Who can I talk to? Who might understand? I remember one night, decades ago, when I sat at the computer to pour my angst out into pixels. My page started with "Dear Computer," and my father said that it was okay to be angry, to hate him...but don't talk to a machine. Find someone...
Is that you? Are you listening? What do you hear? What sense does this make, if any? Or am I still just emptying my heart into a machine?
Bits and pieces of my day filter through my thoughts, unorganized, unbidden. Each a different speaker, yet all from today...
You are a creature of light.
They will do whatever it takes to break you.
Most women seem relieved.
Describe what you mean by "service" submissive.
You're in my thoughts...
Deep breaths, my love. It will be no big deal.
She's doing lamaze breathing.
You seem to have an aversion for sleep.
I won't leave you alone.
What should I do?
What should I do? I *should* sleep. Perhaps I even should swallow a little pink pill that will MAKE me sleep. But I'm fighting so hard to align myself...how can I find myself if every time it gets hard, I duck out? What am I made of, really? I think of my mom...the hell she went through with the cancer, so brave, stubborn, STUPID...but I remember being told the same things when I was pregnant and dying. I know why. The distraction makes it possible for you to take the next step, to wake up in the morning. Without the distraction...
I'm so scared of losing myself...of finding myself. Is the ablation different from a branding? Does it count if I'm in twilight and then tucked into bed? Why do I feel like everyone walks on eggshells around me? Am I crazy?
I am so tired, but I can't sleep. I am tumbling through emotions and I don't have a foothold. This isn't like the Vipassana where it felt like I was dissolving into a whole...no...this is more like I am crumbling. Dry leaves, disintegrating.
I don't want to explain D/s or why stones make ripples in the water or how to file tax exemptions. I want to plunge my hands into the dirt, to ground myself literally. I want to lose myself in the solitude of the beach. I want to curl up with the cat purring at my side, to feel the warmth and weight.
If you are reading this...click the BACK button, close the window, go away. I don't want you to see this uncertainty. I'm poised and pixie. I can work miracles and move mountains. Pay no attention to the little girl in the corner. I am the great and powerful PIXIE!
*sigh* I'm not fooling you, am I? Yeah...I'm not fooling myself much either, but sometimes the verbal vomit does make you feel better. I wiped my eyes and got biofreeze in them, so I gotta go. Sorry about the mess...I'll add it to my list to clean up...
