I don't squick easily. Honest! But some times, things just are gross, and guess what?! I'm gunna share my pain with you! :D
Tuesday night is trash night. I finally got the kids down and cleared the fridge of week-old leftovers and got the recycling together. I grabbed the last bag to go out, walked out the front door, around the side of the house, reached for the handle of the garbage can...
And stopped cold.
Everything...the can, the trash in the can, the ground...EVERYTHING is covered in maggots. I have never seen such a mass! It was just...eeeewww!!!
I went back in the house and got some latex gloves (thank goodness for the lifestyle! hahaha!), tucked up my skirts, and dutifully dragged the cans out to the curb. I am not quite sure if I can convey the mixed feelings I had when I saw the neighbors' cans were also coated in maggots...more squicky yuck but a definite sense of relief that it wasn't JUST my household that had them.
I'm torn between just trying to ignore them...after all, maggots mature and become flies and fly away...or pulling out something to spray the area with. Boiling water or insecticide or something. The problem is the plants I've worked so hard to establish are on the other side of the picket fence. *sigh*
So...I will probably just leave well enough alone. Although I think the need for screen-repair just got highlighted on the priority list!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
A woman is like a tea bag
A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
*soft smile* I have liked this quote for years, and I believe there is much truth to it. We will rise to the occasion if the need is real. However, there is another bit of truth to this saying. Like tea that is seeped too long and the tannin causes a bitter taste, a body needs to be careful not to become embittered by the challenges.
I am aware of this. I am trying to be careful of it. The family needs will continue to run very high through this weekend as we undertake the task of the apartment. Unfortunately, it must be faced immediately as RedVulpes and Beloved both have rigid work requirements to navigate.
I believe I can carry them through it, with the help of some close friends and family...rest assured I am not taking it on by myself!...but I am rather "planning" to fall apart in a week; to be selfish and needy and demanding for my heart and loss. I am blessed with the net of friends waiting in the wings for that necessary release...I promise to call on you when I am ready.
*soft smile* I have liked this quote for years, and I believe there is much truth to it. We will rise to the occasion if the need is real. However, there is another bit of truth to this saying. Like tea that is seeped too long and the tannin causes a bitter taste, a body needs to be careful not to become embittered by the challenges.
I am aware of this. I am trying to be careful of it. The family needs will continue to run very high through this weekend as we undertake the task of the apartment. Unfortunately, it must be faced immediately as RedVulpes and Beloved both have rigid work requirements to navigate.
I believe I can carry them through it, with the help of some close friends and family...rest assured I am not taking it on by myself!...but I am rather "planning" to fall apart in a week; to be selfish and needy and demanding for my heart and loss. I am blessed with the net of friends waiting in the wings for that necessary release...I promise to call on you when I am ready.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Tomorrow is not a promise
The sun will come up tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar there'll be sun...
We spend so much of our lives waiting for tomorrow, next week, next year. I'll get to it when there's more.... I'll take care of that after.... It's great to hear from you, but I have to run.....
But tomorrow is not a promise. There is no guarantee that there will be a next time, next week, next year. Some times, that reality comes at you from out of the blue, and it is enough to take your breath away.
We strive for a balance. Plan to go to school, to have a baby, to go on vacation, to retire. Plan for tomorrow with the faith that the sun will come up and the world will continue to exist.
But LIVE for today. Live in this moment, live in joy and heartache, live in relief and the hope. Live today, because tomorrow is not a promise.
We spend so much of our lives waiting for tomorrow, next week, next year. I'll get to it when there's more.... I'll take care of that after.... It's great to hear from you, but I have to run.....
But tomorrow is not a promise. There is no guarantee that there will be a next time, next week, next year. Some times, that reality comes at you from out of the blue, and it is enough to take your breath away.
We strive for a balance. Plan to go to school, to have a baby, to go on vacation, to retire. Plan for tomorrow with the faith that the sun will come up and the world will continue to exist.
But LIVE for today. Live in this moment, live in joy and heartache, live in relief and the hope. Live today, because tomorrow is not a promise.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Damn it...I'm TIRED!
I'm tired, damn it. I just want to slip into the oblivion of sleep.
Having no real success in the job market, I have been considering school. The one I settled on costs $20K and is one year. I don't *have* $20K, let alone money for childcare for a year of study. Yes, there's financial aid, but to be perfectly honest, Beloved's salary is in the doughnut hole...too little to pay outright, too much to qualify...
