Top Five Things That Happened To You This Past Year

Five things was a little too easy, in my opinion. I saw it as "five things you can't live without" and answering "food, water, air, sleep, and shelter". Booooorrrrrring. But TOP five? That is more about what really had an impact.

Beloved's mother died.
This changed things in a lot of ways. She was a highlight in our children's lives when she was well, and her willingness to watch the kids enabled a lot of our adult time. We have had a challenging bunch of years in taking care of her, and that burden is now gone. It is hard to gauge how Beloved and RedVulpes have dealt with the loss...in some ways, they seem unaffected, but I don't believe that is really the case.

I hit some double-depression issues.
Living with dysthymia puts me at a higher risk for depression, and I slid into some ugly places last summer. While I wasn't incapacitated by it, everything around me fell apart. I don't know how much the kids were really aware of it...Momma just let them watch a LOT of television...but I was peripherally aware that we weren't making it to parks or getting out much. The house was awful, my inside plants withered. By August, I realized how bad things were getting and quadrupled my antidepressant and made better efforts to get the sleep and space I needed to find my way out. I'm feeling a little edgy as the doctor is cutting back now...as if yesterday's rant wasn't evidence of that...but I think I can avoid the trap again...for now.

Boy started school full-time.
Wow...there is an entire new set of possibilities that are starting to open up. With Boy gone for seven hours, I am spending real focus with Girl for the first time. I see the developments Boy makes at school. I am starting to imagine new roles that I might take as my daily responsibilities shift from children to...something.

We were publicly outted to my family on poly-lifestyle choices.
This was odd and sad to me. My family has always known that I led a different kind of life, with drum circles, roommates, and alternative beliefs. I have never http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifhidden our poly choices, but likewise,http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif I haven't paraded it. Because I pushed some boundaries, questions were asked...unfortunately, the questions were not asked to me. Some of the people that I have admired have judged me and found me despicable for my choices; bitter resentment I never knew existed was unearthed. The hurts in this space are deep and confusing to me, and have drastically changed my interactions among certain family members.

Beloved and I did some self-indulgence.
Most of our seventeen years together have been spent very frugally and we take a lot of pride in how well we have managed. Last year, we did some real splurging for the first time. We spent a night at the Herrington Inn and visited the Kingsley House. We enjoyed a couple of Groupons for hotel stays and took advantage of GoldStar for theater tickets. For us, it was a very decadent year, and I discovered that we could manage doing this and not destroy our budget entirely. THAT is pretty cool!

feeling stung...

I started writing this after talking to Beloved and realizing that I was looking at my calendar and my relationships and desperately wanting to dump EVERYTHING and run and hide. As if I haven't been doing enough hiding as it is.

Songs from Nancy Ford and Gretchen Cryer's "Getting My Act Together And Taking It On The Road" plays through my mind.

That phone just keeps on ringin'
and somebody's at my door.
I feel all pulled to pieces,
can't find inspiration any more.
There's so many people leaning on me
I'm getting run into the ground.
Everybody's wanting something from me
and there's not enough of me to go around...

Damn it...I am trying...TRYING!...to regain my stride. I want to celebrate the coming of spring and I want to look forward to sharing my thoughts and feelings again. Instead, I am feeling increasingly clausterphobic. I am finding myself saying little more than NO to everyone these days. No, I'm not better. No, I am not feeling up for going out. No, I don't see you as a priority right now. (Ha! I started to say I don't want to...but I didn't!) No. NO. NO!

I always tried to please
I could make him happy
and put him at his ease.
He'd say "Smile."
So I'd smile, smile, smile...

Sometimes I feel like a selfish, whinny child about wanting...needing...my alone space. But if I don't say something, then everyone assumes I'm just fine, which I am. I'm F.I.N.E.! If only I can smile, if only I can pretend, if only I can fake it...

(Dear Tom)
you thought I was so loving
(Dear Tom)
you thought I was a saint
(Dear Tom)
you thought that I was perfect...
but I ain't...

