Someone usually says it better...

Kate played this song for me...and it is achingly familiar.


Fast As I Can
Released October 1995
(written by Doyle of Great Big Sea)

From the first hello you gave to me
I’ve done nothing else but smile
And I know you’re in a hurry
but it’s gonna take a while.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

Chorus
I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
this feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.

Whistle Solo

Don’t push me in too deep,
I’ve always been the fool who rushes in.
You’ve got to take the pieces one-by-one
before you’ve got everything.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

Chorus

Whistle Solo

Oh! There’ll be times when I’m mistaken
there’ll be times when we’re gonna fight
but you needn’t doubt we can work it out
and in time we’ll make it right.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

Dazed and confused

I had been posting almost daily...thoughts, experiences, general babble. Then Kate arrived and I simply haven't had a chance to collect my thoughts let alone write. Beloved has been gently prodding me for what is going on in my head, and Kate's asked if I'm okay...

I'm okay. I just haven't found the words that give voice to my feelings right now. I'm not sure how much of this will make sense, but I'll take these few minutes to try.

History.
Kate and Beloved dated, were initmate years ago, and I joined them after a few months. I know that my getting involved was not the cause of the problems...we moved, graduated, changed just after I became a part of the relationship and that created way more challenge than I did...but things didn't remain good for long. It's taken time for all of us to scab over and recover the friendship.

Present.
From the first night, I was reminded of how similar Kate and Beloved are. Similar tastes in comedy, music, gaming. Similar confidence and surety. Similar stubborn streaks that got them into trouble before. *soft smile*

I felt left out, but not because they didn't invite me...just because I am different. They pulled up different YouTube clips for each other and giggled over them, and I didn't understand a lot of the humor and have any to share. I retreated to the safety of chores, hosting, childcare as naturally as I breathe...although inside I was feeling lonely and wanted to crawl out of the shell I cling to.

Monday, Beloved was out of town for business. *wry smile* I deliberately invited another friend over to play cards and generally provide a distraction from Kate's gentle seduction. It didn't work quite the way I'd hoped...both "guests" were more exhibitionistic than I and we all three ended up naked in bed. It went no further than teasing Beloved over IM and talking while under the covers, but I'm still mulling over what happened and if I can just let it go as fun and not meaning a commitment or setting the standard.

Beloved returned home Tuesday and we caught up some. He and Kate had a chance to talk, but I think it was mostly surface talk. Beloved still feels a little wary of falling in love again, I think.

On Wednesday, while Beloved was at work and Boy napped, Kate... "Seduce" isn't the right word. She asked directly for me to come to her bed and make love to her. I did. I didn't hesitate, I didn't worry about it, I didn't deny myself what I knew I wanted. Loving Kate is easy...she is a forgiving lover and very sensitive so it was easy to remember her. She insisted on pleasuring me, too, which was at once awkward and playful and nice. My first solo lesbian experience. Beloved wanted me to gush about it, and I didn't...couldn't. Instead I tried to retreat, clamouring for a little space to decipher my thoughts. But between Boy and having a guest and managing the house....

Thursday, Kate and I went into the city to see different friends. On the drive, we both decided that it might be a good idea for me to spend the evening with Beloved...to make sure he still felt important and the center of my universe. D/s all aside, the poly relationship requires work of equals. It was a mutual decision, although she brought it up...I'd worried about hurting her feelings. *slight smile* She's smarter than that...and more poly than that. I'm so lucky! Since we were in the Clark/Belmont area, we stopped in The Alley and we found a collar for Kate to offer Beloved, but kept it to herself. That night, she excused herself and left me and Beloved to ourselves. It was a little awkward, but Beloved and I played backgammon in bed (I won his making pancakes Sunday morning!), and eventually I opened up. We reconnected, made love, and fell asleep cuddled together.

