Sunday, May 13, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Your mission, should you choose to accept it...
Back in March, I attended a seminar. At the end of one of the exercises, my partner used those words, challenging me to find what would make me *happy*. That has been a theme is several of the presentations and conversations I have participated in lately.
When am I most energized? When am I most comfortable? What inspires my passion and enthusiasm?
Beloved and I have both realized a conclusion that is difficult to embrace. He was thinking back to the "dream careers" I talked about when we first met. I was reminiscing times in my childhood that were truly joyful. The discovery-realization is that I do best in my own little world, where I can spend hours and lose track of time, and then I can come out and share the fruits of my time. Secret places that I have discovered, ideas I have connected.
But the important element is being ALONE. My spirit animal is a mountain lion.
It's funny to find the answer staring me in the face...one I have recited to others over and over again...and yet be unprepared for it's "discovery." There is a sharp dichotomy between desiring Beloved's leadership and ownership and my reclusive nature. I am not quite sure how to reconcile his social being and running about and being a butterfly with my need for solitude.
Reading over yesterday's posts as I contemplate today's...Seeing the bounce is scary and hopeful at the same time.
When am I most energized? When am I most comfortable? What inspires my passion and enthusiasm?
Beloved and I have both realized a conclusion that is difficult to embrace. He was thinking back to the "dream careers" I talked about when we first met. I was reminiscing times in my childhood that were truly joyful. The discovery-realization is that I do best in my own little world, where I can spend hours and lose track of time, and then I can come out and share the fruits of my time. Secret places that I have discovered, ideas I have connected.
But the important element is being ALONE. My spirit animal is a mountain lion.
This cat has the greatest range of any large wild terrestrial mammal in the Western Hemisphere...An adaptable, generalist species...the cougar is a solitary animal...with adults meeting only to mate. It is secretive and crepuscular, being most active around dawn and dusk...It is a reclusive cat and usually avoids people.
It's funny to find the answer staring me in the face...one I have recited to others over and over again...and yet be unprepared for it's "discovery." There is a sharp dichotomy between desiring Beloved's leadership and ownership and my reclusive nature. I am not quite sure how to reconcile his social being and running about and being a butterfly with my need for solitude.
Reading over yesterday's posts as I contemplate today's...Seeing the bounce is scary and hopeful at the same time.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
bleech
Methinks I should be more careful about that late-night posting. oiy. I'm not deleting it (although I considered it) because there are actually a few valid notions. *shrug* When I don't have enough distractions, my mind becomes a centifuge, flinging random particles. I suppose it's not entirely a bad thing...maybe getting it out of my system will allow clearer analysis? I can hope, anyway.
BEFORE that vomitous purge, I had gotten into a conversation about dark things...as in sadistic twistings that fascinate and frighten me.
Perhaps it is also not wise to START the day with such thoughts, but there was another bit of the conversation that I am worrying away at. Submission. D/s. All of that stuff.
Five years ago, in April 2007, I was held for about two hours against my will because I was thought to be a danger to myself or to my child. I managed to alert Beloved that I was in trouble before I was literally dragged from the lobby, threatened with anti-psychotics, denied MY doctor's advice or even their doctor's evaluation. Beloved...the man is amazing. If he had charged in, guns blazing so to speak, I probably would have remained. Instead, he politely, professionally thanked each person for their assistance and asked to speak to their supervisor, until at last he was sitting with the president of the hospital who finally agreed to actually evaluate me. I was released and walked out of the hospital, my baby in my arms, Beloved's arm around my shoulders.
In that moment, I belonged to Beloved. I was his to protect, to have and to hold, and no outside "authority" had any power to deny him. How grateful was I! How I longed to make that feeling last!
In the days and weeks that followed, I delved into new words, trying to find that secure and treasured place in the nebulous world of my stay-at-home confines. Odalisque, slave, submissive. Owner, Master, Dominant. I also began the spiral of Big Pharma, hoping that the little blue pill would satisfy my aching depression and let me dance again.
By August I wore a "collar" and by December I decided to start blogging my thoughts. From time to time, I have glimpsed the peace and confidence of my place, but mostly I was frustrated with the labels, the demotion from a VIP who was once invited to Washington DC to serve Congress to a *mom* whose major accomplishment was a load of laundry half-done or vacuuming. Beloved and I have sampled different lifestyles, tried to mold our lives into someone else's definitions, and generally aren't satisfied with the results. For five years, I have struggled and screamed, at times hating everyone and everything around me, always doubting my success because I never feel truly successful.
