The forecast has triple digits this week. The basement is not even close to done. *sigh* It's going to be rough.
On the more positive side, the house is clean and week TWO of the Sunday chores has been accomplished! There's a little pick-up from Girl this afternoon, but that is manageable.
Tuesday, we are getting a new bed. Beloved and I finally gave in to Shado's enthusiasm for a Sleep Number Bed. Holy mackeral is it expensive! Thinking about it makes my gut clench, but...but if it really helps with my back problems, it is probably worth it. Leap of faith and all that good stuff.
Boy has one week of camp left before there are two weeks at home. I'm a little nervous, but there are things lining up to keep us somewhat busy. Somewhere I want to get a little camping trip in, although I'm late looking for a site. Maybe July 6-8?
Counseling continues. I want to jump up and down and brag about how it's all better and I can see clearly now. It's not quite that simple, and I am still dealing with a lot of lows. The last session, we started talking about the polycule and I pulled out the map. "How many of these are still as they were when this was created?" I teared up immediately. Only one of them, and the one is a long-distance romantic friendship tempered by the both of us having primary partners.
Some might claim it isn't necessary, that I am unfairly shutting them out of my life. Sadly, I don't agree. Earl Nightingale authored "The Strangest Secret". He says, we are what we think about.
"You are the little bright spot in my day." When your dominant thoughts are dark and depressed, I cannot bare the weight of that responsibility. Every one of us is the sum total of our own thoughts, and I was getting swallowed up in complicated and bleak thinking. My day starting with worry over someone else's issues or how I might be at fault for the state of chaos. It was killing me. I had to isolate my own emotions, untangle my heart, and walk free. I have to find my own happiness, and you need to find yours.
I have admitted over and over that this is not how I imagined my life would be. This is not how I envisioned my success, and thus, I am not successful here. I am not STUCK here unless I allow myself to be stuck. I have to cut away the fetters and permit myself to soar as I was divinely designed to do.
I am back to considering vision boards...and external, tangible image for myself. What is MY definition of success?
Back to Nightingale and his 30-day test:
1. Write on a card what you want more than anything else. Single goal, clearly defined.
2. Think of it in a cheerful, relaxed and positive way each morning when you get up, and immediately you have something to work towards, something to live for.
3. Stop thinking about what it is you fear, replace it with a positive though – control your thinking.
4. Do more than you have to.
5. Give of yourself more, knowing that your returns will be in proportion to what you sow.
6. Don’t concern yourself with how you are going to achieve the goal, just where are you going. The answers will come to you of their own accord and at the right time.
Remember your card every day.
Act as though it was impossible to fail.
Control your thoughts.
Limitations are self imposed.
Have courage.
Use your imagination.
Become the person you *want* to become.
You have nothing to lose, but you have a whole life to win.
Have faith!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
missing life
It's 9pm on a Friday night. I'm thinking about bed. There's some part of me that is very sad about this. When did I get so old?
Thursday, June 21, 2012
African Chicken
Sterling commented, "African Chicken? Sounds like something you should share the recipe for."
There is a story I have to share first.
Before I was born, there was a young political refugee from South Africa. Upon seeing my Opa, this young man opened his arms and embraced Opa, announcing, "My American father! I greet you!" Opa brought the young man home, and that is how Molapatene Collins Ramusi became part of the family. I knew him as Uncle Mafa.
African chicken is a meal that he made for my family. I have vivid memories of how wonderful dinner was, and my mother's cry of despair when she saw the aftermath in the kitchen.
Although he was allowed to return to South Africa in 1984, when his wife was killed, Uncle Mafa returned to Chicago briefly...I don't remember when, but it was for a wedding, done with the traditional tribal flare. My Da and I were among the few white-skinned people who attended. It was the last time I ever saw him. I do not know if he lived to see Nelson Mandela released from prison, but I hope so!
The exact recipe for the meal made in my childhood home is long-gone. It is also peanut based, so I have had to experiment with alternatives. This approximation is close enough to bring back memories of a magnificent man.
African Chicken
Ingredients
Directions
Put peppers, onion, and chicken into a skillet. Stir-fry until chicken is cooked through, and the vegetables are wilting. Remove from heat.
