Something amazing

Hi...yeah, I know I've been gone a while. A lot has gone on, and I'm not going to fill in the details.

What brought me back was a cry for help from someone else. In a few hours, we rallied people to create a (hopefully) safe situation, despite a workday, despite complications. We will make it happen.

THAT is something I love and appreciate about "lifestyle"...the way people come together when a cry goes out. The cry may be for help or it may be for celebration, it doesn't matter. We are there, in good times and bad. thank you!

What do you want?

My love, you came down and I was typing a story. You asked what kind of story and I replied, MY story. It boils down to someone asking what it is I want. I've dodge the question often enough, but right now, I'm a little buzzy from the mojito. *smirks* I didn't even finish mine! Anyway, I'm answering the question for YOU.

Being the naughty flirty pixie that I can be...and loving, adoring to cause trouble while I am safe behind a screen...I have been asked by different guys what it is I want. To really explain it, I have to go back to the beginning of my journey.

Three years ago, I snidely answered Halder's craigslist posting asking if anyone knew about the Code d' Odalisque. I looked it up. It was the fantasy pleasure slave, kept and reserved for sexual pleasure. One of her perfected artforms was cockworship. I was mesmerized. At the time, I was a new stay at home mom with an infant, overwhelmed with life changes, hormones, and loneliness. I imagined being swept away, a nursemaid to take the babe, a cleaning service for the house, and all I had to do was be prepared to pleasure my lover at any and all time.

Sadly, the reality was that I was STILL a new mom, STILL home, and there were STILL laundry and chores and meals. Nothing really changed, except I wore a collar and called myself "slave". (I have always called you Beloved online...it was simply lengthened to "Beloved Master".)

After three years and another child, we both decided it wasn't working the way of the fantasy. Your mother's health, the kids being in the "terrible toddler" stages, our own needs...they didn't fit into the D/s relationship we imagined and we didn't really have the time or interest to figure our own thing out. So, we dissolved it, agreeing we were still free to consider other opportunities.

Being pixie, I have cheerfully teased and flaunted and strut my mischief online, and I have been asked, What do you want?

soft smile I remember the other day when you were explaining JB's intimidation of dating me...or rather, setting up a date. That is the beginning of what I want. I don't want to be in charge. I don't want to be asked or expected to do the chores or handle whiny kids. I want to be whisked away from my whole world, just for an evening, a night, a weekend. I want to dress up and be taken out, even if it's just to the diner down the street, shown off. I want to be the girl that makes beautiful women enviously scoff at "the hussy" and make every man wish to be in your place. And then I want to be the goddess of your dreams, on my knees, willing to pleasure you however you wish. Rough, gently, kinky, slutty, sensual. I want to be the one you remember for the rest of your life...not just some lay you fucked, but the woman who was your universe...the pixie who appeared magically and mysteriously disappeared into time.

laughs How's that for a fantasy of what I want?

why?

I've been flattered by some comments over the last couple of months. Things like:
"You have far more of an impact on people than I think you realize..."
"We are so going to miss you, in more ways than you know."
"I learned so much from you, and it was all from peripheral contact..."


I guess I have some issues with low self-esteem or self-worth or something. I keep wondering what others see in me. I do not understand. I feel like such an outsider when it comes to groups...even the groups that *I* start! How is it that have an impact on people if I am so isolated and alone inside? What is it that you see that I don't???

*sigh* I don't really expect answers...I've asked this before and maybe I need someone with a sledgehammer to pound it into my head...but if you're reading this, well, clue me in. WHY?

Definitions

Submissive:

* inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient
* marked by or indicating submission

Submit:

* to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
* to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
* to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.

*sigh* WTF. That's pretty much the summation of my thoughts on the whole thing. I am NOT "unresisting or humbly obedient". I'm not so good at accepting another's judgment. I certainly don't "yield" myself to an authority. In point of fact, expressing authority is the FASTEST way to being out my inner bitch...

So why do I struggle with this desire to BE a submissive? What is it? Am I imagining some wonderful fairyland where the submissive is free of responsibility? Have I fallen for the idea that the sex is amazing? Is it the "proof" that a relationship is so deep and trusting?

Beloved and I have spent the last hour lost in translation. We're both sleep-deprived and (desperately) trying to be gentle and supportive when we both just want to lash out, scream, yell, and tantrum about how fricken HARD it is to have a newborn...