I have been accused of playing with people's hearts, of leading people on, of being something deceptive, cruel, and evil. Maybe from one point of view, that is accurate. I feel like I can give something. An understanding ear. An ego boost. A clear mirror. Tough love. I am drawn to people who have needs that I think I can fill.

The problem that I find over and over and over again is that the need isn't really "fillable" with what I have to offer. It's like the classic addiction...the first time is amazing, the second time you need a stronger hit, and by the third time, you're hooked and can't function without it. When the supply runs dry, life as you know it breaks into a million pieces, and it's my fault for giving you that first time.

I closed you out
by asking for nothing
'cause I needed someone to blame
You couldn't give
what I didn't ask for...
It was the perfect game.

It isn't that I don't ask for anything. I do ask, and I think that initially, I ask pretty firmly. Don't expect more from me than I can give. Remember that I have my own family, my other relationships, and myself to take care of. Respect my boundaries.

I don't respect my boundaries, though. If you ask, I try to make it happen. Damn it, I am a PIXIE and I CAN make miracles happen. Just see if I can't...

Because I get addicted to your happiness, your smile, your approval, your desire. I crave the satisfaction of being the one who delivered when everyone else failed. As your surprise and delight dim to expectation and demands, I wilt under the strain. I can't... and I don't want to... fall from my lips more and more. I feel like a failure. Like a mere mortal, complete with limitations, irritations, and frustrations. I become anxious and angry and I blame you for being unreasonable. I pull away, hard and fast, and we both crash headlong into a pit of despair...

A fine mess I've made of things. Where I wrote with anger and frustration and cathartic determination, I now find myself worried about who will read this. You'll probably assume that YOU are the reason...that I am writing directly at YOU. That's not true...I am snowballing all the little individual irritations into an avalanche...no one person is to blame...it's not your fault...

Except that it is...

All I need is a little room,
a place that is fine and free.
A room where I can think to myself,
where nobody's needing me.
And then I'll find my way again,
and I will sing my song.
And I'll find the joy again
That comes when I'm feeling strong.

Like a cat who hides until its wounds are healed, I just need that room...that utterly alone space that makes me happy to be needed and wanted. *sigh* A couple of hours here and there isn't going to do it, for all that I wish it would and I am grateful for the support and willingness to make that happen...but...it isn't enough. And right now, I am scared because I just don't know where or when to find that place.

Please...please go away. Don't go away angry...but please, just go the fuck away.

Five Places You’d Like To Live

*soft laugh* I have lived within a 70 mile radius of Chicago my entire life. I've visited a lot of places, but I always "come home". With that bias in mind, it shouldn't be a surprise that my first pick is:


Chicago, IL
I do mean in the city proper, generally northside...Gold Coast, Lincoln Park, Uptown, Lakeview, Edgewater, Rogers Park...these are my stomping grounds. I love the culture, the diversity, the opportunities. I love my lake, and I miss it fiercely!!! A quick look, and real estate looks to be double my home's value, minimal. Oh well...I can dream!

The Rocks, Australia
This is another place that I spent very little time, but I would return in a heartbeat. The Rocks is the oldest part of Sydney, and it is just amazing. It is almost like every day is a festival, with live music in the streets. I don't think I've been anywhere that could match the number of SMILING people, either. Maybe it is something to do with the wild parrots that live in the city? I also love the water taxis, the museums, the food. If you get to visit Australia, try to visit Parliament. I know, it's in Canberra, but if the US Congress could take some lessons from the humor in those sessions! If I can't have Chicago, Sydney would be my second choice for major metropolis.

Denver, CO
I spent much of my early adolescence summering in Denver with my older cousins. My first "job" was in a greenhouse in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. I took tennis lessons and my first creative writing class out there. I adored the trips up to the mountains themselves...Pikes Peak, Breckenridge, Aspen. If I couldn't have my water, I would accept my mountains.

