There is an ache when I see something that I identify with too much. Perhaps it is because it chips away at the illusion that I am someone unique, someone special. YesterDAY was probably on of the best days I have had in weeks. I decided on and registered for something amazing for Girl's third birthday. I don't imagine she will have complete memories of it, but it fulfills a fantasy *I* have held since my own childhood. At the moment, I feel like I could dance. This...THIS is what I begged for in those dreadful weeks of my first pregnancy. The taste of magic. The realization that the magic is real and can flow through me, effortlessly.
From there, I shut down the computer. The electronics have been a stone in my shoe...blistering and crippling. Instead, I went through the summer wardrobe, cleared out the winter stuff (at last!), and even put some things aside for my ablation-healing and camp.
When Girl was bored with her bath, we went outside. We blew some bubbles and I cut down the broken lupus stalks and the lemon balm. There are three bundles of it drying on the porch. I was considering doing the same with the sage when Girl asked about taking a walk.
We scooped up some books to return to the library, and then played for about 20 minutes at the swimming stones before dropping by The Mill. I don't know how long he's been at it, but HBY inherited the place and has done a painstaking job with the restoration. The front is commercial, but the back and the upstairs are residential...designed for one resident in particular. And it is amazing. From the display shelves for his collection of "toys" to the split bathroom with slate tiling (damn it, I am back to being grumpy we couldn't afford slate for the Master Bath) to the exposed copper water pipes, to the kitchen concept, to the glorious ceiling in the Great Room... I have a serious case of house-envy! It is positively glorious!
We chatted a bit and teased about how I am going to have to be the one who packs for my ablation-healing...otherwise, I'm sure to end up with no unders and lots of sheer clothes. Girl refused a ride home, so we hurried as far as the China Hut and ordered some bubble tea to slurp on the rush home to get in the car to get to school to pick Boy up.
He was a little reluctant until I told him we were coming back for the play. We wandered around FiveBelow looking for suitable congratulations for the actors...all we found were goggles that will hopefully be better than the crappy ones I tossed in the Easter baskets and a prize for BaconFest (yes, I DO start this early on such things). We got back to school and thoroughly enjoyed the "green eggs" cookies and playing in the park.
I braved Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. *deep breaths* Beloved told me next time I should take ear plugs as well as the tokens. I swear my ears get more and more sensitive...
The evening presented a little hitch that was designed to rattle me. Clever, but the brain behind the ploy didn't take into account that I have friends in many places. *shrug* The report back was "markedly unfounded". Go suck on a shoe.
Still, I decided on a bath to unwind and made a fatal mistake; I picked up the third book...The MockingJay.
Beloved said the book was hard, and it was. I got completely lost in the trudge through the Capitol, much in the same way much in the same way I can only take so much catastrophic drama in movies before I lose interest and end up scanning to see when the horror ends and the story resumes. It was the epilogue that was my undoing. Those two pages weren't written about some fictional character...they were ME, in black and white, in someone else's language.
"One day I'll have to explain about my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won't ever really go away. I'll tell them how I survived it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away."
I cried...not for the character, but for myself. Because one day...right now...I am struggling to make sense of my own horrors and losses and resentments and insecurities. I am doing Very Big Work, and the core reasons were summed up in that last sentence. *winces* That chip in the armor...partly that I'm not unique, partly because so many other people are trapped in their own stories and probably identify with it as closely as I do. I wish I had enough magic to wave a wand..
*sigh* The ablation is tomorrow. In fact, 24 hours from this posting, it will be DONE. *deep breaths* I think I would choose a 10 minute roller coaster ride on the world's worst roller coast than this stupid 10 minute medical procedure. Any medical procedure. Voluntarily getting my innards microwaved and having meds for expected nausea and muscle cramps just isn't my idea of a relaxing time. The ONLY saving graces right now is that I am familiar with twilight and I actually like this doctor. *deep breaths* Like I said, 24 hours and it will be over. I'll be tucked into bed AND I have a free pass to do absolutely nothing all weekend except sleep. That...well, yeah, that's pretty sweet.
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