Are there aspects of your slavery or of your service that still frighten you?
Always. I'm afraid of not being acceptable...of not being "good enough". Sir once asked me what that meant, and I don't know. Perhaps that is why it holds such power over me...I can't get a handle on what is "good enough".
I'm afraid of all the non-service, hardcore BDSM. The more I see...on FetLife, on other blogs, on my friends...the more I'm convinced I have no standing in this community. I'm afraid this is all a sham. I've had more than a couple people accuse me of that in the last six months...maybe they are right. I'm afraid I am nothing but a simple housewife, and I never, ever wanted that life!
Is your obeisance complete and you are able to ignore or dismiss the undercurrents of insecurity or fear?
I suppose I work through it most days...even on the days when I have a really hard time waking up, I still manage to get out of bed and attend to the household, to Boy, to Beloved. But every now and then, I'll panic and call Beloved, begging him to guide me, set limits for me, save me...
Are there any particular or specific triggers that return you back to the mindset of a new and inexperienced slave?
Did I ever lose the mindset of an inexperienced slave? I struggle all the time with my identity. There is rarely the peace and absolute certainty that I am "good enough".
Specific triggers? Lack of sleep is at the top of the list. I also tend to fall apart more quickly if I feel incapable of what has been asked of me, although I have gotten better about speaking up in those situations...
Thoughts?
So much of D/s, slavery, submission seems based on BDSM...on pain, humiliation, punishment. From the first time I mentioned to Beloved that I wanted to delve into submission, he resisted...mostly because of his associations with what that meant.
I don't want 95% of what I see when I go looking at "lifestyle" websites. It's not simply rejection...I have tried more BDSM-oriented relationships, and it has been disappointing on both sides. I can and do submit to harder physical play, but it is something I endure, not something that I enjoy. One Dominant told me that I was no sub because I didn't "crackle in subspace". I don't want to be a slut/whore/cunt/pig/etc. I don't want to give up my name or my freedom. I don't want to experience golden showers or nipple torture. I don't want to surrender my inquisitive side for utter obeisance.
Does that make me afraid of D/s? What is my calling? If I claim "submissive", and I don't want the BDSM, what IS it that I am searching for here?
The reality is I am a stay-at-home mom. I am a domestic. I fought against those paths all my life...I remember taking great offense at the age of 16 when my Dad told someone I was doing a great job of keeping the house together after my Mom died. I took a lot of pride in my career in the politcal arena.
I voluntarily gave it up on October 20, 2004. That was my last day of in the "professional" world. That was the first day that I stayed home to be a mom.
I'm afraid I'll never overcome my own expectations of what that means.
When I asked Beloved to consider my submission, it was almost out of desperation. I'd been forcibly committed to a mental hospital because of PPD concerns, and I *knew* I needed something to provide structure and limits on my expectations for this new life. I'm afraid I'll never really find it.
In the two years that I have been collared, the closest labels I've found are "service submissive" and *perhaps* "1950s Household". LunaKM wrote some thoughts on service orientation that I very much identify with and appreciate.
My life right now is basically to stay home and care for Beloved's child and unborn child, keep the house, take care of chores and bills...the mundane details Beloved doesn't need to be bothered with.
Beloved does enjoy me sexually...I wouldn't be a mother if he didn't!...and I have been told that I am an artist when it comes to fellatio. I have been "shared" as a part of a wager, and once as a "currency exchange". I enjoy some of the "kinky" sex play...I like to be restrained, I like to be coerced, I like to give pleasure without receiving.
I'm afraid that such a mild lifestyle isn't acceptable in the D/s world.
But there are little things that give me hope...that my life isn't a sham.
To serve is to offer one’s self, one’s talent, one’s knowledge, one’s body, and one’s very presence to use of another individual...The owner will utilize what the slave has to offer and allow the slave to serve, with the understanding that a little recognition for a job well done is all that the slave expects in return.
yes...oh, yes...please...please just tell me I am "good enough" and I will fly for you...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Clean Up
It’s time to clean up clean up
Everybody do your share
Clean up clean up
Soon the mess will not be there
So seven garbage stickers, four adults, three hours, two gallons of Pinesol water, and one professional carpet cleaner later, and the center room is ready for priming. The frustrating thing is that this was after a "deep clean" job, but hey...different strokes for different folks. The work is done and we can get to the decorating work now.
