my Lioness

(If you do RSS feed, you might want to go back to "My Party" to see the photos from Rocky Horror Picture Show.)

Someone commented recently on my mention of my spirit animal.

"Religion" has always been a tough bite to swallow. My grandparents deemed parochial school as important enough to them that they foot the bill for nine long years. As early as kindergarten (5 years old), the Sisters worried about my soul, and in second grade (7 years old) I met a ruler for asking how you know you have faith in Jesus. I stumbled through Reconciliation and Holy Communion (8 years old). My father was not exactly helpful, encouraging me to bring home an F in religion class.

By eighth grade and Confirmation (13 years old), I had some harsh challenges to the supposed goodness of God. I'd been gang-raped, my mother was dying "because of unconfessed sins", and no matter WHAT I did, those Fs (and the $100 prize) were out of reach. I did not want to confirm my beliefs in the Church, I wasn't ready to be an adult in their beliefs...but the adults all assured me that my uncertainity were signs of my maturity. *shrug* I went through the motions for their approval. One of my favorite photos of that time is my Confirmation picture.

Like most teens, I was angsty and frustrated with my footing, but without an outlet. My mom died and my dad battled crushing depression and I stepped into "head of household". I read Fifth Sacred Thing and Clan of the Cave Bear and I formulated ideas that were condemned by the Church.

It wasn't until I met Beloved that I found others who shared these ideas, who played in the moonlight and danced around bonfires. We toyed with bits and pieces, mixed them with sex energy, and discovered realms of consciousness. One of the first times I orgasmed with Beloved (ever), I found myself slipping into a dreamspace. I was flying and tumbling and running. At first there was amazing freedom and peace, but I was like Peter.

“Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” ~Matthew, 14:28-30

God didn't answer me, though. She did. It is so hard to convey the image...this picture comes close. It was not a desert, but from a mountain cliff that she called to me. She was my mother, my friend, my protector, my teacher. Her calm, her solid body, her strength drew me and she kythed with me. When I was sated, she led me home to Beloved, her name on my lips.

Maybe it is a lot of "Woo", but my Lioness has taught me healing, showed me a better way to live, and reopened my willingness to talk to God. I mentioned my frustrations with religions earlier. Mahatma Gandhi said, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." I think that God and I have an accord; I will be part of the plan so long as I don't have to put up with the preaching.

*half smile* Hey...if God can talk to Moses in the form of a burning bush, anything is possible, right?

It's my party!

Yup, 36 whole years ago, at about 2pm, yours truly appeared on the scene. The scene hasn't been the same since! *laughs*

To celebrate, I'm dragging a bunch of my lifestylish friends to the Rocky Horror Picture Show at midnight. I would not have ever guessed that there would be so many virgins among you! To think that lil ol innocent ME gets to pop at least six cherries tonight is hilarious!



I'm currently thinking my black PVC jacket with black PVC corset, some barely public bottom with fishnet stockings and boots with three steel buckles. We'll see...how I'm feeling. Part of my reserve is girlie post-surgery bloating makes the idea of a corset a little daunting! Part of it is costuming at my 70-year-old aunt's house with my da and kids hanging about! If I pull it off, I'll get pictures!

UPDATE: I did get pictures!

The whole crew!


Tomorrow I am dragging Futhark and Beloved over to Shado's house and we are gunna to demolition derbies to a rotten shed and ancient picket fence. Monday will be off and running the kids, (hopefully) with Futhark and his crew.

By the way, Monday is Memorial Day in the USofA...it's supposed to be a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces. You don't have to agree with war...I sure as hell don't! *crooked smile* My da and I like to round-robin on this...mercenary vs. patriot. My opinion...the paycheck our soldiers get doesn't cover the courage and faith that it takes to give up your life. Sure, it's a gamble they may be willing to take, but I'm pretty sure *I* don't have that level of commitment for something vague like "my fellow citizens". Anyhow, amidst all of the fun and yumminess of the BBQs and hang outs and free-day bumminess, please take a moment to reflect on the reason we have the day off.

Don't look back

When you run the race of life, don't look back...it will only slow you down. ~Ben Gordan, Ripples #674

I have found that when I am on the computer, I am often trapped into looking backwards, remembering, regretting. This is not a good place for me to be. I have been experimenting with consciously limit the time that I am on the computer. Funny thing...when I log off, I am more able to create real magic, accomplish more tasks, and get excited about moving forward.

Of course, this means that I am even more elusive than I was before! *laughs* Don't like talking on the phone, not regularly on Facebook, and NOW I'm cutting down on chat AND e-mail? Next thing you know, I'll drop off the world completely! Not really sure what I can tell ya, except that I think Mister Ben is on to something...looking backwards DOES slow me down!

new plan...

So I got the apple tree planted...but...um...yeah...not much else got in the GROUND today. Grand plans and all that. But I *did* find the magic cord, so here are some update photos of the garden...






Daylilies about to burst into bloom and common chives








Budding Liatris, Lupus seed pods developing, Rhubarb seed pods





Tea roses going crazy, saw-tooth sunflowers and buds, ripening strawberries





Pink sundrops, tomato promises, first echinacea and golden sedum



First sprigs of lavender and more sedum

Thursday! CHAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGE!

Ya know, five hours seems like a lot of time to spend on yardwork. 9:30am-12noon and 8:30-11pm. Take what I can get,it seem like I only scratched the surface of what needs to be done, though. :-S What was I saying about biting off more than I could handle this spring??? yeah... The cool thing is that I got a lot of the boring work done yesterday. Mowing the grass (although I did the back in the dark and there are two places I completely MISSED...go figure), weeding, watering straw bales, raking.