In a stew pot, combine the tomato paste, nut butter, broth, and spices over a low heat. Stir in the chicken and peppers and simmer for 20-30 minutes or longer...like chili, it is more flavorful the longer it sits. Just be careful not to burn it!
(Alternatively, throw everything UNCOOKED in a crock pot and cook for 4 hours on high or 8-10 on high.)
Serve over rice, with a variety of toppings.
Topping suggestions
flaked coconut, peanuts (almonds, sunflower seeds, etc), raisins, dried cranberries, banana slices, crushed pineapple, chutney, chopped hard-boiled eggs, chopped eggplant, apple pieces tomatoes, shredded carrots, chopped eggplant
There is a story I have to share first.
Before I was born, there was a young political refugee from South Africa. Upon seeing my Opa, this young man opened his arms and embraced Opa, announcing, "My American father! I greet you!" Opa brought the young man home, and that is how Molapatene Collins Ramusi became part of the family. I knew him as Uncle Mafa.
African chicken is a meal that he made for my family. I have vivid memories of how wonderful dinner was, and my mother's cry of despair when she saw the aftermath in the kitchen.Although he was allowed to return to South Africa in 1984, when his wife was killed, Uncle Mafa returned to Chicago briefly...I don't remember when, but it was for a wedding, done with the traditional tribal flare. My Da and I were among the few white-skinned people who attended. It was the last time I ever saw him. I do not know if he lived to see Nelson Mandela released from prison, but I hope so!
The exact recipe for the meal made in my childhood home is long-gone. It is also peanut based, so I have had to experiment with alternatives. This approximation is close enough to bring back memories of a magnificent man.
African Chicken
Ingredients
- 2 green peppers, cut into rings
- 1 onion, cut into rings
- 4-6 chicken breasts, cut into cubes
- 6-oz tomato paste
- 3/4 cup "nut" butter (I use almond or sunbutter, traditionally, it is peanut butter)
- 2 cups chicken broth
- 1 teaspoon chili powder
- 1 teaspoon sugar
- 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
Directions
Put peppers, onion, and chicken into a skillet. Stir-fry until chicken is cooked through, and the vegetables are wilting. Remove from heat.
In a stew pot, combine the tomato paste, nut butter, broth, and spices over a low heat. Stir in the chicken and peppers and simmer for 20-30 minutes or longer...like chili, it is more flavorful the longer it sits. Just be careful not to burn it!
(Alternatively, throw everything UNCOOKED in a crock pot and cook for 4 hours on high or 8-10 on high.)
Serve over rice, with a variety of toppings.
Topping suggestions
flaked coconut, peanuts (almonds, sunflower seeds, etc), raisins, dried cranberries, banana slices, crushed pineapple, chutney, chopped hard-boiled eggs, chopped eggplant, apple pieces tomatoes, shredded carrots, chopped eggplant
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
a lesson to embrace
An anonymous writer challenged me in my last post..."Maybe the reason he didn't fight your wish to leave is because he wishes you would."
Perhaps this person is just a stranger who is embittered by a personal situation and didn't read or understand what really happened in the exchange I shared. Perhaps this person is less anonymous and is using my blog to fire poisoned arrows towards my heart just as I am swinging back to a more positive side.
I have a choice, though.
I can let the poison sit in my blood, boil in the back of my brain, and ruin my day.
I can take a deep breath and let it go.
*wry smile* My knee-jerk reaction was to rise up and challenge the person. Then I went looking for IP address loggers to add to my blog, to protect myself. In both cases, I allow this individual to dictate my actions.
Blogging about it is not much better, but maybe it is. The comment was mean and hurtful, and it stung. It does not change anything, though.
*blinks* Sometimes...wow. Sometimes writing here surprises me. Did you see it? The little spark of magic right just four sentences back? THAT is the lesson for the day! The comment, the other person...they are OUTSIDE of me. It does not matter what they think. What matters is what *I* think.
This is an internal locus of control,, for those of my fellow nerds and geeksters. *chuckles* I'm not precisely a Fount of Useless Knowledge...I use Google for that...but I love school-stuff, and I have a pretty good memory for bits and pieces.
