It's a question that everyone asks, the doubt and unsurety leaking out around the edges of the words. Some of us ask more frequently than others. Me...I feel like I ask all the time.
Part of the reason is that I am no single person. I am someone different with Beloved, someone different with Boy and Girl, someone different with Shado, someone different with Sir, someone different when I'm online, someone different in a crisis, someone different in the gym. I cannot deny the facets of these differences, each reflecting a different hue, a unique sparkle.
I struggle with unifying all of these differences into a whole. How can I be mother and slut? How can I be impish and holy? How is it possible to be such divergent possibilities at once?
For a long time, I have allowed others to define me. If I am with YOU, you will see something that I think you will like. You may even glimpse multiple sides of me if you hang around long enough, but even then, I will allow YOU to define the moment, the scene, the relationship.
Yesterday, that led me into temptation. I do not regret the occurrence. For a moment I was heightened, sure, relieved. That was who I was because that was how I was seen. But the moment passed, and in another pair of eyes, I succumb to disappointment, betrayal. I am someone else yet again, defined by the expectations well outside myself.
And so here I am, asking again, who am I...?
Not to you...I know who I am when I am with you...I am whatever you want me to be.
Who am I when I am wholly myself?