Friday, Kate and I chose to have a pretty quiet day. We took Boy to the park, ran some errands, did some chores. It'd had been a week since she'd called me from the airport, and I was finally feeling close and comfortable enough to ask her to help with chores. She ironed while I folded laundry, played with Boy while I ran out. Just that changed something in my head. Instead of a "guest" Kate became a friend, a confidant, someone I could see living with. I could feel myself starting to fall in love.

Evening time brought Beloved home again, and our evening routine was easy, familiar. I finished dinner, Kate set the table, and Beloved played with Boy. Dinner was cleared, cookie dough made, and it was time to take Boy upstairs for bed.

When I came down again, Kate was at Beloved's feet, now wearing her collar. Beloved explained some of the rules and expectations, especially regarding our public play at club for Saturday. I was uneasy again....feeling outted...displayed. I'm very much the introvert and while my shyness endears me to Beloved, it feels crippling sometimes. We made tea, pulled out a board game, played for a bit. I baked the cookies, Kate ensured that Beloved's water glass was always full...

We retired to the bedroom. At first, it was all business...finishing the ironing, folding the laundry, sorting the toybag for Saturday. I think I started it by changing out of my jammies to show off a particular outfit. That led to choosing club clothes, which led to being oggled, appreciated, naked, and aroused. The three of us ended up in bed, playing, touching, kissing. Kate and I shared Beloved's cock, kissing each other around it and enjoying Beloved's moans and encouragements. I reached out to play with Kate while sucking Beloved's cock, and Beloved drew me up to ride his face while Kate pleasured his cock. We switched around, there were a few orgasms, and we ended the evening rather sated and exhausted.

And yet...I'm still...closed. I'm introverted in my thinking. Whereas Beloved thinks aloud, I retreat until I have the answer and can state my feelings and thoughts without question. I'm not there. This blog entry is an attempt to at least put words to what's happened, if not my feelings.

I am very much enjoying Kate's presence. Sure, she is a source of chaos and a nack for turning life on it's head, but I'm learning how to work with that, to enjoy it, and still play with Boy and make sure that daily life is met. I am not worried about sharing Beloved with Kate or Kate with Beloved. That is...good, warm, right. I'd actually like to watch Beloved make love to her...to caress her check and kiss her as he is inside. That just...fits. For people who aren't poly, maybe this makes no sense, but I cannot explain it any better than I have.

But I am still somewhat withdrawn, and Beloved nudged me again this morning. "What is going on? How are you this morning?" He even gave me the last hour to spend writing in the hopes for answers. Having gotten so much of this OUT, I think that my reserve is for myself...Kate is amazing. She's been loving and chasing me from afar for years, and finally I feel like maybe we can connect. At the same time, I know she is leaving in a week, and 1200 miles is a lot when there is a small child in the family and limited finances all around. How much do a I dare to open to her? How much can I stand to deny her? What will I do when my girlfriend and sister-slave leaves???

Kate

I've been a bit busy to blog...Kate is in town.

Who is Kate? *soft smile* She's our initiant. We met the summer of 2002 because of LARP and the characters that Beloved and she played were very involved. There was sooooo much going on, the situation was thick with complicated emotions and happenings, and if I started to write about all of it, I would have a book before long...

The cliffnotes version is that Kate had words that defined feelings I had carried forever. Words like polyamory and compersion. That these words were first spoken to Beloved...and Beloved came to me and asked about taking her as a lover...created a rift that took months to cross. Somehow they were patient enough with my wavering to not give each other up OR to give up on me, something I will forever be grateful for.

Years later, we are still friends despite the 1200 miles between us...and she's visiting this week. I love her...Beloved loves her. We are exploring more...slowly, gently...wondering where our love and tenderness might take us.

*wry smile* and I'm forever grateful that she's patient and persistant. She whispers in my hair that it is worth waiting for the right person. Thank you dearling...

Twelfth Night....

Beloved and I celebrate our twelfth anniversary today. It was a wonderful day...our wedding day was cold, sleety, and generally gross. Today was nearly 70F, sunny, a gentle breeze. It just keeps getting better.