I think this is the beginning, and what I will take to counseling this week. I need to develop a strong internal locus. I need to remember that I am a creature of light. I need to own my own feelings and my own actions.
*nods* Those are good things to work on.
Today, I am also going to work on laundry, and I'll do an initial pick-up in the basement while I'm down there. There is a Jim Gill concert that Girl and I are going to this afternoon. I am making African chicken for supper. I am going to begin prep for our Solstice celebration tomorrow. I am going to feel good about today.
Perhaps this person is just a stranger who is embittered by a personal situation and didn't read or understand what really happened in the exchange I shared. Perhaps this person is less anonymous and is using my blog to fire poisoned arrows towards my heart just as I am swinging back to a more positive side.
I have a choice, though.
I can let the poison sit in my blood, boil in the back of my brain, and ruin my day.
I can take a deep breath and let it go.
*wry smile* My knee-jerk reaction was to rise up and challenge the person. Then I went looking for IP address loggers to add to my blog, to protect myself. In both cases, I allow this individual to dictate my actions.
Blogging about it is not much better, but maybe it is. The comment was mean and hurtful, and it stung. It does not change anything, though.
*blinks* Sometimes...wow. Sometimes writing here surprises me. Did you see it? The little spark of magic right just four sentences back? THAT is the lesson for the day! The comment, the other person...they are OUTSIDE of me. It does not matter what they think. What matters is what *I* think.
This is an internal locus of control,, for those of my fellow nerds and geeksters. *chuckles* I'm not precisely a Fount of Useless Knowledge...I use Google for that...but I love school-stuff, and I have a pretty good memory for bits and pieces.
I think this is the beginning, and what I will take to counseling this week. I need to develop a strong internal locus. I need to remember that I am a creature of light. I need to own my own feelings and my own actions.
*nods* Those are good things to work on.
Today, I am also going to work on laundry, and I'll do an initial pick-up in the basement while I'm down there. There is a Jim Gill concert that Girl and I are going to this afternoon. I am making African chicken for supper. I am going to begin prep for our Solstice celebration tomorrow. I am going to feel good about today.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
cleaning...
Yesterday, Beloved looked at me for a long moment and smiled. I haven't seen you look this close to content in a long time.
A bit of a change from the last post, and all part of the roller coaster ride I've been on for a while. So what changed this time?
Friday afternoon, I made a very hard phone call, wrote a very hard letter, and ended a relationship that had become increasingly impossible for me to maintain. I'm so sorry...it was killing me and I had to let go. If you have lost someone you loved very much but knew it was time to let them go, you might know where I am. The restorative grief mixed with a guilty sense of relief.
Friday night, I chatted for a while with Futhark. Life experiences, while usually painful, tend to mature us and I appreciated his frank point of view. *wry smile* Sometimes it is hard to hear the outsider's view of "truth", but he didn't have anything to add that surprised me. Generally speaking, I've gotten to be a cold and nasty piece of work, and it is going to take some effort to undo bad habits. Let go of those little hateful thoughts, as Beloved put it.
Saturday afternoon, I took advantage of naptime to come clean about my insistent thoughts of leaving. Since we managed to pay off all of the credit cards, the only mutually held debt is the house. We each have a small monetary nest egg from our grandparents, and nursed carefully, I could probably land a work-study program at a college and reboot my life. I would not challenge his primary custodian of the kids. He would have Sunshine's support with the kids, and perhaps even a teacher-break by sending the kids to her school. Real and solid considerations.
He didn't challenge it. He talked about how hard it's been the last week since Tryst, his concern that I fall into the "no matter where you go, there you are" syndrome. He said that he would support whatever I *needed* to do, and encouraged me to work through some of this with my counselor to determine if it was a *need*.
He didn't downplay my feelings, didn't tell me I was being silly, didn't guilt-trip me about how hard it would be without me. He listened and he validated me. THAT did more for my soul than I can possibly express.
