Forgiveness

Last week was tough. Really, emotionally hard, with lots of tears and arguing and misunderstanding and coming together and being dashed apart only to reconnect again... I really don't want to air all of the details, though. There is a bigger issue I need to work on.

Beloved sent me a link for "The 30 Before 30 Project" by Celine. His reasons for being interested in the blog are vastly different than the post that caught my eye. He is excited about the activities, especially the aerial silks. His excitement fills me with a wistful ache that I don't understand, which is one of the sources of our missing understanding.

It is Celine's #30 post about forgiveness that I am reflecting on. There is a lot that I really identify with.

I wrote the word "Forgive" in the final spot on my list, it was born out of a wish to go back to the person that I used to be: someone who held no grudges and no ill feelings towards anyone...When I was writing my list, I thought that I needed to find my way back to being the person that I was before my life went into a tailspin in order to be happy again...I spent a lot of time being very angry at myself for failing to protect myself. I've never had my own back...I couldn't let go... Did I need to forgive the people who betrayed me? Did I need to forgive myself for not being more careful with who I allowed close enough to cause me real damage?

...I still recall those first few days of heartbreak, when I would be doubled over in bed wracked with tears at the life that had fallen apart around me. I would have given anything then for things to go back to the way they were...

I could have written that...maybe I have written that using different words. And like Celine, I have had "forgiveness" on To-Do list for a long time. But "Forcing myself to forgive someone who hurt me in unfathomable ways made very little sense to me. That sort of forgiveness happens in its own time and cannot be given a deadline."

So...what is to be done? Wait and occasionally reflect on the heartbreaks and ask myself if I have forgiven the trespasses? That hasn't worked so far.

Reading through her post, there is a quote that offers a new perspective.

"Forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

I have long-lived by Edmond Burke's "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." But perhaps Burke had it wrong? Those who cannot forget the past are condemned to live with the mistakes forever.

Perhaps I do not need to forgive the hurt and heartache. Instead, I need to accept that the events happened, that the way things fell is the way things fell. Face it, the past DOESN'T change.

So...what does that mean? I need to accept my hurts and own my feelings as mine rather than something someone inflicted on me. I have to let go of the negative expectations and stop blaming myself as much as I blame others. I need to do my part, my best...no more, no less. Not in the past, but in every moment moving forward.