Love and Polyamory

The “English” language is a dastardly mess for complex communications, especially when we talk about ‘love’.

I love my children. I love my spouse. I love my best friend. The score is love all. Send her my love. They made love. I love strawberries. There is no love lost between them. For the love of Christ…

There are MANY other languages that have literally dozens of words which can be used to translate the English word “love”. This is one thing that makes my communications so maddeningly undependable, and something that I have gone round and round on. I do not know quite how to express my feelings with such limited words.

For me, it isn’t about the sex. People place certain meanings on sex that are artificial, but have become an instituted belief in the sacredness of sex. In reality, the act of sex is nothing more than lube and friction with a feel-good finish.

I am not looking to have sex escapades with multiple people. If it were that easy, I’d settle for a large toy collection or a swinging lifestyle. I want the rich complexity of the whole package. I seek connection, attraction, intelligence, uniqueness, personality. I do not fall in love with the body of an individual; I fall in love with the person who lives inside.

In a day of digital isolation, I dare to understand myself and who I am through other people’s eyes. I seek the sharing of deep, personal vulnerabilities. In offering myself, others also feel safe to also be naked emotionally...and together, we discover ACCEPTANCE despite those weaknesses. Sex becomes a physical manifestation of the emotional state.

There IS a fear, both of acceptance and the very strange possibility that love is a finite resource. First time parents may share secret fears that the baby will replace the love-focus of their two-person dynamic. Children worry that a new baby will be loved more, and certainly in the beginning, an infant requires more care and attention than the older child. Primaries ask “Why am I not enough?” and secondaries ask “Why would you pick me?”

I have tried to explain polyamory to monogamous people, and I am often asked, “Don’t you worry that s/he will find someone better?” What they really mean to ask is, how are you so sure that you are irreplaceable?

Society talks all the time about raising children with high self-esteem, confidence, and creativity. We preach about embracing differences, celebrating who YOU are. That YOU are unique and special and there is no one else in the world like YOU.

So why then do we think that we are replaceable in our spouse's eyes? Why do we question our value? Why do we talk about “buying love” as if love is something that can be divided evenly, like cold currency? Why does each person worry over acceptance or if being worthy of love?

There is some truth to needing to love yourself before you can love others. I have to believe that I AM WORTHY of love in order to really accept being loved.

Have I truly accepted that I am worthy? No…I still have inner torment and doubts that sometimes roar loudly. I struggle with why I have multiple secondary relationships and continue to explore additional intimate relationships. Some days, I curse polyamory for ever coming into my life, because it seems like I am forever stumbling over the words, the feelings, the complexities. How do I describe the partnership and lifemate I have in Beloved? How can I love Boy and Girl, and yet long to escape their constant pressing presence? How can I express the intensity of my feelings for individual people who have very different places in my life? How can I possibly love so many people?

How can I not?