"It is a process." Namaste's words haunt me. While I am turning over ideas and searching for a new path, I am also frozen in fear because there is no finish-line, no "successfully completed" measurement. Typing that, I can feel the panic like a vise around my chest, making it hard to breathe. The well of bitterness and resignation opens up and threatens to swallow me. I have not found grace in submission...I have only found other ways to withdraw and hide until it is over, and now I am told it will never be over.
The moment in the movie is poignant, rallying defiance. At the same time, I wonder if there isn't a deep truth to it. After all, isn't that precisely what I have been struggling with, lusting for? The mad scramble for power, for identity when what I really crave is that security I felt on that April day five years ago.
*sigh* I'm not completely undone, at least I don't *think* I am. There is a lot going on in my life, and sometimes the centifuge begins whirling, and posts like the one below happen. bleech. Apply salt liberally, and definitely avoid biofreeze in the eyes!
BEFORE that vomitous purge, I had gotten into a conversation about dark things...as in sadistic twistings that fascinate and frighten me.
"How do we get involved in these conversation late at night?"
pixiemschf: *laughs* Because during the day, we are distracted, and because such things BELONG in the dark
Perhaps it is also not wise to START the day with such thoughts, but there was another bit of the conversation that I am worrying away at. Submission. D/s. All of that stuff.
Five years ago, in April 2007, I was held for about two hours against my will because I was thought to be a danger to myself or to my child. I managed to alert Beloved that I was in trouble before I was literally dragged from the lobby, threatened with anti-psychotics, denied MY doctor's advice or even their doctor's evaluation. Beloved...the man is amazing. If he had charged in, guns blazing so to speak, I probably would have remained. Instead, he politely, professionally thanked each person for their assistance and asked to speak to their supervisor, until at last he was sitting with the president of the hospital who finally agreed to actually evaluate me. I was released and walked out of the hospital, my baby in my arms, Beloved's arm around my shoulders.
In that moment, I belonged to Beloved. I was his to protect, to have and to hold, and no outside "authority" had any power to deny him. How grateful was I! How I longed to make that feeling last!
In the days and weeks that followed, I delved into new words, trying to find that secure and treasured place in the nebulous world of my stay-at-home confines. Odalisque, slave, submissive. Owner, Master, Dominant. I also began the spiral of Big Pharma, hoping that the little blue pill would satisfy my aching depression and let me dance again.
By August I wore a "collar" and by December I decided to start blogging my thoughts. From time to time, I have glimpsed the peace and confidence of my place, but mostly I was frustrated with the labels, the demotion from a VIP who was once invited to Washington DC to serve Congress to a *mom* whose major accomplishment was a load of laundry half-done or vacuuming. Beloved and I have sampled different lifestyles, tried to mold our lives into someone else's definitions, and generally aren't satisfied with the results. For five years, I have struggled and screamed, at times hating everyone and everything around me, always doubting my success because I never feel truly successful.
"It is a process." Namaste's words haunt me. While I am turning over ideas and searching for a new path, I am also frozen in fear because there is no finish-line, no "successfully completed" measurement. Typing that, I can feel the panic like a vise around my chest, making it hard to breathe. The well of bitterness and resignation opens up and threatens to swallow me. I have not found grace in submission...I have only found other ways to withdraw and hide until it is over, and now I am told it will never be over.
"Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It's the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power. For identity. You were made to be ruled." ~Loki, The Avengers
The moment in the movie is poignant, rallying defiance. At the same time, I wonder if there isn't a deep truth to it. After all, isn't that precisely what I have been struggling with, lusting for? The mad scramble for power, for identity when what I really crave is that security I felt on that April day five years ago.
*sigh* I'm not completely undone, at least I don't *think* I am. There is a lot going on in my life, and sometimes the centifuge begins whirling, and posts like the one below happen. bleech. Apply salt liberally, and definitely avoid biofreeze in the eyes!
chalk it up to biofreeze in my eye
Who can I talk to? Who might understand? I remember one night, decades ago, when I sat at the computer to pour my angst out into pixels. My page started with "Dear Computer," and my father said that it was okay to be angry, to hate him...but don't talk to a machine. Find someone...
Is that you? Are you listening? What do you hear? What sense does this make, if any? Or am I still just emptying my heart into a machine?
Bits and pieces of my day filter through my thoughts, unorganized, unbidden. Each a different speaker, yet all from today...
You are a creature of light.
They will do whatever it takes to break you.
Most women seem relieved.
Describe what you mean by "service" submissive.
You're in my thoughts...