Beloved made a GORGEOUS breakfast for us...omlets, hashbrowns, bacon, toast, and tea. It was all perfect, too. Just after breakfast, we got a call from my dad who wanted to know if we could meet earlier so they could buy us lunch before absconding with Boy for the rest of the day... That created a slight whirlwind of packing and rushing, but we were out the door on time, Boy slept the ride in, and we just chatted. There was a 45-minute wait at the restaurant, but there was a park kitty-corner to the place, so we took our notification buzzer across the street and let Boy run and climb and impress Grumpy and Grandma for the wait. Lunch was wonderful, and afterwards, we transferred gear and Boy to the grandfolks. It just keeps getting better.

Without any other plan, we wandered the outdoor mall a bit, finding a bench in the sun and people-watching as we talked about naughty things. I was snickering inside at how brazen I felt, discussing fantasies and play while surrounded by general public who were completely unaware. When our Icee was gone, we wandered through a couple of the cool "gadget" stores...Bose for him, Le Gourmet Chef for me. At L'eggs Hanes Bali Playtex , we found awesome comfy jammie pants on clearance for me, which was a big SCORE. It just keeps getting better.

Tiring of that, we drove to the theater and decided on 21, which was perfect and a lot of fun. It overcame my skepticism quickly, which is really saying something. We walked out feeling young and giddy and excited and silly about it. It just keeps getting better.

Once home...well, there was a lull. The "what do you wanna do?" "I dunno...what do YOU wanna do?" happened. Rejecting a board game, I figured there were a few things that needed doing...diapers to wash, dishes to set... Beloved pulled out his laptop. I finished up in the kitchen, picked up my new jammie pants, thanked him for them and wandered upstairs.... I became a mad dash to put on some sexy-sluty makeup, a black-lace-n-silk neglige, and brush out my hair. I cleared the bed, lit candles, and went downstairs to seduce my husband and Master.

It didn't quite work as planned...there were missed moments and a touch of hurt feelings...but happily we got past that. I'm not sure it really constitutes "make-up sex" but it was passionate and fun. We made love like newly-weds...69-ing and biting and teasing and just being wonderful...except on this twelfth night of our wedding, we have the skill and knowledge of long-time lovers. And it just keeps getting better!

Pampering Master

Yesterday I spent naptime getting the bedroom cleaned up and last night I took a dose and a half of Tylenol Sinus. After getting Boy down for the night, I changed into a new neglige...a red lacy-bra top with a red sheer "gown" to my ankles, split up the front. I lit candles, set out massage oil and trimming tools, and put on some soft music. Then I slipped downstairs, made Master tea, and knelt at his feet. He knew I had wanted something, but all of THIS surprised him. *smile*

He took one look at me. "I need to finish this thought," and turned back to the computer. I knelt quietly, my eyes closed, waiting for my Beloved Master. When I heard the computer snap closed, I looked up.

"Yes pet?"
"Master, may I have the honor of pampering Master this evening?"

He grinned, asked me to preen and model the new outfit. Then he got up and stretched. "Yes, I think that would be nice."

He followed me upstairs and murmured appreciation for the room. He excused himself to the bathroom, and I waited by the bed. He emerged nude and I invited him to lay down and get comfortable. Beloved liked to be trimmed fairly close, and he hadn't given me a chance to tend to him in a while. I carefully trimming his pubs, balls, and ass. He talked about things at work, how much he enjoyed playing with Boy...nothing earth-shattering, just talk.

When I was finished, I asked which would be preferred, quiet relaxing time or a massage. Beloved smiled and said he'd enjoy my touch. I began by rubbing the warmed almond & sandalwood oil into his feet, paying special attention to his toes and heel. When I finished, I kissed his feet and pulled on some socks. I poured more oil into my hands and began again on his ankles, soothing his calves and thighs. I ran my hands over his freshly trimmed pubis and down over his cock. Using my left hand to cradle Master's balls, I massaged his perineum and prostate with my right. Slowly, I switched the attention to his scrotum and cock. He did not rise, which I took as a good thing...it meant I was actually RELAXING him rather than exciting him.

