More than two years ago, Chef_Lecter asked if I was looking to re-experience my rape...if that was a part of what I was looking for. The question was horrific to me. I vehemently denied any part of that fantasy. Yet, the question has lingered in the back of my mind all of this time.
Last night, a chat with ShadoKnight reminded me that I *strive* for the vixen slut...The persona of Pixie is carnal and base. I am the one that drives men wild, satisfies and sates fantasies, enslaves their desire and leaves them wanting more. I am a drug. I inspire possession. I crave it.
I want men to get turned on when they walk by me, to have to turn away and adjust their crotches. I want women to cream their panties at the touch of my skin, the smell of my hair. I want to be the object of desire, up on a pedestal, a truly magical mixture of femininity, nobility, sophistication,...and then I want to be dragged off that pedestal and ravished.
But I don't actually want the sex. I don't want to give up MY pleasure...it isn't about me...it's about YOU....YOUR pleasure and base desire. I *want* you to lose control and *take* me. But...rape is horrific. I don't want that...Do I???
My childhood heroes were Robin Hood and King Arthur. I used to imagine making over the world...convincing the Vatican to ordain me, curing cancer, achieving political stature Camelot-style.
Instead, I find myself a stay-at-home mom in suburbia. If there is any area where I can hope that there is something that sets me apart, that makes me a little bit more than I perceive myself to be, it is in my submissive nature. The dark fantasies, some which I have shared here...the thrill of Beloved's hand cutting off air...Chef_Lecter's undoubtable statement that if I didn't submit, I would be raped.
And that scares me. As a woman, something of a feminist and a good liberal, I should be disturbed to find myself admitted a desire to be objectified, that this is allowing myself to be co-opted into my rapists' victim.
I was nine. I didn't have the knowledge OR the subtle skills of the submissive geisha. That wasn't want those boys wanted from me. In fact, I doubt they wanted ME at all. I was just some hapless victim. They wanted...and took...all of the control, power, and pleasure. They stole that from me...and at some core level, taught me to *want* that.
I find myself tangled up in the emotional aftermath. I envy women I know who orgasm without a care. I cannot imagine what that is like, and I actively sabotage my lovers' attempts to draw me there.
Without restraints, without force, without that exchange, receiving is challenging. It isn't dramatic...except when I am surprised by a forced orgasm that triggers all sorts of revolutions and fears. But I'm supposed to *want* that orgasm...so do I want all that baggage too?
Back in the 90s, the preview of The General's Daughter had a quote that I've remembered because it cut so close to home: What's worse than rape?
For years, I have been struggling with the dichotomy of desire and fear. I think I have arrived at an honest answer.
I do not want to relive my childhood experience.
I want to inspire what was lacking when I was nine years old. I want something with my lover that is powerful and demanding and fulfilling. I want to be something so far above "hapless victim" that my lover cannot dream of anything better than me. I want them to know ME in entirety. To forgive me for being insecure. To terrorize me. To permit me to surrender my fear to them, that I might reclaim control and power and pleasure that is rightfully mine.
To quote Sterling: "Sometimes that girl is so deep, if you are not careful you'll drown in her."
ReplyDeleteI am still processing all that you've written, but just wanted to leave a big hug for you and let you know that you're loved just as you are.
your writings make me think and feel. Thank you for sharing and allowing me the opportunity to experience and value your vulnerability and courage. i am still looking forward to meeting you one day. Again, thank you!!
ReplyDeleteKindly...
Very raw, deeply felt...and beautifully put. Thanks for sharing. I so enjoyed reading that!
ReplyDelete"As a woman, something of a feminist and a good liberal, I should be disturbed to find myself admitted a desire to be objectified, that this is allowing myself to be co-opted into my rapists' victim."
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with this issue quite a bit myself. The conclusion I've come to is: none of us can help that our desires have been shaped by the patriarchy and the male gaze. Eros is always tangled up with taboo. Lust and fight-or-flight are thisclose in our body chemistry and have been for millennia. But if we allow our politics to cripple our desires, that's still letting the patriarchy win, because the patriarchy says good girls don't have desires, don't question, don't explore, don't challenge society's ideas of what is ok.
When we negotiate a scene that plays with taboos, when we enter a relationship and carve it out on our terms instead of those we've been told we should want, those are revolutionary acts. Rape play is not rape. Objectification in the Scene sense is not the same as getting catcalled on the street. They are subversive satires on those things, in a way. And yes, they're "reclaim(ing) control and power and pleasure that is rightfully mine."
Now true, there are people in the Scene who haven't examined the politics of their desires, who are misogynistic and patriarchal, and so it behooves us to choose our play partners carefully. But in the end, the only thoughts and desires we can really control are our own.
no words to say, just hugs for my pixie sister
ReplyDeleteYou want to have the absolute trust and faith that your partner no matter how caught up in the moment will still have your best interests at heart that even in the moment of passion is still thinking of you. The blocking the orgasms is a common form of control for women that have either been made to feel guilty for the act, have come to associate it with a negative, or are just afraid to have the level of trust enough to let go. To trust is to expose yourself to pain and while there are of course disadvantages to that you won't experience the relationship in the way it can or was meant to be if you don't. I think your summation of it is actually very insightful and there are ways to break through that barrier. I think it's not so much that you want to relive it so much as you want to be so completely beyond it that it's no longer even a concern. As it should be.
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