Deep breaths, my love. It will be no big deal.
She's doing lamaze breathing.
You seem to have an aversion for sleep.
I won't leave you alone.
What should I do?
What should I do? I *should* sleep. Perhaps I even should swallow a little pink pill that will MAKE me sleep. But I'm fighting so hard to align myself...how can I find myself if every time it gets hard, I duck out? What am I made of, really? I think of my mom...the hell she went through with the cancer, so brave, stubborn, STUPID...but I remember being told the same things when I was pregnant and dying. I know why. The distraction makes it possible for you to take the next step, to wake up in the morning. Without the distraction...
I'm so scared of losing myself...of finding myself. Is the ablation different from a branding? Does it count if I'm in twilight and then tucked into bed? Why do I feel like everyone walks on eggshells around me? Am I crazy?
I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I am tumbling through emotions and I don't have a foothold. This isn't like the Vipassana where it felt like I was dissolving into a whole...no...this is more like I am crumbling. Dry leaves, disintegrating.
I don't want to explain D/s or why stones make ripples in the water or how to file tax exemptions. I want to plunge my hands into the dirt, to ground myself literally. I want to lose myself in the solitude of the beach. I want to curl up with the cat purring at my side, to feel the warmth and weight.
If you are reading this...click the BACK button, close the window, go away. I don't want you to see this uncertainty. I'm poised and pixie. I can work miracles and move mountains. Pay no attention to the little girl in the corner. I am the great and powerful PIXIE!
*sigh* I'm not fooling you, am I? Yeah...I'm not fooling myself much either, but sometimes the verbal vomit does make you feel better. I wiped my eyes and got biofreeze in them, so I gotta go. Sorry about the mess...I'll add it to my list to clean up...
Is that you? Are you listening? What do you hear? What sense does this make, if any? Or am I still just emptying my heart into a machine?
Bits and pieces of my day filter through my thoughts, unorganized, unbidden. Each a different speaker, yet all from today...
You are a creature of light.
They will do whatever it takes to break you.
Most women seem relieved.
Describe what you mean by "service" submissive.
You're in my thoughts...
Deep breaths, my love. It will be no big deal.
She's doing lamaze breathing.
You seem to have an aversion for sleep.
I won't leave you alone.
What should I do?
What should I do? I *should* sleep. Perhaps I even should swallow a little pink pill that will MAKE me sleep. But I'm fighting so hard to align myself...how can I find myself if every time it gets hard, I duck out? What am I made of, really? I think of my mom...the hell she went through with the cancer, so brave, stubborn, STUPID...but I remember being told the same things when I was pregnant and dying. I know why. The distraction makes it possible for you to take the next step, to wake up in the morning. Without the distraction...
I'm so scared of losing myself...of finding myself. Is the ablation different from a branding? Does it count if I'm in twilight and then tucked into bed? Why do I feel like everyone walks on eggshells around me? Am I crazy?
I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I am tumbling through emotions and I don't have a foothold. This isn't like the Vipassana where it felt like I was dissolving into a whole...no...this is more like I am crumbling. Dry leaves, disintegrating.
I don't want to explain D/s or why stones make ripples in the water or how to file tax exemptions. I want to plunge my hands into the dirt, to ground myself literally. I want to lose myself in the solitude of the beach. I want to curl up with the cat purring at my side, to feel the warmth and weight.
If you are reading this...click the BACK button, close the window, go away. I don't want you to see this uncertainty. I'm poised and pixie. I can work miracles and move mountains. Pay no attention to the little girl in the corner. I am the great and powerful PIXIE!
*sigh* I'm not fooling you, am I? Yeah...I'm not fooling myself much either, but sometimes the verbal vomit does make you feel better. I wiped my eyes and got biofreeze in them, so I gotta go. Sorry about the mess...I'll add it to my list to clean up...
Sunday, May 6, 2012
The Garden
I have made many mentions of working in the yard. I first started tearing the daylilies out three years ago, and Beloved was quite concerned about what I would do to replace them. Admittedly, I didn't really know. Hours and barters and years later, I am getting to a place I am pretty happy.