It's been a real challenge this week, too...Boy was sick (again) with his cough. We are switching doctors and hopefully the new doctor will be more helpful. No, I'm not a medical professional, but a child shouldn't cough so hard he throws up. There has to be *something* I can do to keep this under control.
I've had on and off Braxton-Hicks contractions...nothing regular, but strong enough to make me catch my breath. The downward pressure (not contractions) on Thursday night had me convinced my waters were going to break...I was disappointed they didn't. Lifting Boy is torture on my groin...and like I said, he's been sick this week.
But I have done a bunch of organizing. I got my birth plan written out and I have called in the calvary. I had a team in last night to wash walls and do plaster work, I have a team coming Monday to do taping and start priming, I have another team coming Tuesday to move furniture...
It's hard not being able to do this stuff myself. Just making pancakes this morning left me in tears...I WANT THIS PREGNANCY TO BE OVER!!!
Beloved and so many others are quick to hug me, rub my shoulders, and whisper, "Soon..."
soon.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Swing
I've been trapped on the emotional swing all morning.
Swing down...I didn't want to wake up, let alone get out of bed this morning. I fell apart just two hours after Beloved left for work. I yelled at my child and screamed at the world in general. Boy, of course, patted my knee and quietly told it "It's alright, Momma, no more crying." Beloved said he'd come home tonight instead of going out...which I'm grateful and guilty for...
Swing up...stumbled on a post on yet another journal site I have, dated 10/20/08, which shocked me. It was basically an angry rant about our old roommates. *sigh* They are almost done here...it's a sad, bitter relief but re-reading the journal entry made me shake my head in wonder.
Swing up...Fluffybunny posted on her journal a link to YouTube, with the comment "When Was The Last Time We Had A President Who Could..." That actually got me to laugh...
Swing down...Beloved's girlfriend posted about her uncle. *closes eyes* I'm so sorry, Lady. I ache for you. I also am torn...I want to send Beloved to her...to offer that little comfort or distraction...but I'm struggling in my own quagmire...
My doctor on Tuesday all be agreed she expects me to go into labor early...my doctor on Wednesday gave me until July 3rd...maybe.
I want to crawl into bed and just sleep until I'm sated. I crave a balance and peace and order. But sleep, balance, peace, and order are unlikely to find their way into my life soon. Too much is wrapped up in the swing...As Jareth says, "It's further than you think, time is short."
Swing down...I didn't want to wake up, let alone get out of bed this morning. I fell apart just two hours after Beloved left for work. I yelled at my child and screamed at the world in general. Boy, of course, patted my knee and quietly told it "It's alright, Momma, no more crying." Beloved said he'd come home tonight instead of going out...which I'm grateful and guilty for...
Swing up...stumbled on a post on yet another journal site I have, dated 10/20/08, which shocked me. It was basically an angry rant about our old roommates. *sigh* They are almost done here...it's a sad, bitter relief but re-reading the journal entry made me shake my head in wonder.
Swing up...Fluffybunny posted on her journal a link to YouTube, with the comment "When Was The Last Time We Had A President Who Could..." That actually got me to laugh...
Swing down...Beloved's girlfriend posted about her uncle. *closes eyes* I'm so sorry, Lady. I ache for you. I also am torn...I want to send Beloved to her...to offer that little comfort or distraction...but I'm struggling in my own quagmire...
My doctor on Tuesday all be agreed she expects me to go into labor early...my doctor on Wednesday gave me until July 3rd...maybe.
I want to crawl into bed and just sleep until I'm sated. I crave a balance and peace and order. But sleep, balance, peace, and order are unlikely to find their way into my life soon. Too much is wrapped up in the swing...As Jareth says, "It's further than you think, time is short."
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wrath...
I'm fully aware that my wrath is partly defensive...but the feelings of being disrespected and abused are pretty damn strong right now. If Beloved weren't the level-headed saint that he is, I would be in a cleaning frenzy right now. I've been made to promise to wait just a little longer...
Monday, June 15, 2009
DD_ss The Dominant Nature
Are all Dominants basically the same?
Absolutely NOT! I suppose there could be some generalities, but it's kind of like saying all humans are basically the same. The Dominants I know are very very different from each other.
Do all Dominants share similar characteristics?