I moved up over his belly and chest, and asked him to flip over so that I could rub out his shoulders, arms, back and ass. I could feel the muscles loosen under my touch. I moved down the backs of his legs, and brushed my fingers over his feet. Beloved asked the I work his neck a bit more, and I did, releasing the knots on the sides of his neck. When my hands were mostly dry, I moved up to the base of his skull and worked over his scalp. Gradually, I lightened my touch until I was barely touching him, lightly running my fingers over his back, tracing the shadows from the candlelight.

I knelt at the edge of the bed and whispered if there was anything else I could do...

"No, pet...this was fantastic. I am pleased."

Glancing at the clock, I was surprised to see two hours had past. I pulled up his blankets, tucked him in. Beloved barely moved. I blew out the candles, changed into my jammies, and then crawled in beside him, content and sure that everything would be alright. I am His.

Submissive Prayer

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can’t fathom.
Allow me the spirit to know his needs.
Allow me the kindness to choke back retorts.
Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.
Allow me the love to show Him myself.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.
Allow me the light to show us the way.
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.
Let me be able to show Him each day my love of my service to Him.
Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him.
Let my eyes show Him the same respect, rather I sit at his side, or kneel at his feet.
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.
Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.
Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.
Give me the strength to please us both.
Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.
Allow me the peace of serving Him.
For it is my greatest wish, my highest power
To make his life complete as he makes mine.

I wish I could take credit for this, but it is from Woman Within

Advice and Apologies

So I got this forward entitled "If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:"

Reading it, I had to tweak it just a little, but damn does it make sense...


* When Master come home, always run to greet them.
* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
* Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
* When it's in your best interest, practice obedience!
* Take naps.
* Stretch before rising.
* Run, romp, and play daily.
* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
* Avoid snapping and biting when a simple growl will do.
* On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
* On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
* When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
* No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough
* Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
* When the Master is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.


*soft smile* Silly, but true, right?

Last night, after putting Boy to bed, I slipped into a dress I know Beloved likes, took my hair down and brushed it soft, and picked up my locked collar. I found Beloved in his chair, and when he saw me, he flipped off the television. I didn't know where to start, so I just knelt at his feet, my forehead pressed against his leg. He pet me softly for several long minutes. At last, I peaked up.

"Is there something you'd like to say?"

I nodded, but then hid my eyes again, wished I had something amazing to say. At last, I looked up.

"I'm sorry about Saturday. I'm sorry for losing control. I'm sorry about not mentioning the pills. I'm sorry for not asking for help. Please...please help me learn to be better. I'd like to try again..."

Beloved held out his hand and I gave him the collar. He played with it for a little while, and cleared his throat.

"It's the asking for help that is the biggest one. If you are going to be my pet...my girl...you MUST communicate with me. Just because I am Master doesn't mean that you have to take on this whole house by yourself, but you do need to ask for help.

"If I chain you to your bed or spank you, it is rarely ever going to be a punishment. I will tell you when you are being punished. You have to trust me, that I am doing what I believe is best for you."

I was close to tears again. He held up my collar.

"Are you sure you want this? Absolutely sure?"

I nodded..."Please, yes. If you are willing to accept me again, I will try to do better."

The word "promise" was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't use it. I know that there are going to be days when the pms grabs me or I have another bad day. I can't promise to be better...but I can definitely try! Apparently Beloved understood all of that because he told me to fetch his keys and then put the collar around my neck.

He then asked my to move the laundry and start some tea for him. When I returned with the cup, he had stripped his pants off. He kissed me softly and then told me he needed my mouth wrapped around him. It was a relief to offer my Master my mouth, to please him and worship him and pleasure him. He admonished me for trying too hard, but I wasn't trying...he came, and held me still as he softened in my mouth. Contentment bathed me, and when we parted, it was only to go up to bed and snuggle into sleep.