Damn it, I hate roller coasters.

*sigh* It sure has been a rough couple of days. Last night, I gave Beloved the example of marbles. Pretty, shiny marbles are fun and easy to pick up. I have my hands full of marbles right now, each one representing a different responsibility or upcoming obstacle (real or perceived): Boy, Girl, chores, ablation, Tryst, major poly-life adjustments, the garden, my work on self-discovery and identifying needs/wants/desires, rebooting drum circle, school/work/future, withdrawal.

My hands are only so big. The more marbles I try to hold, the more I become afraid of dropping one. If I drop a marble while looking at one of the other ones, how do I pick it up without risking dropping more? I am frozen. I can't enjoy any individual marble, and I can't hold on to all of them at once.

Still, I try. hahaha. I'm not human, I'm pixie! I can do it! Watch!

One of the blemishes on the Tryst marble has been potential interactions with an "ex" at Twisted Tryst. I have been worrying about this pretty much since our paths crossed at a poly event back in March. I attempted to be kind and civil, but that didn't seem replicated, by her specifically. I am very good at spinning fears in my head, so in a moment of clarity, I stopped and decided just ask if I was imagining the worst. Apparently I was not.

The last response I got was

I want to offer more clarification. The way things stand right now, you would not be welcome at any drum circle or event. [E]ncountering each other at Tryst will cause tension at the least.

I have spent the last couple of hours doing an excelled version of the five stages of grief. I have come to a place of acceptance with this drama. Re-reading my initial response this morning, I think addressing another e-mail to them would be like rubbing salt in the wounds. At the same time, I am trying for transparency and I need to share.


My intentions response

I do not appreciate the passive-aggressive threat that "encountering each other at Tryst will cause tension at the least." Even with 250 campers, I cannot promise that we will not encounter each other. The best I can offer is transparency in my intentions.

At Tryst, all events are open to everyone, including the drum circle. No one should feel unwelcome at ANYTHING sponsored by Tryst, ever. If individual campers want to do individual things at their own campsites, obviously they are free to do that and invite whomever they please.

I intend to bask in the company of my own tribe and the Tryst Tribe energy. I intend to relish my camp experiences. I intend to maintain a respectful distance, in mind if not in body. I intend to be at the Tryst drum circles.

*deep breaths* I am trying to do some Very Big Works in the area of self, but the progress is agonizingly slow. Beloved has talked about context switching at work...the problem when you are deep in coding and someone jolts you out of the thought-process with a completely unrelated issue and the time it steals from productivity because of how long it takes to get back into your groove. I deal with context switching interruptions every 20 minutes (the length of a Go, Diego GO! episode). My head hurts, my body is tense, and It seems to me that the roller coaster of the Universe is doing all it can to make me lose my marbles.