Incredible Hulk...or Incredible Mother?!?

For his third birthday, Boy received a pair of Hulk SMASH gloves. They have electronic sounds when they smash into something...anything. I was having an argument with Boy, mostly because he didn't listen and thus had to be dragged away from playing...typical stuff that a parent argues with a 3 1/2 year old about. *shrug*

While he had thrown himself on the floor and was tantruming, I happened to kick one of the gloves.

"You're making me angry! You won't like me when I'm angry!"

Boy oh boy do I know that feeling!

w00t!

I've been able to squirm out of my 18 jeans for a few months, but now my 16 jeans aren't tight either! *happy dance* ...and back to running...! (maybe there IS a silver lining to all this running!)

hiatus?

Well, not exactly...

But between the seemingly endless stream of company, Boy's discovery of online preschooler games, and the improved weather, I haven't been at the computer very much.

I've gotten almost all of the bulbs I've already purchased planted, with is very exciting! For the last two years, I've purchased plants that never quite got into the ground, and I've felt really guilty about it. I'm hoping that I can maintain the progress on the yard.

Girl has another tooth coming in. Despite being a little more fussy, she's still an amazingly happy baby. Boy is 3 1/2...when he isn't pushing buttons (which is 85% of the time) he is a charming and caring child. SSQ warned me not to wish these days away...but sometimes it is really hard!

Play-wise, there's been a little fun, despite the busy household.

Last night, Beloved gave me a good flogging before cuffing me for bed. I still detest the sting when the strands wrap, but there is no denying that I slept well last night.

Night before, Beloved fucked my face...*frowns* I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. Or maybe I do...I am not overly thrilled with being objectified and used. Some people might find it hawt but not me. *shrug* I'll submit...but comparing face-fucking to fellatio is rather like comparing my stick-figure drawings to a masterpiece.

This morning, I went browsing metal bed frames. *smirks* There's a really amazing one listed on craigslist, but unfortunately the new post for it doesn't include a photo and is NOT subtle. Beloved says we will build the next bed frame ourselves.

*sigh* Soooo many daydreams. Build out the attic, landscaping the yard, Beloved wants a fancy television, painting the house...on and on. But my time is up...I have to get back to the running...

Confused...

While I suppose people are interested in the scenes I've been playing in, I'm more contemplating the results.

Last night, after a complicated exchange, Beloved and I got into a rough and tumble match...him trying to get me into cuffs, me fighting like a hellcat to stay out of the cuffs. It was fun...playful. I guess I didn't really realize how frustrated Beloved was getting with the situation. A packing strap came out of the toybag and I have a few rope-burns because of it, but Beloved was pretty confident that he'd managed to bind me...except that I realized it was kinda like Chinese finger cuffs...if I stopped fighting and pushed instead of pulled, the strap loosened just enough for me to get out... Exasperated, he tossed the other cuff across the room and flopped on the bed. I immediately jumped up and cuddled next to him, like a cat in cream. He laughed, we talked...

But then he made a comment about not punching me...or that the belt could have gone around my neck...

Something inside of me just deflated...shrank. It wasn't fun anymore. Instead of being a switchy playmate, I was suddenly feeling like a poser-wannabie. I only want to play if it's a fair fight. If it ain't fair, I'm gonna sulk and pout. I'm only willing to serve on my own whim. I'm scared of the edge play.

I withdrew and grabbed a shower, thinking on the puzzle. I lay in bed, wondering what the hell I was doing. I've been mulling it over all day. I'm tired and confused.

I think a big piece of it is that I'm falling into the trap of comparisons. What I'm comfortable with, what I enjoy isn't as extreme as what others are doing. I'm not a "good" submissive because I fairly actively avoid any real pain-scene. I need to stop that. The only one who matters is Beloved, and he seems pretty happy with my play-levels.

But another piece is the whole "topping from the bottom". If I enter into a scene with a set of expectations, rules, demands for "fairness", is that topping from the bottom? Does it kill the fun if I'm not willing to be forced beyond the edge? Like the scene earlier this month, I reach the point that I was ANGRY and lashed out and it was no longer okay.

I don't know how to balance this. If you are a subbie reader, what do you do when it isn't FUN anymore? Do you safeword out? Do you withdraw into "subspace"? Do you negotiate "scripted scenes"?

If you're a Dommy reader, how do you deal with it when a sub withdraws or otherwise ends a scene? What would you consider "topping from the bottom"?

Kids 4 Sale: CHEAP!

Okay, not really...but some days...

It's a gorgeous day. Sixty degrees, sunny and perfect for doing a little yardwork and planting. I thought it would fun. Boy would be able to dig in the dirt and find worms, Girl could experience grass and sun, I'd get a few more plants into the ground.

Except that Boy only was interested in pulling the disappearing act or pouting by sitting on the curb (cars, unfortunately, go waaay fast on our street). Girl wanted to explore the grass, all right...by sticking handfuls into her mouth. After an hour, I had barely half of what I wanted to accomplish done.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I want to know what I'm doing WRONG!?! It seems to me every other mother I know accomplishes more than me...

sad, but true...

Okay...so here's a confession. One of the things I sacrifice is showers.

In the morning, there's two people who need to get ready for work, followed by keeping the kids busy and happy and general chores. Then there's the endless amount of laundry and a regularly-full dishwasher. And let's face it, if I'm going to get a shower, I want hot water for it!

There has been more than one occasion when Beloved has "banished" me to shower, and then later smirks about the orgasmic moans he hears...

Last night, Beloved commented that my nipples were salty. We laughed about it, but I didn't tell him I wasn't altogether surprised.

Friday in chat...

Sterling: How's your day going?
pixie: long...tiring. *shrug* I got a shower today, so it's not too bad.
Sterling: ~laughs~ Seems like you're saying that your days are often so busy you don't get that much.
pixie: *raises eyebrow* Last shower I managed to grab was Monday
Sterling: Oh wow. ~hugs you~
pixie: *laughs* might be stinky
Sterling: Oh well. I doubt it.

I appreciate the kindness...I appreciate the humor. I appreciate that my tolerance for sponge baths make it so my friends don't wonder...well, until now. *sigh* Still, it's sad, but true...those orgasmic moans are simply from getting clean!

Time keeps on slipping...

Jeeezzzz...almost a week is gone and I just haven't had a chance to post. Even now, Girl is fussing at my feet cause I'm not giving her 110% of my attention, so this is going to be short.

I can outlast Beloved when it comes to fellatio. *giggles* Yup! After more than 45 minutes, he made some silly comment to which I blinked up at him (oh so very innocently!!!), removed his cock from my mouth, and asked, "Oh, would you like to cum now?" Then I proceeded to prove that I can still surprise him...*grins*

so, I guess even when I'm giving a blowjob, time just slips away from me...not that Beloved minded all THAT much!