 tear-sniffing men whose testosterone levels were tested experienced a drop averaging 13%. Sniffers who viewed erotic images before submitting to an MRI showed less activity in the sexual arousal regions of their brains, too.
The results imply that "tears have some influence on sexual selection, and that's not something we associate with sadness," said Adam Anderson, a University of Toronto psychologist who was not involved in the study. "It could be a way of warding off unwanted advances."
Women's tears tank men's libido
Men who sniffed such tears produced less testosterone and found female faces less arousing, according to new research.
By Amina Khan, Los Angeles Times
January 7, 2011
A woman's tears can be a total turnoff for a guy — if he smells them, that is.
Men who sniffed the tears of weeping women produced less testosterone and found female faces less arousing, according to new research that suggests a novel evolutionary explanation for why humans cry.
Communication isn't limited to language, said neuroscientist Noam Sobel of the Weizmann Institute of Science in Rehovot, Israel, whose study was published online Thursday by the journal Science. "And here, we've uncovered the chemical word for 'no,' or 'not now.' "
Emotional tears previously had been shown to be chemically distinct from reflexive, eye-protecting tears. And in animals, tears are known to convey important messages: Male mice that cry attract females, and blind mole rats that weep ward off other males.
Perhaps human tears contained a chemical signal too, Sobel thought. So he asked six women to watch triple-hanky chick flicks such as "My Sister's Keeper" and let their tears trickle into a test tube.
Sobel had assumed the tears would trigger feelings of sadness or empathy. Instead, the tears dampened men's libido like a cold shower.
The 50 tear-sniffing men whose testosterone levels were tested experienced a drop averaging 13%. Sniffers who viewed erotic images before submitting to an MRI showed less activity in the sexual arousal regions of their brains, too.
The results imply that "tears have some influence on sexual selection, and that's not something we associate with sadness," said Adam Anderson, a University of Toronto psychologist who was not involved in the study. "It could be a way of warding off unwanted advances."
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