Confused...

While I suppose people are interested in the scenes I've been playing in, I'm more contemplating the results.

Last night, after a complicated exchange, Beloved and I got into a rough and tumble match...him trying to get me into cuffs, me fighting like a hellcat to stay out of the cuffs. It was fun...playful. I guess I didn't really realize how frustrated Beloved was getting with the situation. A packing strap came out of the toybag and I have a few rope-burns because of it, but Beloved was pretty confident that he'd managed to bind me...except that I realized it was kinda like Chinese finger cuffs...if I stopped fighting and pushed instead of pulled, the strap loosened just enough for me to get out... Exasperated, he tossed the other cuff across the room and flopped on the bed. I immediately jumped up and cuddled next to him, like a cat in cream. He laughed, we talked...

But then he made a comment about not punching me...or that the belt could have gone around my neck...

Something inside of me just deflated...shrank. It wasn't fun anymore. Instead of being a switchy playmate, I was suddenly feeling like a poser-wannabie. I only want to play if it's a fair fight. If it ain't fair, I'm gonna sulk and pout. I'm only willing to serve on my own whim. I'm scared of the edge play.

I withdrew and grabbed a shower, thinking on the puzzle. I lay in bed, wondering what the hell I was doing. I've been mulling it over all day. I'm tired and confused.

I think a big piece of it is that I'm falling into the trap of comparisons. What I'm comfortable with, what I enjoy isn't as extreme as what others are doing. I'm not a "good" submissive because I fairly actively avoid any real pain-scene. I need to stop that. The only one who matters is Beloved, and he seems pretty happy with my play-levels.

But another piece is the whole "topping from the bottom". If I enter into a scene with a set of expectations, rules, demands for "fairness", is that topping from the bottom? Does it kill the fun if I'm not willing to be forced beyond the edge? Like the scene earlier this month, I reach the point that I was ANGRY and lashed out and it was no longer okay.

I don't know how to balance this. If you are a subbie reader, what do you do when it isn't FUN anymore? Do you safeword out? Do you withdraw into "subspace"? Do you negotiate "scripted scenes"?

If you're a Dommy reader, how do you deal with it when a sub withdraws or otherwise ends a scene? What would you consider "topping from the bottom"?