Life can be like a roller coaster...

I'm not going to get into it...just accept the summary that yesterday was a *BAAAAD* day in my little world. That said, you can forget Six Flags...I am the ultimate roller coaster! *sigh*

Thank you to those who confirmed that it's springtime and busy and not that I'm doing something wrong with Blogger in regards to the comments! I really appreciate it! I've poked the admin folks with my complaint, but at least for now I know I can force the issue.

In the middle of the middle of the meltdowns, a friend of mine wrote that, "I'd like to be my own friend, I really would."

geez...I'm laughing and crying trying to verbalize my response to that simple thought. There's a gut-wrenching honesty in it that I recognize as something I need to work on, too. When I went looking for a life-as-roller-coaster quote this morning, I found this:

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.” ~Stacey Charter

When you are strong enough to love yourself....that is a WOW thought in my present existence. I spent plenty of time yesterday indulging in self-pity and feeling very much like a selfish bitch. I know how much is done for me. What more can I possibly ask for? REALLY? What the hell do I need to be happy? You all give so damn much and I am embarrassed and ashamed that I don't know what I can give in return...can't imagine or understand why you all put up with me...

Fold in highlights of silly conversations and pleasure of connecting with others of "my kind" (and being told to "tell Sunshine I said....penis" was a hilarious highlight in my day), and sheer abandon and confidence I had Saturday night... yeah. It's been a ride the last 48 hours.

I can't think beyond June 10th, but the next three weeks have an awful lot going on that perhaps I haven't given enough credit to the import it has. The ablation, only 4 days way, is looming up the way the real monster appears in movies...you think it's a tiny, squashable nuisance, and the closer you get, the more you are looking UP and thinking, oh crap....

I am worried that I have bitten off more than I can chew with my garden this spring. I got so excited with how awesome things were coming in that I got ambitious. I have some HUGE work ahead, and I'm freezing up and getting annoyed with just thinking about it.

My birthday bash...scamming people to go to Rocky Horror with me...and not being as confident that this is the hilarity I first thought it would be. I'm sure it will be great...I just need to beef up on the mantra that THIS IS ME DAMN IT! No apology, no excuse.

Tryst. Oh gods...Twisted Tryst is an unknown, and that always fucks with me. I'll get to see Sir, although he's promised to make me squirm despite (or perhaps BECAUSE) I'm not doing the branding. I'm nervous about potential problems with DSG and AprilBlue, although camp is huge, because of the drumming. I don't want it to feel like a competition ("Drum with me." "No, come drum with ME!" childish kid-crap) but I am afraid of feeling very unwelcome trying to drum with them...at least I have owned up and asked directly on that one...

That ends June 10th. The rest of the summer is in a nebulous "later" in my mind. So much in my life right now is falling into that space...I can't do that NOW...maybe "later". It is making my heart hurt.