It's been over a year now since Beloved and I played with any kind of regularity. I take the majority of the blame for that...between the mess I made with Cole and the pregnancy complications it just hasn't been a part of our lives. Four weeks ago, because I was having surgery, Beloved had to cut the cord of my collar.

Did things change? No. Like I said, we haven't really been D/s for a year now. Do I miss it? That's hard to answer.

My purpose, my focus right now is two children. My children. Nothing could be greater than that, right? I'm supposed to be enamoured and inspired by these two little miracles of life.

I do love them...but...

*sigh*

UberDom and UberDomme. I submit to their needs, whims, cries, and laughs. I try to fulfill their every waking hour with loving care and attendance. I want to see them succeed and grow and amaze everyone the way they amaze me...

but...

I'm becoming "the mom"...and I am losing myself in the process.

Submissive Journal Prompts

LunaKM asks, "Are you ever jealous of time your {primary} spends with other partners in the relationship? How do you cope with that?"

The question has been asked of me by different people in different relationships. My answer is that sometimes I DO get jealous, but that jealousy is a signal to me to examine what is going on in ME.

Beloved and I have a strong friendship and a deep marriage. We've had a lot of roller coasters to get here and the ride isn't half over yet, but I do not have any doubt that Beloved is "coming home" to me and the children. If I am feeling jealous, I need to look at the reasons for it. Most often, it is because I am over-tired and stressed out with the children and I am missing the relief Beloved offers when he walks in that door. In that case, the simple solution is to take advantage of the "free" evening by catching some more sleep.

Easier said than done, though. The prospect of going to sleep alone in the big bed is not one either one of us relish. Beloved has in fact slept on the couch on one or two occasions that I have overnighted somewhere, and I often indulge Boy (and soon Girl, when she's not so likely to fall out) by allowing them to sleep with me. Or I rearrange the pillows so that I can cuddle up against Beloved's scent. Maybe that is a dodge, a bandaide, but it works for us.

Sometimes, I will very clearly ask that a particular date be set aside for US. That has bitten me in the ass a couple of times when I put so much importance on an event that is subject to {childcare, finances, energy}. Sometimes it's a real let down when things fail to go my way and I sulk for a while.

Sometimes, I indulge in naughty chats with strangers, flirting and making THEM jealous of Beloved and bolster my self-esteem by being desirable and unattainable. I enjoy that high quite a bit.

Sometimes, I vent my emotions in chores around the house. That is occasionally correctly interpreted by Beloved as "pixie needs some attention"...sometimes not. That is a tricky navigation, because in that case *I* am not communicating with Beloved the way I should. Maybe that is a warning to you...if you find yourself hoping your primary will notice something, you should TELL them. Maybe leave a note ("Could you look at ABC before you come to bed?"). *sigh* That seems like a leading question, and it is...it is a plea-code for "NOTICE ME AND REMIND ME YOU LOVE ME!" I don't have the perfect answer, because I do fall into this pattern, but being aware helps.

Do you have other coping mechanisms for when your partner is gallivanting the countryside?

Oh Me So Horny

*smirks* They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Beloved being away for a few days (and being mid-cycle myself) had a decidedly heightened effect. He played a little rough Sunday morning (as in 2am) and that sated me a bit... But Monday, I was feeling playfully randy so I showered and trimmed and dressed up in pig-tails and a school girl skirt. Nothing happened until this morning, but Beloved determinedly locked the bedroom door and took his time and it was wonderful.

Only hours later, I'm wondering if he will do it again tonight...*sigh* I can be such a cock whore sometimes.

Surprise! You aren't alone...

Yesterday, I learned that someone I admire and respect and have thought of as a model slave was just released. My jaw dropped. Really? YOU? HIM? huh. wow.

I guess I've been aware of underlying stresses and agonies, but just thought that this particular Master and slave couple could overcome anything. It turns out they are human, too. I'm sad for them; I know that the M/s relationship is serious business and that the release is not simple.

I also got maybe a tiny taste of the surprise others expressed when Beloved and I dissolved our status. Although *I* had seen and mentioned our struggles, it was a shock to learn that some, like MTR, thought "you two appeared to be an ideal couple in that regard." Being inside the storm, I couldn't imagine that others saw strength where I saw weakness.

It's always strange when you learn such things. It's not EASY by any means, but normal (as if ANYTHING is "normal"). There was a magnet that I really liked...Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. There is cool comfort in that.