Self-Denial

I have a major character flaw, and I am extremely good at exploiting it. *sigh* Sitting in a quiet house, alone other than the sleeping kids, I find myself wistfully thinking of curling up with someone to watch a movie.

Of course, this is something Beloved would be more than happy to do with me, but when he is around, this is not the activity I am interested in. No, I have to wait until he is unavailable to crave this.

Or sex in the middle of the day, when most people are at work and there is a commute involved? That's always when I am the hottest!

Or a dog? I've been so happy with my cats for years, but seeing Boy playing with my aunt's dog made me miss my mutt. The problem is there are three cats in the house as well as rather severe allergies to dogs. Still, I go wandering the websites for rescued dogs, daydreaming.

Or a million other silly things that I *could* have. I come up with lame excuses not to indulge in some activity or some item or somebody. I choose to deny myself until they simply are not available.

The problem is that all these little denials build up, snowball, and become horrible resentment, frustration, anger. I lash out because no one is reading my mind and giving me what I wish...what I SHOULD...give myself.

It's ugly. I don't know how to break the habit.