Sunday morning, we...Beloved, Boy, Girl, and I...we cleaned house. (In the midst of all this crap, our roommate bought her very own condo and has moved out to start her doctorate program. Bully to her!) The carpets were cleaned last week, we have a quote for filling the cistern in the basement, and now the whole house has been scrubbed down. There's still a mess of crap on the pool table...a hurry-up-and-wait with the basement and moving furniture down there...but it's CLEAN. We had finished up and were eating lunch when Beloved commented on my state of almost-content.
Today, I got some long-overdue garden work done. The lupines and alliums had dried and I harvested the seeds (If you are interested, I have TONS to share!). I wasn't so sure yesterday, but today, yes, I am feeling content.
Enough so that although there was an initial clutchly-clinging "don't go!" when Beloved left to spend the night with Sunshine, I am actually relieved that I had the time to do my own thing. I got the kids to bed and then finished up some pruning work and sat on the steps, enjoying the cooler evening air. Then I got some much needed work done on my own room...enough that the mess is contained and not spilling over everywhere. Then I took a long shower and scrubbed and shaved.
I haven't felt this CLEAN in the longest time.
A bit of a change from the last post, and all part of the roller coaster ride I've been on for a while. So what changed this time?
Friday afternoon, I made a very hard phone call, wrote a very hard letter, and ended a relationship that had become increasingly impossible for me to maintain. I'm so sorry...it was killing me and I had to let go. If you have lost someone you loved very much but knew it was time to let them go, you might know where I am. The restorative grief mixed with a guilty sense of relief.
Friday night, I chatted for a while with Futhark. Life experiences, while usually painful, tend to mature us and I appreciated his frank point of view. *wry smile* Sometimes it is hard to hear the outsider's view of "truth", but he didn't have anything to add that surprised me. Generally speaking, I've gotten to be a cold and nasty piece of work, and it is going to take some effort to undo bad habits. Let go of those little hateful thoughts, as Beloved put it.
Saturday afternoon, I took advantage of naptime to come clean about my insistent thoughts of leaving. Since we managed to pay off all of the credit cards, the only mutually held debt is the house. We each have a small monetary nest egg from our grandparents, and nursed carefully, I could probably land a work-study program at a college and reboot my life. I would not challenge his primary custodian of the kids. He would have Sunshine's support with the kids, and perhaps even a teacher-break by sending the kids to her school. Real and solid considerations.
He didn't challenge it. He talked about how hard it's been the last week since Tryst, his concern that I fall into the "no matter where you go, there you are" syndrome. He said that he would support whatever I *needed* to do, and encouraged me to work through some of this with my counselor to determine if it was a *need*.
He didn't downplay my feelings, didn't tell me I was being silly, didn't guilt-trip me about how hard it would be without me. He listened and he validated me. THAT did more for my soul than I can possibly express.
Sunday morning, we...Beloved, Boy, Girl, and I...we cleaned house. (In the midst of all this crap, our roommate bought her very own condo and has moved out to start her doctorate program. Bully to her!) The carpets were cleaned last week, we have a quote for filling the cistern in the basement, and now the whole house has been scrubbed down. There's still a mess of crap on the pool table...a hurry-up-and-wait with the basement and moving furniture down there...but it's CLEAN. We had finished up and were eating lunch when Beloved commented on my state of almost-content.
Today, I got some long-overdue garden work done. The lupines and alliums had dried and I harvested the seeds (If you are interested, I have TONS to share!). I wasn't so sure yesterday, but today, yes, I am feeling content.
Enough so that although there was an initial clutchly-clinging "don't go!" when Beloved left to spend the night with Sunshine, I am actually relieved that I had the time to do my own thing. I got the kids to bed and then finished up some pruning work and sat on the steps, enjoying the cooler evening air. Then I got some much needed work done on my own room...enough that the mess is contained and not spilling over everywhere. Then I took a long shower and scrubbed and shaved.
I haven't felt this CLEAN in the longest time.
Friday, June 15, 2012
bruised and battered
While not perfect, it had been a pretty reasonable week. Mostly quiet...carefully hiding my wounds, dutifully avoiding triggers, diligently seeking professional help. heh.