Maybe. As I think about the Doms I know, they all have a certain kind of confidence, but it's not always SELF-CONFIDENCE. I think in some cases, that is specifically why the D/s works...because the submissive provides an external source of reassurance of their dominance. Perhaps it is more like confidence to follow a gut instinct...?
I've always believed that Dominants share at least one basic principle and standard; the need to look after their property. Looking after their property can entail making decisions for them, guiding them in the choices they make and even protecting and insulating them from the sometimes harsh realities of life.
Holy cow...I misread this the first time...I didn't read the first two sentences and I was so happy with the idea...But I misread it as the submissive's responsibility!
First of all, I do not identity with being anyone's property. I am not owned, I am not "mastered". I've tried to wear Beloved's collar, I tried to bend to Sir's desires, and I just couldn't do it...
Perhaps it is because I'm a service submissive?
I feel very responsible for looking after others, particularly those I "submit" to. I look after their "property"...I make certain mundane decisions so they don't have to be bothered...I research options to guide them in their decisions...I try to protect them from harsher realities...
and when I fail...it's devastating.
Really, it's very unrealistic for ANYONE...Dominant or submissive...to assume this kind of responsibility. The following question provides examples...
If you agree with this ideal do you believe that a submissive who is protected and guided must also be challenged to think and to become actively involved in decision-making processes? What happens in a T.P.E. relationship if a submissive is not expected or encouraged to participate in the mechanics of life and all of a sudden find herself cut adrift because of death, relationship breakdown or unemployment?
I guess I need to back up...when we talk about D/s, we talk about it as a D/s RELATIONSHIP. It's a two-way street...to work, the individuals must interact. Thus, I believe that both a Dominant and a submissive are required to think and be actively involved in decision-making processes.
How does that work in TPE, consensual non-concent, slave relationship? *troubled look* I don't know. I know some people who claim such relationships, and I have talked/read about the agony when something comes up and the "s" is unable to give the absolute TPE, consensual non-concent, "slave" response. Or rather, when they are forced to choose between submitting to something that would break them (physically, spiritually, mentally), or to fight for their own self-preservation. It doesn't work...
Add to the that the "harsh realities" of life, such as "death, relationship breakdown or unemployment", and I just don't believe that a D/s relationship can protect us from real life. I don't think we can dominant or submit beyond our own human-ness. Our feelings, right or wrong, are our feelings. They can sometimes be suppressed, but no one can protect us from the internal experiences of feelings, and no one can truly protect us from real life.
How is that fine line between being looked after yet also standing up and being heard met? How do you achieve that balance in your relationship?
Ahhhh...this is maybe the crux of my struggle with this particular discussion. None of the above truly fit my relationship with Beloved, and I struggle regularly with my identity as a "submissive". The balance, the D/s...it exists in a "unique" dynamic that is difficult to summarize.
Do none of the above criteria relate to your relationship? Is your relationship based on an equal sharing of power and decision-making? If so, how does your owner satisfy his need to look after you and your need to be cared for? Are those needs an essential part of your dynamic?
This is probably more of where I fall... I don't really understand what people mean by "1950s relationships" and no one has ever really given a SOLID answer...but I suspect that is closest to what we have.
Beloved and I have a relationship, a partnership. It runs deep and true, and we each have roles that are essential to making it work. Beloved faces the stress and responsibility of the workforce. He "brings home the bacon". He takes care of me emotionally and spiritually, providing reassurances that I am valuable and giving me encouragement to explore the things I am intrigued by.
I stay home and take care of the house and the kids. I make decisions about bills, chores, and many social events. I provide him with a purpose for facing the daily grind and give him the appreciation to make it worth the efforts on the days when nothing seems to work out right.
Is this D/s? Is this "just" a healthy marriage? It comes back to labels...
"That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet." I don't know if I am a "submissive"...if Beloved is a "Dominant".
Knowing that there will be joy and pain that come from it, I do my very best to please him. I can do nothing less.
Absolutely NOT! I suppose there could be some generalities, but it's kind of like saying all humans are basically the same. The Dominants I know are very very different from each other.
Do all Dominants share similar characteristics?
Maybe. As I think about the Doms I know, they all have a certain kind of confidence, but it's not always SELF-CONFIDENCE. I think in some cases, that is specifically why the D/s works...because the submissive provides an external source of reassurance of their dominance. Perhaps it is more like confidence to follow a gut instinct...?