The unpleasant chore still waiting deals with three partial compost bins...little stinky, but basically I need to dump them and sieve out the bits that need to go back in and back, and then brew up some compost tea to work the rich good stuff into the straw bales. Inching closer to when I can plant them! *Hopefully* I will be better on task next spring and I will get all of this started in March and not the end of May!

I lost a batch of petunias and the green sweet potato vines, but I think I can get replacements...or not worry about it, which might be the better plan. I also got some pictures, but I can't find the magic transfer cord, so I'll have to see about uploading them later.

This morning, there are about 30 plants that are prepped and waiting patiently for me on the porch...purple asparagus, blue passion flower vines, scarlet bee balm, wintergreen, chocolate vine, goji berries, honeyberries, and yes, even an apple tree. Yes, I'll have to wait a couple more years, but edibles galore! I am so excited about all of this! Fitting it all into what space is left...hmmm. (Hopefully Beloved won't read this until AFTER I have plotted everything. :P)



Other two goals for the day:

* clean the bathrooms! oiy. I don't *mind* bathrooms, but I think I am the only person in the household who does clean them, and I have been out of commission for about 2 weeks. Little scary.

* finish washing laundry! I think 3-4 loads and it will be all clean. Then I can add it to the 3-4 loads that need to be folded (making about 8 loads of folding), and add THAT to the 3-4 loads that are in reasonable piles that need to be put away (12 loads total). That breaks down to 3 loads per person per week for clothes, towels, bedding. That's pretty reasonable, isn't it? How long before I can put a step-stool next to the washer and let the kids wash their own clothes, towels, and bedding? *sigh* Yeah, probably too long. *laughs*

I am presuming that Girl will not complain too much about either helping or going into her room and tearing all the books off the shelves...but my fingers are crossed!

Hmmmm-ing more on submission, garden, and a little TMI

“Submission depends on the individual’s ability to align his will with that of the dominant and use his intelligence to fulfill her wishes gracefully and efficiently.” -Christina Abernathy, Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual

"That is not to say you cannot challenge his ideas, you know, keep him from destroying himself or the family...that's okay!"
-Mark Gungor

Note to Self: There is no mention of bdsm, kink, play, or service, even a "lifestyle" resources. I also like the incorporation of intelligence. If there is no intelligence, you might as well que the March of the Lemurs. The act of submission means little if life railroads you constantly; it means the most when offered by someone who is strong and confident in their own right. In that case, submission can be appreciated as the ultimate sign of respect.


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The garden is in a frustrating point...the second wave of blooms is going to seed, the third is hinting at a color explosion, but it looks a little bedraggled right now. I want to tidy, but I also want some of the precious seed pods that haven't dried out enough to harvest. *hops from on foot to the other* Someone recently pointed out that patience is not among my virtues. Very true!

Oh well, maybe I'll get some pictures up later on.



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Five days post-ablation, and I have a bloody mess. I was warned it *might* happen, but it's a disappointment that my "last" moon wasn't really my LAST. Blah. I'm going to go pop some ibprofen before picking up the spade and shears.

What's submission got to do with it?

Cindy Easley wrote a book with that title, and I was highly amused when I saw it on the thrift store shelf. For 69 cents, I figured I could indulge. It wasn't until about a week later that I finally got to open it and at first I had to bite my tongue. It is BIBLICAL. Not the occasional reference, but multiple quotes on ever page through p61 (I haven't gotten further yet).

I can get particularly cankerous about "The Word" because quite frankly, this IS NOT the Word; this is the message that was translated from an experience with an angel, a burning bush, a dream. The message was then translated from Aramaic to Greek and Latin, and THEN translated to modern language. There are over 30 different Bible translations and versions online, all slightly different. *raises eyebrow* Care to tell me which one is correct? Not to mention, there are other Great Books that also claim to be The Word. I don't have enough knowledge, but I suspect they suffer from the same diverse translations and resulting subtle differences. *shrug*

This very simple belief is why I am not a religious person...spiritual, yes, but not religious. I am grateful for Beloved's Grandad, himself a Presbyterian church leader, who says that it is best to "eat the fish and spit out the bones." You can choke to death on those bones if you aren't careful.

All of this leads to a bit of surprise that I am finding some very true bits of wisdom in this book. Things that are echoed in Mark Gungor's materials, and I really love his work! Simple things. "Every man wants his wife to believe in him." In For Men Only, Shaunti Feldhahn wrote, "The male need for respect...is so hardwired and critical that most men would rather feel unloved than disrespected or inadequate."

I am opinionated, independent, strong-willed, not afraid to make decisions or open my mouth or take on leadership. I am not a doormat, nor would Beloved put up with me being a doormat. He *needs* me to be strong, to be a leader, to be his helpmate, to represent him when he is elsewhere. But so much of that got messed up when we started delving into D/s...mostly because it came with the trappings of BDSM and things we weren't truly interested in. We've fumbled through concepts, contracts, communications, but I never really found what I was looking for.

Submissive women is NOT a popular idea. It is not culturally acceptable or even open for discussion in a society that worships equality. Sitcoms carry the theme of "the slob-idiot-man married to the beautiful and brilliant woman," and it is hilarious and laughed at. There is a real struggle for a girl who is seeking meaningful submission.

Just two weeks ago, I shared the moment my desire for submission was born when I walked out of the hospital, owned and protected by my husband, and outside any other attempts of authority over me. Combining that memory with Gungor's "be his number one fan" and Easley's "One of the greatest gifts we can give to our husbands is to bring them honor and respect..." I think maybe I am finally finding a picture I understand.