There is a certain amount of irony that must be appreciated here. I have an emotional crisis and finally hit the point that I should probably try in-patient help only to come home and find a letter from the insurance company that they are changing services to a provide I can not and will never again trust. *sigh* We're working on the bureaucracy. In the mean time, I might end up paying $200/visit out of pocket.
damn it.
But four days, and I thought maybe I was managing. Maybe I was putting the pieces back together enough...
It was not intentional, but Beloved drew me out, offered a new version of a trigger, and I collapsed in tears and loathing.
Tonight, he is out with people he met at Tryst. People he met with Sunshine at Tryst. Because of the emotional chaos I created, I wasn't mentioned. They know Saul and Sunshine as a couple, and they invited Saul and Sunshine as a couple. Although he offered the differentiation from D&d's "advanced poly" class...that there is a unique dynamic between us...I can't help but feel sponged out...replaced.
If I had asked, he would have stayed home. *sad smile* I don't want to be one of those people who expect YOU to be miserable just because I am. Still...ouch.
There is a certain amount of irony that must be appreciated here. I have an emotional crisis and finally hit the point that I should probably try in-patient help only to come home and find a letter from the insurance company that they are changing services to a provide I can not and will never again trust. *sigh* We're working on the bureaucracy. In the mean time, I might end up paying $200/visit out of pocket.
damn it.
But four days, and I thought maybe I was managing. Maybe I was putting the pieces back together enough...
It was not intentional, but Beloved drew me out, offered a new version of a trigger, and I collapsed in tears and loathing.
Tonight, he is out with people he met at Tryst. People he met with Sunshine at Tryst. Because of the emotional chaos I created, I wasn't mentioned. They know Saul and Sunshine as a couple, and they invited Saul and Sunshine as a couple. Although he offered the differentiation from D&d's "advanced poly" class...that there is a unique dynamic between us...I can't help but feel sponged out...replaced.
If I had asked, he would have stayed home. *sad smile* I don't want to be one of those people who expect YOU to be miserable just because I am. Still...ouch.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Well, that was a disater...
The good news is it did not rain while I was in the woods. I had good fortune in where my tent got placed, in actual woods and on the outskirts of the main camp. The tree that was directly overhead was a mature redbud, and I spent hours memorized by the canopy. There were some very pretty garden patches that I got to wander through, and I was delighted to recognize most of the plants...disappointed I didn't get a chance to ask about the ones I didn't know. The ponds had tiny little frogs that got brave if you sat quietly long enough.
But given that this was Tryst...well, the bad news is I spent the majority of the time in solitude observing the natural gems and trying very, very hard to keep a handle on the internal panic and emotional craze. I haven't been exactly stable for a while now, and for me, Twisted Tryst was about as nightmare-ish as it could get without it being intentional. Within 24 hours of arrival, I had a fairly complete emotional collapse. In the following seventy-two hours, I tore off Beloved's key, made a wreck of the remaining shreds between Rain and myself, disappointed and cut off Sir, and blew off Malifeo and SpiritualPennies.
I am a mess and it is serious enough that I am looking into the mental health facility in the morning. I am not sure how that will go, but if I am committed, it might be a couple of weeks before I see my computer again. I don't know what else I can say. For now, I am putting pixie to sleep and seeking out help with the wreckage of my life. *sigh* It's not the end...but I almost wish it was just plain over.
But given that this was Tryst...well, the bad news is I spent the majority of the time in solitude observing the natural gems and trying very, very hard to keep a handle on the internal panic and emotional craze. I haven't been exactly stable for a while now, and for me, Twisted Tryst was about as nightmare-ish as it could get without it being intentional. Within 24 hours of arrival, I had a fairly complete emotional collapse. In the following seventy-two hours, I tore off Beloved's key, made a wreck of the remaining shreds between Rain and myself, disappointed and cut off Sir, and blew off Malifeo and SpiritualPennies.
I am a mess and it is serious enough that I am looking into the mental health facility in the morning. I am not sure how that will go, but if I am committed, it might be a couple of weeks before I see my computer again. I don't know what else I can say. For now, I am putting pixie to sleep and seeking out help with the wreckage of my life. *sigh* It's not the end...but I almost wish it was just plain over.
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