I've always believed that Dominants share at least one basic principle and standard; the need to look after their property. Looking after their property can entail making decisions for them, guiding them in the choices they make and even protecting and insulating them from the sometimes harsh realities of life.
Holy cow...I misread this the first time...I didn't read the first two sentences and I was so happy with the idea...But I misread it as the submissive's responsibility!
First of all, I do not identity with being anyone's property. I am not owned, I am not "mastered". I've tried to wear Beloved's collar, I tried to bend to Sir's desires, and I just couldn't do it...
Perhaps it is because I'm a service submissive?
I feel very responsible for looking after others, particularly those I "submit" to. I look after their "property"...I make certain mundane decisions so they don't have to be bothered...I research options to guide them in their decisions...I try to protect them from harsher realities...
and when I fail...it's devastating.
Really, it's very unrealistic for ANYONE...Dominant or submissive...to assume this kind of responsibility. The following question provides examples...
If you agree with this ideal do you believe that a submissive who is protected and guided must also be challenged to think and to become actively involved in decision-making processes? What happens in a T.P.E. relationship if a submissive is not expected or encouraged to participate in the mechanics of life and all of a sudden find herself cut adrift because of death, relationship breakdown or unemployment?
I guess I need to back up...when we talk about D/s, we talk about it as a D/s RELATIONSHIP. It's a two-way street...to work, the individuals must interact. Thus, I believe that both a Dominant and a submissive are required to think and be actively involved in decision-making processes.
How does that work in TPE, consensual non-concent, slave relationship? *troubled look* I don't know. I know some people who claim such relationships, and I have talked/read about the agony when something comes up and the "s" is unable to give the absolute TPE, consensual non-concent, "slave" response. Or rather, when they are forced to choose between submitting to something that would break them (physically, spiritually, mentally), or to fight for their own self-preservation. It doesn't work...
Add to the that the "harsh realities" of life, such as "death, relationship breakdown or unemployment", and I just don't believe that a D/s relationship can protect us from real life. I don't think we can dominant or submit beyond our own human-ness. Our feelings, right or wrong, are our feelings. They can sometimes be suppressed, but no one can protect us from the internal experiences of feelings, and no one can truly protect us from real life.
How is that fine line between being looked after yet also standing up and being heard met? How do you achieve that balance in your relationship?
Ahhhh...this is maybe the crux of my struggle with this particular discussion. None of the above truly fit my relationship with Beloved, and I struggle regularly with my identity as a "submissive". The balance, the D/s...it exists in a "unique" dynamic that is difficult to summarize.
Do none of the above criteria relate to your relationship? Is your relationship based on an equal sharing of power and decision-making? If so, how does your owner satisfy his need to look after you and your need to be cared for? Are those needs an essential part of your dynamic?
This is probably more of where I fall... I don't really understand what people mean by "1950s relationships" and no one has ever really given a SOLID answer...but I suspect that is closest to what we have.
Beloved and I have a relationship, a partnership. It runs deep and true, and we each have roles that are essential to making it work. Beloved faces the stress and responsibility of the workforce. He "brings home the bacon". He takes care of me emotionally and spiritually, providing reassurances that I am valuable and giving me encouragement to explore the things I am intrigued by.
I stay home and take care of the house and the kids. I make decisions about bills, chores, and many social events. I provide him with a purpose for facing the daily grind and give him the appreciation to make it worth the efforts on the days when nothing seems to work out right.
Is this D/s? Is this "just" a healthy marriage? It comes back to labels...
"That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet." I don't know if I am a "submissive"...if Beloved is a "Dominant".
Knowing that there will be joy and pain that come from it, I do my very best to please him. I can do nothing less.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Foreshadowing...I hope...
So I've been having small but REGULAR contractions for the last eight hours. They haven't changed in intensity, haven't gotten closer together, haven't done anything except make me wonder if I should send someone up to the attic for chux pads before trying to get to sleep tonight...
It's early...I'll be considered "preterm" for another week or so.
But the baby was heavier than expected at the last ultrasound...
*soft sigh* Part of me wants to rush things...force this into real labor. Part of me is terrified that it IS labor. All of me is enveloped by the mystery that only my body really understands...
It's early...I'll be considered "preterm" for another week or so.
But the baby was heavier than expected at the last ultrasound...
*soft sigh* Part of me wants to rush things...force this into real labor. Part of me is terrified that it IS labor. All of me is enveloped by the mystery that only my body really understands...
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