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Kibbles and bits

I don't have a single ONE thing to write about...more just tidbits of life. Hence, the list.

* I offered Beloved a contract for consideration. His suggestion was that I had not included review-check points. I haven't yet added that in, partly because I don't know what is really reasonable. I'm still nervous about a CONTRACT.

* I saw Bordello last night with ShadoKnight. It was an interesting play, and well-acted. I think that parts might even be incredibly accurate, but it suffered from too many trials, too many personal stories in too short a time. For me, the last three minutes of the play unraveled the impact and left me wondering what the hell happened. Admittedly, I have some fascinations with the idea of bordellos and prostitution and sex-as-currency. *wry smile* I'll probably author another sex-positive study if I go back to school.

* I'm presenting THREE classes SJW! Crazy the way things work, since one month ago, I had no plans for even attending. Beloved nudged me into nudging the staff, and they responded very positively. *shy smile* Maybe...maybe I do make an impression.

* I am walking in the Susan G. Komen for the Cure walk in August. I'm nervous and excited. I'm probably walking with Rain, too. Heads up, I might be asking for donations.

* Fifteen days ago, we had the 3rd worst blizzard in local history. Nine days ago, we were in a cold snap where the temperatures dipped to below-zero. Three days ago, it was a record-breaking 50F/10C. I thought *I* had bad PMS symptoms! Mother Nature is really fucked up this year!

* Drum circle is tonight. This is the first time in a long time that I'm actually looking forward to it in the hours just before. It's a nice feeling. I've missed it.

That's about it...for now...

blazing ANGRY

I'm not the swearing type, generally, but I am coming pretty close when the topic of Beloved's employer comes up these days. Beloved has invested time, dreams, skills for YEARS for this company. He put in unpaid hours during the layoff period. He has been paid barely two-thirds his market value and was promised that that would change when he returned in January.

Well, surprise...it hasn't.

The skinny is that company rebuild is not going to happen. There's 5-10 months on what came in from a partial sale, but Beloved is looking at no pay hike and an uncertain future.

B-fucking-S!

I'm hurt and angry by the way these jet-setters have treated him. It's one thing to toss a couple of million here and there to see what happens, and oh well if it don't pan out. It's another thing entirely to destroy dreams and crush souls, to string families along with promises, to treat everyone as if they too can just float on air.

I'm angry with the CEO, who just today tried to guilt-trip Beloved, saying that if he were to leave that the company might as well pack up their bags. Yeah, I bet the company would be crippled without Beloved's sacrifices because finding someone else who will put up and put in as much as Beloved won't happen.

Not to mention the fact that Beloved is the ONLY person left who has been able to deliver on pilot programs that actually work in the field.

Sure, there are impressive folks with big brains and mega credentials, but what good is that when they can't work together, can't fulfill deadlines, and are so difficult to work with buyers withdraw contracts and bids.

I sympathize with Mrs. Cratchit...'I wish I had him here. I'd give him a piece of my mind to feast upon, and I hope he'd have a good appetite for it.'

Beloved and I spent our date night last night talking. The topics were all over the place...kids, relationships, the future, D/s. Lots of deep and sometimes painful things that needed saying and sharing.

He is suggesting a contract. Just hearing the word makes me nervous. It seems so cold and filled with potential failure. He views it more of clear-cut expectations, something that would allow for a measurement of success and meaningful reward.

Can you tell which of us is the optimist? *wry smile*

But the fact is, there are aspects of D/s that we miss, that we crave, despite the frustrations of our experiences.

Like so many things in "lifestyle" options, it can be complicated. I've looked at various contracts over the years and rejected them outright because I would not be able to hold it up day after day after day with the flux of children, poly, and life in general.

But it doesn't have to be complicated. Even if the only expectation is a glass of ice water when he walks in the door, the simple act provides a daily 30-second reconnection, acknowledgement of what we offer each other. A moment to express "Thank you for being in my life and thinking of me," without having to say a word.

I'd like that.

So maybe he is right...maybe a simple contract of the services we offer each other is a new beginning.

It's complicated...

In my life, love comes easily. Perhaps too easily. I want to be be everything to everyone. The partner, the friend, the saint, the slut. I don't remember exactly what the comment was that inspired Rain to look at me and laugh, saying that my life was so amazing and so complicated...

I struggle with that. Because I DO want to be everything to everyone, but at the same time, everyone wants, needs different things...and I want and need different things from them.

Beloved Saul and I are forever. Married at 19 and devoted at 34, we are like two trees that have grown together, branches so intermingled that the only telling between is the different leaf shapes. We have others in our lives, welcoming them into our sturdy shelter, sharing what it is that we have.

I have started dating ShadoKnight, and I am keenly aware of NRE. No matter the justifications, no matter that we have been friendly for years, I feel like I am holding my breath, wondering if this is the relationship I've been seeking for so long...the one that is based in reality with breathless strokes of fantasy icing. Already, he has taught me things I never knew.

Jay is my service man, my FWB. I delight in being the slutty housewife for him and he in turn has been a dependable, wonderful man of all things, from cleaning the carpets to moving a friend to watching the kids while I went to the doctor. Jay remains a fringe in my life because he cannot integrate me in his.

Chef_Lecter, Sir, is hard to summarize. I turn to him when the dark fantasies need sharing, because he understands and delights in playing with those demons. His sadist frightens me, his love cradles me. He is the fire that can warm and burn, and he can change the intensity deliberately in the same breath. The short time that we played together wedged open an acceptance inside me...that while I struggle with the dark things inside me, it is okay to acknowledge them and even toy with them. I am both horribly disappointed and greatly relieved by the physical distance between us.

Malifeo is an amazing friend and sweet heart. The story has all of the fantasy-makings...a pixie, a Squire, friendship, challenges. I worry that this is based in fantasy with reality being just flexible enough to make this tempting. One hundred miles shouldn't be such an insurmountable feat, but it seems to be. Our first date carried the slight awkwardness of sub-sub, don't-want-to-overstep-but-why-won't-you-make-a-move. Dare I summon up the Lady to his Squire? I don't think I can offer Domme, but Lady??? hmmmm

While there is no relationship with Justlooking, he is a current representation of "others". I find someone and chat them up, varying the tones, the flitation, the things I might consider. Sometimes, my teases and bluffs have been called, and then I stumble, trying to figure out what it is I truly intend. The callous me is shrugging it off...yes, I'm a cocktease, and so far the Internet has kept me safe. The loving me recognizes a lonely soul and wants to fulfill the request. The naughty pixie me thrills at the dangerous proposition of meeting a stranger. The realist me shakes my head, knowing I talk big and am too scared...too scarred. And then I feel badly...that I have done him a grave disservice, no matter that my light heart and good intentions are very real.

Yes, it IS complicated. I am drawn to and care for and love each for what it is that is offered, for who I am allowed to be when in their presence, for the patience each has as I dance and change and worry and desire and BECOME all that is Pixie.

tired...

I'm tired of being yelled at. I'm tired of being told to take it easy. I'm tired of feeling sick. I'm tired of the frustrations that come with living life with other people...most of whom have my welfare in mind, but...jeez...I just want to be left ALONE and let to get better in my way.

physical hurts

My moontime started, so I'm crampy. I've been working out, so I'm achy. I'm fighting a cold, so I'm swollen and congested. blech.