Are there aspects of your slavery or of your service that still frighten you?
Always. I'm afraid of not being acceptable...of not being "good enough". Sir once asked me what that meant, and I don't know. Perhaps that is why it holds such power over me...I can't get a handle on what is "good enough".
I'm afraid of all the non-service, hardcore BDSM. The more I see...on FetLife, on other blogs, on my friends...the more I'm convinced I have no standing in this community. I'm afraid this is all a sham. I've had more than a couple people accuse me of that in the last six months...maybe they are right. I'm afraid I am nothing but a simple housewife, and I never, ever wanted that life!
Is your obeisance complete and you are able to ignore or dismiss the undercurrents of insecurity or fear?
I suppose I work through it most days...even on the days when I have a really hard time waking up, I still manage to get out of bed and attend to the household, to Boy, to Beloved. But every now and then, I'll panic and call Beloved, begging him to guide me, set limits for me, save me...
Are there any particular or specific triggers that return you back to the mindset of a new and inexperienced slave?
Did I ever lose the mindset of an inexperienced slave? I struggle all the time with my identity. There is rarely the peace and absolute certainty that I am "good enough".
Specific triggers? Lack of sleep is at the top of the list. I also tend to fall apart more quickly if I feel incapable of what has been asked of me, although I have gotten better about speaking up in those situations...
Thoughts?
So much of D/s, slavery, submission seems based on BDSM...on pain, humiliation, punishment. From the first time I mentioned to Beloved that I wanted to delve into submission, he resisted...mostly because of his associations with what that meant.
I don't want 95% of what I see when I go looking at "lifestyle" websites. It's not simply rejection...I have tried more BDSM-oriented relationships, and it has been disappointing on both sides. I can and do submit to harder physical play, but it is something I endure, not something that I enjoy. One Dominant told me that I was no sub because I didn't "crackle in subspace". I don't want to be a slut/whore/cunt/pig/etc. I don't want to give up my name or my freedom. I don't want to experience golden showers or nipple torture. I don't want to surrender my inquisitive side for utter obeisance.
Does that make me afraid of D/s? What is my calling? If I claim "submissive", and I don't want the BDSM, what IS it that I am searching for here?
The reality is I am a stay-at-home mom. I am a domestic. I fought against those paths all my life...I remember taking great offense at the age of 16 when my Dad told someone I was doing a great job of keeping the house together after my Mom died. I took a lot of pride in my career in the politcal arena.
I voluntarily gave it up on October 20, 2004. That was my last day of in the "professional" world. That was the first day that I stayed home to be a mom.
I'm afraid I'll never overcome my own expectations of what that means.
When I asked Beloved to consider my submission, it was almost out of desperation. I'd been forcibly committed to a mental hospital because of PPD concerns, and I *knew* I needed something to provide structure and limits on my expectations for this new life. I'm afraid I'll never really find it.
In the two years that I have been collared, the closest labels I've found are "service submissive" and *perhaps* "1950s Household". LunaKM wrote some thoughts on service orientation that I very much identify with and appreciate.
My life right now is basically to stay home and care for Beloved's child and unborn child, keep the house, take care of chores and bills...the mundane details Beloved doesn't need to be bothered with.
Beloved does enjoy me sexually...I wouldn't be a mother if he didn't!...and I have been told that I am an artist when it comes to fellatio. I have been "shared" as a part of a wager, and once as a "currency exchange". I enjoy some of the "kinky" sex play...I like to be restrained, I like to be coerced, I like to give pleasure without receiving.
I'm afraid that such a mild lifestyle isn't acceptable in the D/s world.
But there are little things that give me hope...that my life isn't a sham.
To serve is to offer one’s self, one’s talent, one’s knowledge, one’s body, and one’s very presence to use of another individual...The owner will utilize what the slave has to offer and allow the slave to serve, with the understanding that a little recognition for a job well done is all that the slave expects in return.
yes...oh, yes...please...please just tell me I am "good enough" and I will fly for you...
I originally wrote something much longer, but let me summarize instead:
ReplyDeleteThere's a reason folks use the terms "BDSMNOPQ" or "WIITWD" (What It Is That We Do): there's a whole spectrum of kink. Trying to conform to "BDSM" or any label is bad for you; instead, express yourself and grow, and if the direction you happen to focus falls under BDSMNOPQ, so much the better.
There's a lot of disrespectful people out there, especially with the Internet, as opposed to a meeting IRL, where everyone there was invited by somebody who wanted them to be there. Another woman I know is having just as hard a time finding tops who will actually respect her.
Your life is only a "sham" if you're not being true to yourself, if you're trying to be something you're not. If you're not into humiliation or degradation, don't fault yourself for not enjoying them -- do communicate with your partners to minimize how much of that you have to deal with.
The other skill, besides communication, that's important to BDSMNOPQ, is putting yourself deeper into the right headspace. Top or bottom, it's very much akin to trance work. You need to make sure you and your partner are doing enough things to put you deeply into the scene, and even when you learn to do that with little or no external stimulus, it's still easier and more fun with the help. This does mean planning and communication beforehand!
One specific example that ties together some of the above: in Gardenerian Wicca, during some rituals the priestess is ritually scourged to prepare her for what follows. But there, the scourge is used gently as a tool of monotony to deepen her trance, not hard as some sort of trial by torture.
You are good enough at the stuff you're supposed to be good enough at. You are loved and cherished and respected. Look for that, and enjoy it when you get it. You say "a little recognition for a job well done is all that the slave expects in return", so practice focusing on and enjoying that recognition, throughout your day.
It seems I wrote a long note after all, so ... whenever you feel you're not good enough, remember the last few people reminding you that yes you are good enough.
I am with you in regards to most of the stuff one sees on BDSM, which begs the question, "Why on earth would anyone want to do that?"
ReplyDeleteThere are elements of submission I like. The relinquishing of control, being told what to do in order to please another, being tied up in a bed.
As for pain and humiliation, I'm not sure how much I can tolerate. My guess is that I'll be rather mild compared to others. Granted, I recently went out for a meal in a dress and a shiny red cowboy top. I'm sure this raised a few eyebrows, but the decision to do so was mine.
Ultimately you have to find what it is that appeals to you, and make the most of them. When all is said and done, your kinks and fetishes should leave you with a big smile on your face, and feeling good about yourself.
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI've been in the BDSM scene for more or less 8 years.
I've thought and fantasied about it more or less since de age of 8 (yes I am really crazy in a very healthy way :P)
All of that to tell you that right now I am with a woman that is onto bdsm in a very light way.
don't enjoy pain
don't enjoy degradation of any kind
is very much on erotic games, some bondage, and obedience, in domestic service and awhatever.
Not in any time (we are together for about 3 and a half years) has I thought she was a sham, neither do I think you are one.
BDSM is about searching for what gives us pleasure, not to conform to any kind of formula or whatever.
we do whatever we do because it gives plasure, not for any other kind of reason.
You are no sham, you ARE whatever you ARE. And THAT's| what you HAVE to be. To bem anything else IS a sham. Most o all being somethin you are not because of the opinion of some shumcks you don't know, never will meet, or be of importance in your life.
now, please Fly and live your life has you should... BEING yourself!
Okay, so reading your post has inspired one of my own. ;)
ReplyDeletehttp://crumbsinmycleavage.blogspot.com/2009/06/some-thoughts.html
If you ever, in all your copious amounts of free time (I know, me too), want to sit and chat about this, I'd totally be down with it.
Quick question for Kyril: What's the NOPQ? I know BDSM, but couldn't find anything on the other letters.