My moods have been all over the place lately. I want to blame the pregnancy and lack of sleep...who knows, that might even be legitimate! Today I'm feeling low.
* A story in the Chicago Tribune highlighted "pregorexia".I sympathize with the concept, am mad about being accused of having that instead of hyperemesis, and am really struggling with my own body image. Last pregnancy I struggled so hard to eat...but I WAS skinny and didn't have so much jiggle. This time...hell, I KNOW I'm healthier...but I hate my body right now. It doesn't help that Beloved is looking better and better and today teasingly suggested I see how Baby liked the elliptical...
* I'm not feeling good today. I've taken two Zofran tabs already, so I haven't thrown up, but I am nauseous and uncomfortable.
* In two days, I got contacted about being involved with polyamory stories TWICE...by the Discovery Channel's program and by the Chicago Tribune. *I* want to respond...*I* want to be involved...but it isn't about *ME* and everyone else has very good points about why it's not such a good idea to be OUT.
* I don't know how to answer Sir's question about friendship. I don't know how to respond to a different man's invite to go on a date. I'm back to wondering why the hell I want something so complicated and being angry about how lonely and confused I feel.
* My feelings about being caught up on the house have sunk and I'm feeling like I can't get anything done. I feel so dependent on everyone else, and then I feel guilty for accepting help.
Basically, I'm mourning my place in life. I'm feeling very trapped and constrained...by my body, by my family, by the prejudices of society. I know there isn't much logic to it, I recognize the up and down swings of hormones. I just wish I had the luxury of letting myself sink into my depression and just sleep...
Hang in there -- or better yet, do something you enjoy (or at least can focus on) rather than thinking about hanging in there.
ReplyDeleteThe more depressed one gets, and the more one needs or should have contact with friends, the harder it gets to reach out to them. But you feel so good when you do! I'm not sure this applies to Sir, or whoever asked for the date...so go do something with a friend who isn't tangled up in recent history like Sir is, do something that isn't or isn't necessarily a "date". You don't have to answer Sir now, or anytime soon!
Maybe find someone who enjoys your company, and do some of the housework with them, so both of you are getting something out of it. Easier said than done, I know.
Sinking into depression isn't luxury. Sinking into a nice hot bath, with someone to wash your back, on the other hand ... Or, go pet the kitties, give Boy a hug.
So much of unhappiness is perspective. Try to focus on the sunlight in the morning, or enjoy Boy's pleasure at whatever small things entertain a boy.