Astoria, OR
Scenic, historic, a mix of both woods and water. It's where I first tasted kettle corn and where I had true "fish'n'chips" served out of a lunch wagon. The farmer's market closes down one of the main streets downtown...you have to park and walk. And the gardens...oh, the gardens!!! I've only spent a day in the city, but I think I could find a good home there.

Fifth? hmmmm...there are a lot of places I would like to explore before I declared them places I'd like to live. At the same time, I am a creature of habit, so for my fifth place, I will say

my house
I like the house that Beloved and I have been working on for seven years. I like the energy. I like how versatile it is...how easy it is to move the furniture and change everything about the rooms here. There are major things I would do to the house still...de-siding it, repair/replace windows, build out the attic. I wish we could pick it up and move it somewhere else. I wish it had an acre of land to work with instead of the tiny lot. I wish there weren't so many questions about the neighborhood and I wish more of our neighbors were friendly. But for all of that, home is where the heart is, and I live with my Beloved.

Five Favorite Things About The Internet

Goodness! This one is a pretty easy one to answer!

diversity
I love how vast the Interest it, how limitless the diversity is. If you can think of something you are interested it or would like to know, you are almost sure to find out more on the Internet!

communication
From e-mail to FaceBook to individual interest groups, the communication made possible by the World Wide Web is remarkable. It's sad that hand-written letters are being phased out, although I honestly wouldn't communicate with as many people as often if I had to hand-write and mail.

education
Similar to the diversity, it is so easy to look something up. A few years ago, World Book was trying to sell us a $4000 set of encyclopedias. Really? There's the Internet! The educational value here, from accessing academic journals to zeroing in on zany words, is priceless.

current events
I read both the local and international papers online. I look up movie times. I find out about kink events. I follow political developments. The Internet connects me to all kinds of current events that I might not otherwise follow.

entertainment
How many hours have I spent chatting, blogging, gaming, watching Netflix online? Beloved STILL teases me because I didn't embrace the Internet until the summer he and I lived apart...1998, I think. Now, it is hard to unplug because the Web has become my primary source of individual entertainment.

Five Names You Wish Were Yours

huh. This is an interesting question. In grade school, I wanted to be a "Kate" or "Anna", partly because those girls were pretty, popular, and smart. So it isn't as though I have never thought about it, but I think the question is a little different today. I like my name(s). So...I will explain things I wish were different about my name(s).

momma
Do I really need to explain what I wish was different about this name? *half smile* I have struggled for more than five years to understand that Momma should not define who I am or what I do. It should not limit me. I wish people would not blank out when I tell them I am a stay-at-home mom.

given name
My parents gave me an unusual first name. It wasn't until college that I met a stranger who had the same name I did. That is pretty cool, now...but as a kid, I wished I wasn't so different.

nickname
I have two nicknames that are based on my given name. My family knows me as one name. Beloved gave me the other when I was eighteen. There is a funny story about how I moved out and gave my family my new phone number. For the first month or two, when they called asking for me by my childhood nickname, my family was told "Sorry...there is no one here by that name." Talk about frustration and confusion! Most everyone has figured it out NOW, but sometimes I wish I could resolve my dilemma about how to sign family letters.

lifestyle names
I have from time to time considered adopting a more unusual screen/lifestyle name, but at this point, people KNOW me. I came to those each of my screen names for my own reasons, not because they were cutesy or popular. *shrug* I suppose most people who claim them would say the same thing. Still, I wish there were fewer people who claimed the same names I do.

pagan name
I utilize my middle name as my power/pagan name. Again, I really like my middle name. It has been handed down through generations of my family and is tied to Welsh royalty. Unfortunately, it is also the name of a popular pagan publisher. I wish no one had suggested that it was cliche that I use my own birthright name.

Five Books

I love to dodge with question, insisting that authors are a better way to cover my preferences. The truth is, I still have favorite books from the authors that I enjoy reading. So...here goes...

* Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk
This is probably my all-time favorite book. It is a story of hope, possibility, magic, hardship, politics, sex, and assumptions. It was the book that allowed me to skip out of English 101 in college. It is one of the books that I pick up when I am slipping in my own life...although I didn't realize that until Beloved pointed it out. If there is one book on this list you are going to read, pick this one!

* Clan of the Cave Bear by Jean Auel
I think this book was important in how I built my own foundation. I identify with the heroine, Ayla, as a survivor. I enjoy her spirit and courage. I adore the plant lore and discussions on medicine and healing. I like the historical fiction aspects.

* By the Sword by Mercedes Lackey
Probably the hardest book to choose from Lackey's wide array of Valdemar books, this is yet another powerful female protagonist who takes her own path, studies, and achieves goals by being honest and making friends in unusual places. Fun, fluffy, tween fantasy stuff.

* My Side of the Mountain by Jean Craighead George
Yes, a "children's book" about a 12-year old boy who runs away from home and learns how to survive in the wilderness of upstate New York. This book actually won a Newbery Medal Honor in 1960, so I feel somewhat justified in enjoying it as much as I do.

* Caretakers of Wonder by Cooper Edens
This is about the secret activities of the Caretakers of Wonder. They are the ones who raise the sun into it's place and sow dewdrops at night. The book ends with the suggestion that some day YOU will be asked to become a Caretaker of Wonder. *teary eyes* The priest read this aloud as a part of the eulogy at my mother's funeral, and the simple beauty fit my mom so well. I have gone on to "collect" Cooper Eden's books and (cheating!) would highly recommend "If You're Afraid Of The Dark, Remember The Night Rainbow" also.

Five Excuses

One of the challenges about blogging is that I fall off the band-wagon. I start thinking I'm whining or depressed all the time and who wants to hear about that?! So, I found a new 30-day Challenge...My Top Fives. It will at least get me back in the habit of writing, even if you aren't all that interested... :P

Day One: Top Five Favorite Excuses
* I can't...
Total crap. I CAN. If I make it a priority, I can do anything I want to. This isn't to mean that it will be easy, but it probably CAN be done. End of subject.

* I don't want to...
Perhaps a better excuse, but still questionable. There are lots of things that people don't want to do, but that doesn't mean you can get off the hook with this one. Especially in line with "learning complaisance", saying I don't want to is a lame excuse.

* I am afraid...
ooo...good one, don't you think? Fear is a powerful force and it can be crippling. Fear can drive us to do things that are nonsensical or prevent us from growing. Some times we don't even realize it is fear that is blocking us. Fear is still an excuse, though. Indigo Girls had it right...Chase all the ghosts from your head. {You're}stronger than the monster beneath your bed. Smarter than the tricks played on your heart. Well look at them together and then take them apart...

* I can't decide...
This is a close cousin to the fear excuse. Usually we can't decide because we are afraid of making the wrong choice. Often, we try to not decide by doing nothing, and yet that is also a decision. Realize it, own it, DECIDE it.

* I am too busy... or There isn't enough time... or I'm too tired...
This one is one that I find myself using a lot. I do have a lot going on, all the time. Mother of two, involved in my family, host of Grand Central Station, support for more people than I can count... And yet, I have major huge time eaters in my life. Please note that I didn't say wasters. I am trying to modify my own language...it is an interesting exercise. Instead of wasting time, activities can eat time. Maybe there isn't a huge difference, but it makes it more of a conscious choice on my part. *chuckles* Blogging is one of my time eaters! So is gaming. *wink* I am considering a time log to see what more of my time eaters are. Another strategy...change your wording. Instead of saying "I don't have time" try saying "it's not a priority," and see how that feels. Often, that's a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, but that is not a priority. But other things are harder. I need to prioritize how I spend my time. Consider where you spend your time? What do you do all day? Are these reasons you are "too busy"?


Today's challenge summary:
Can I dare to PRIORITIZE my DECISIONS without being AFRAID of being "wrong"? Even if I DON'T WANT to, CAN I do it?