Dazed and confused

I had been posting almost daily...thoughts, experiences, general babble. Then Kate arrived and I simply haven't had a chance to collect my thoughts let alone write. Beloved has been gently prodding me for what is going on in my head, and Kate's asked if I'm okay...

I'm okay. I just haven't found the words that give voice to my feelings right now. I'm not sure how much of this will make sense, but I'll take these few minutes to try.

History.
Kate and Beloved dated, were initmate years ago, and I joined them after a few months. I know that my getting involved was not the cause of the problems...we moved, graduated, changed just after I became a part of the relationship and that created way more challenge than I did...but things didn't remain good for long. It's taken time for all of us to scab over and recover the friendship.

Present.
From the first night, I was reminded of how similar Kate and Beloved are. Similar tastes in comedy, music, gaming. Similar confidence and surety. Similar stubborn streaks that got them into trouble before. *soft smile*

I felt left out, but not because they didn't invite me...just because I am different. They pulled up different YouTube clips for each other and giggled over them, and I didn't understand a lot of the humor and have any to share. I retreated to the safety of chores, hosting, childcare as naturally as I breathe...although inside I was feeling lonely and wanted to crawl out of the shell I cling to.

Monday, Beloved was out of town for business. *wry smile* I deliberately invited another friend over to play cards and generally provide a distraction from Kate's gentle seduction. It didn't work quite the way I'd hoped...both "guests" were more exhibitionistic than I and we all three ended up naked in bed. It went no further than teasing Beloved over IM and talking while under the covers, but I'm still mulling over what happened and if I can just let it go as fun and not meaning a commitment or setting the standard.

Beloved returned home Tuesday and we caught up some. He and Kate had a chance to talk, but I think it was mostly surface talk. Beloved still feels a little wary of falling in love again, I think.

On Wednesday, while Beloved was at work and Boy napped, Kate... "Seduce" isn't the right word. She asked directly for me to come to her bed and make love to her. I did. I didn't hesitate, I didn't worry about it, I didn't deny myself what I knew I wanted. Loving Kate is easy...she is a forgiving lover and very sensitive so it was easy to remember her. She insisted on pleasuring me, too, which was at once awkward and playful and nice. My first solo lesbian experience. Beloved wanted me to gush about it, and I didn't...couldn't. Instead I tried to retreat, clamouring for a little space to decipher my thoughts. But between Boy and having a guest and managing the house....

Thursday, Kate and I went into the city to see different friends. On the drive, we both decided that it might be a good idea for me to spend the evening with Beloved...to make sure he still felt important and the center of my universe. D/s all aside, the poly relationship requires work of equals. It was a mutual decision, although she brought it up...I'd worried about hurting her feelings. *slight smile* She's smarter than that...and more poly than that. I'm so lucky! Since we were in the Clark/Belmont area, we stopped in The Alley and we found a collar for Kate to offer Beloved, but kept it to herself. That night, she excused herself and left me and Beloved to ourselves. It was a little awkward, but Beloved and I played backgammon in bed (I won his making pancakes Sunday morning!), and eventually I opened up. We reconnected, made love, and fell asleep cuddled together.

Friday, Kate and I chose to have a pretty quiet day. We took Boy to the park, ran some errands, did some chores. It'd had been a week since she'd called me from the airport, and I was finally feeling close and comfortable enough to ask her to help with chores. She ironed while I folded laundry, played with Boy while I ran out. Just that changed something in my head. Instead of a "guest" Kate became a friend, a confidant, someone I could see living with. I could feel myself starting to fall in love.

Evening time brought Beloved home again, and our evening routine was easy, familiar. I finished dinner, Kate set the table, and Beloved played with Boy. Dinner was cleared, cookie dough made, and it was time to take Boy upstairs for bed.

When I came down again, Kate was at Beloved's feet, now wearing her collar. Beloved explained some of the rules and expectations, especially regarding our public play at club for Saturday. I was uneasy again....feeling outted...displayed. I'm very much the introvert and while my shyness endears me to Beloved, it feels crippling sometimes. We made tea, pulled out a board game, played for a bit. I baked the cookies, Kate ensured that Beloved's water glass was always full...

We retired to the bedroom. At first, it was all business...finishing the ironing, folding the laundry, sorting the toybag for Saturday. I think I started it by changing out of my jammies to show off a particular outfit. That led to choosing club clothes, which led to being oggled, appreciated, naked, and aroused. The three of us ended up in bed, playing, touching, kissing. Kate and I shared Beloved's cock, kissing each other around it and enjoying Beloved's moans and encouragements. I reached out to play with Kate while sucking Beloved's cock, and Beloved drew me up to ride his face while Kate pleasured his cock. We switched around, there were a few orgasms, and we ended the evening rather sated and exhausted.

And yet...I'm still...closed. I'm introverted in my thinking. Whereas Beloved thinks aloud, I retreat until I have the answer and can state my feelings and thoughts without question. I'm not there. This blog entry is an attempt to at least put words to what's happened, if not my feelings.

I am very much enjoying Kate's presence. Sure, she is a source of chaos and a nack for turning life on it's head, but I'm learning how to work with that, to enjoy it, and still play with Boy and make sure that daily life is met. I am not worried about sharing Beloved with Kate or Kate with Beloved. That is...good, warm, right. I'd actually like to watch Beloved make love to her...to caress her check and kiss her as he is inside. That just...fits. For people who aren't poly, maybe this makes no sense, but I cannot explain it any better than I have.

But I am still somewhat withdrawn, and Beloved nudged me again this morning. "What is going on? How are you this morning?" He even gave me the last hour to spend writing in the hopes for answers. Having gotten so much of this OUT, I think that my reserve is for myself...Kate is amazing. She's been loving and chasing me from afar for years, and finally I feel like maybe we can connect. At the same time, I know she is leaving in a week, and 1200 miles is a lot when there is a small child in the family and limited finances all around. How much do a I dare to open to her? How much can I stand to deny her? What will I do when my girlfriend and sister-slave leaves???