Street-view
(yes, I am aware that the Easter lights are *still* up...I haven't found what I want to replace them yet)
view from the front porch, with close-ups of the lupines and columbine
view looking south, close-ups of sundial and globe
Japanese maple (next to the bridge), allium, entrance to the gangway
shady gangway - celandine poppy, ferns, violets, and lilies-of-the-valley
tiny blueberry bush, rhubarb in bloom, and sage bush
peony and hostas along the back walkway and the freshly re-graveled parklot...with about 3 tons left to spread
sweet peppers and herbs (cilantro, oregano, basil, and boxwood basil)
tomatoes, chives, and garlic chives
So, now you can picture where I like to play when I talk about the garden. I have some other herbs hiding in corners, and my roses aren't blooming, so I didn't take pictures of them. I have plans for three more gardens to put in this year: a herbal-display garden in the parkway; a corner prairie with meadowsweet, Joe pye, milkweed, and maximillian sunflower; and a straw bale vegetable garden on the south side of the garage. There are two bamboo tee-pee frames that are also waiting to go up for my beans and sugar-snap peas...*smiles* Oh, and another 60 bulbs are ready for the fall, and I haven't really done anything with the north side gardens!
Street-view
view from the front porch, with close-ups of the lupines and columbine
view looking south, close-ups of sundial and globe
Japanese maple (next to the bridge), allium, entrance to the gangway
shady gangway - celandine poppy, ferns, violets, and lilies-of-the-valley
tiny blueberry bush, rhubarb in bloom, and sage bush
peony and hostas along the back walkway and the freshly re-graveled parklot...with about 3 tons left to spread
sweet peppers and herbs (cilantro, oregano, basil, and boxwood basil)
tomatoes, chives, and garlic chives
So, now you can picture where I like to play when I talk about the garden. I have some other herbs hiding in corners, and my roses aren't blooming, so I didn't take pictures of them. I have plans for three more gardens to put in this year: a herbal-display garden in the parkway; a corner prairie with meadowsweet, Joe pye, milkweed, and maximillian sunflower; and a straw bale vegetable garden on the south side of the garage. There are two bamboo tee-pee frames that are also waiting to go up for my beans and sugar-snap peas...*smiles* Oh, and another 60 bulbs are ready for the fall, and I haven't really done anything with the north side gardens!
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
The time. The Time! Who has the TIME?!?
8:35pm. Boy and Girl are bathed and tucked into bed. I sink wearily into a chair, knowing I "should" address the dishes in the sink, pick up the bathroom from bathtime, or at the very least, find something nutritious to eat. Instead, I sit down here.
I spent a lot of the day digging in RiverVixen's yard...I bartered time weeding in exchange for some of her volunteer ferns, black-eyed susans, and lambs ear. I'm excited about the plants and she seems happy with the service. Win-win. It's a little tricky to come home with enough energy to get them into the ground here. Next time, I will be smarter and prepare my space BEFORE going to her house. :P As it is, I should be able to finish what I have before it is too hot tomorrow.
*shakes head* Hot. The weather has been nuts. 80F in March and 90F in May. With no AC in the house, I am positively dreading this summer. Beloved and I are casually making plans for an "apartment" in the basement to retreat to. The hardest one is a bed for us. I think the kids will be perfectly happy on cots, but I am concerned that my back won't do well with that. I did scored some free wood pallets and we can haul the mattress down and put it on top of pallets. From there, maybe the kids and I will try some tie-dye art on old sheets for curtains and "partitions".
*half smiles* I'm daydreaming instead of being HERE. Instead of addressing chores or reading through class material or doing anything that might lighten the burden I feel.
There's so many people inning on me, I'm getting run into the ground. Everybody's wantin' something from me, and there's not enough of me to go around... ~ "Natural High", Getting My Act Together and Taking It On the Road
Always my standby, so often running through my head. I am also hearing Namaste's patient voice...that it is all part of the process. Embrace the process.
"Quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep." ~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
Live in the now. Breathe. Sit. Love YOURSELF as you love others. Maybe I should go wash the sunscreen off my face and eat. There is time enough.
I spent a lot of the day digging in RiverVixen's yard...I bartered time weeding in exchange for some of her volunteer ferns, black-eyed susans, and lambs ear. I'm excited about the plants and she seems happy with the service. Win-win. It's a little tricky to come home with enough energy to get them into the ground here. Next time, I will be smarter and prepare my space BEFORE going to her house. :P As it is, I should be able to finish what I have before it is too hot tomorrow.
*shakes head* Hot. The weather has been nuts. 80F in March and 90F in May. With no AC in the house, I am positively dreading this summer. Beloved and I are casually making plans for an "apartment" in the basement to retreat to. The hardest one is a bed for us. I think the kids will be perfectly happy on cots, but I am concerned that my back won't do well with that. I did scored some free wood pallets and we can haul the mattress down and put it on top of pallets. From there, maybe the kids and I will try some tie-dye art on old sheets for curtains and "partitions".
*half smiles* I'm daydreaming instead of being HERE. Instead of addressing chores or reading through class material or doing anything that might lighten the burden I feel.
There's so many people inning on me, I'm getting run into the ground. Everybody's wantin' something from me, and there's not enough of me to go around... ~ "Natural High", Getting My Act Together and Taking It On the Road
Always my standby, so often running through my head. I am also hearing Namaste's patient voice...that it is all part of the process. Embrace the process.
"Quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep." ~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
Live in the now. Breathe. Sit. Love YOURSELF as you love others. Maybe I should go wash the sunscreen off my face and eat. There is time enough.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Doing a drive-by...
I don't seem to have time to do anything else...always on the run! Anyhow, a couple of quick updates:
* Rain is home! I flew out to Pennsylvania and drove home with her. There are a lot of questions about how things will go forward, but she has accepted a full-time teaching job here in Illinois. We're good at figuring things out on the fly. Mostly, I wonder and worry about labels. *chuckles* She makes my anti-label frustration look like nothing!
* I saw some friends! The drive was a really great opportunity to catch up with some of MY friends, although the visits were way to short to make up for how long it's been...in one case, it has been over 6 YEARS since we got together. The amazing part is, it was like we live next door. Plans are in the works to make an actual VISIT with the family in August.
* Sacred Feminine Intensive. I continue to lag behind. I seriously need some time to myself to read through the materials and determine my daily devotional. *sigh* This is just one of those things that I WANT to do, but no one seems to understand that I need time to do it. I'm sure he doesn't mean to, but Beloved has made me feel very guilty about jumping on my computer. I suppose I understand, since I'm often limited to a few minutes and so I grab a game (10-15 minutes) rather than something more intensive...round and round...
* Branding. I have made the decision to postpone my branding. I am ultimately uncomfortable with the circumstances and the proposed artist. For me, the brand is something built on 20 years of consideration and desire. The artist hasn't been in touch with me, despite a couple of attempts on my side, and I do not want to feel like this is being "squeezed in" for a busy schedule at Twisted Tryst. It is too important. So...it will wait. SOMEDAY...
* Ablation. Everything is looking on schedule for the procedure, which will destroy my uterine lining and probably end my moontimes. It's kind of funny that I am having mixed feelings about it all the sudden...not that I LIKE having a moon cycle, but...I don't know. There are many, many stories that highlight women's cycles, and I am choosing to deliberately withdraw from that shared history. Weird...neurotic...but that's why you like to read me! *laughs*
I think that is a pretty good summary...I have to get back to groceries and then pick up Boy and make dinner for company and...
* Rain is home! I flew out to Pennsylvania and drove home with her. There are a lot of questions about how things will go forward, but she has accepted a full-time teaching job here in Illinois. We're good at figuring things out on the fly. Mostly, I wonder and worry about labels. *chuckles* She makes my anti-label frustration look like nothing!
* I saw some friends! The drive was a really great opportunity to catch up with some of MY friends, although the visits were way to short to make up for how long it's been...in one case, it has been over 6 YEARS since we got together. The amazing part is, it was like we live next door. Plans are in the works to make an actual VISIT with the family in August.
* Sacred Feminine Intensive. I continue to lag behind. I seriously need some time to myself to read through the materials and determine my daily devotional. *sigh* This is just one of those things that I WANT to do, but no one seems to understand that I need time to do it. I'm sure he doesn't mean to, but Beloved has made me feel very guilty about jumping on my computer. I suppose I understand, since I'm often limited to a few minutes and so I grab a game (10-15 minutes) rather than something more intensive...round and round...
* Branding. I have made the decision to postpone my branding. I am ultimately uncomfortable with the circumstances and the proposed artist. For me, the brand is something built on 20 years of consideration and desire. The artist hasn't been in touch with me, despite a couple of attempts on my side, and I do not want to feel like this is being "squeezed in" for a busy schedule at Twisted Tryst. It is too important. So...it will wait. SOMEDAY...
* Ablation. Everything is looking on schedule for the procedure, which will destroy my uterine lining and probably end my moontimes. It's kind of funny that I am having mixed feelings about it all the sudden...not that I LIKE having a moon cycle, but...I don't know. There are many, many stories that highlight women's cycles, and I am choosing to deliberately withdraw from that shared history. Weird...neurotic...but that's why you like to read me! *laughs*
I think that is a pretty good summary...I have to get back to groceries and then pick up Boy and make dinner for company and...
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