So, I signed up for a class at the community college. One about "career exploration strategies." Not knowing *what* career I'd actually enjoy, it sounded useful. I got a call the day before class was to start...that the class was canceled due to low enrollment. This has happened to me five or six times since I've tried taking classes in the Aurora area. I wonder what that says about my interests verse the rest of the community's. I wonder if that's the Universe's way of telling me to have patience...that my role of "suburban mom" isn't to be abandoned yet...
Since class is canceled, I have an unexpected free couple of hours. I *should* have just planned on my own time. However, I ended up chatting in the wee hours and was invited to lunch, but now I have to explain that I didn't sleep, I would be a true hazard if I drove and therefore I won't make lunch and I'm so sorry cause I know you won't be back in town until January...
Which led to my peering at the mountain of laundry and wondering if I should go take a shower and then start a load...or start a load in the hopes of going to SLEEP and grabbing a shower in the morning in the hopes that coffee will keep me awake enough to manage the drive...and I could probably squeeze two to three loads of laundry in during the day, even if I DID go for lunch...
But I was told specifically *by this friend* that I should manage my expectations better, and isn't expecting to be able to do the laundry, drop the kids, get to lunch, enjoy lunch, pick up the kids, and then have company for dinner just a *little* crazy if I have had no sleep?
And isn't that rather a negative ESFP shadow kind of thing to do? *"acting very impulsively, perhaps starting off more projects than the INTJ could hope to accomplish"*? HA!
Now I'm wondering what extreme stress, fatigue or illness I might be facing. I admit that in my childish happiness I disappointed someone important to me. And there's the gnat. And it's been really hot, so maybe heat stress counts? Or could it just be the drain of always being ON? Why did I agree to have company for dinner tonight...well, I didn't...they asked if we were available and I said yes. That means I won't have tomorrow evening free, so should I close the computer and do the laundry...but the shower sounds really good...but maybe I should e-mail the school and see if I can get Boy enrolled in summer camp after all because I just don't have the energy and inspiration to keep him active all summer and if I'm not taking that afternoon class I really *should* tell the sitter I don't need those hours but I could see if the Spanish class was still open because learning Spanish might help in that job search and if I had a job I might not get myself so overextended by helping others, but isn't that one of the reasons I'm interested in mortuary sciences...to help others in times of chaos and loss? And I really *should* go up into the attic now, while it is cool(er), and see what baby boy clothes I have to offer to another friend in need and I wonder what ShadoKnight did with his daughter's 5T cast-offs and I need to remember to call him about the camping trip this weekend...
Damn it...I'm TIRED! Please...please, can I have the oblivion of sleep???
Having no real success in the job market, I have been considering school. The one I settled on costs $20K and is one year. I don't *have* $20K, let alone money for childcare for a year of study. Yes, there's financial aid, but to be perfectly honest, Beloved's salary is in the doughnut hole...too little to pay outright, too much to qualify...
So, I signed up for a class at the community college. One about "career exploration strategies." Not knowing *what* career I'd actually enjoy, it sounded useful. I got a call the day before class was to start...that the class was canceled due to low enrollment. This has happened to me five or six times since I've tried taking classes in the Aurora area. I wonder what that says about my interests verse the rest of the community's. I wonder if that's the Universe's way of telling me to have patience...that my role of "suburban mom" isn't to be abandoned yet...
Since class is canceled, I have an unexpected free couple of hours. I *should* have just planned on my own time. However, I ended up chatting in the wee hours and was invited to lunch, but now I have to explain that I didn't sleep, I would be a true hazard if I drove and therefore I won't make lunch and I'm so sorry cause I know you won't be back in town until January...
Which led to my peering at the mountain of laundry and wondering if I should go take a shower and then start a load...or start a load in the hopes of going to SLEEP and grabbing a shower in the morning in the hopes that coffee will keep me awake enough to manage the drive...and I could probably squeeze two to three loads of laundry in during the day, even if I DID go for lunch...
But I was told specifically *by this friend* that I should manage my expectations better, and isn't expecting to be able to do the laundry, drop the kids, get to lunch, enjoy lunch, pick up the kids, and then have company for dinner just a *little* crazy if I have had no sleep?
And isn't that rather a negative ESFP shadow kind of thing to do? *"acting very impulsively, perhaps starting off more projects than the INTJ could hope to accomplish"*? HA!
Now I'm wondering what extreme stress, fatigue or illness I might be facing. I admit that in my childish happiness I disappointed someone important to me. And there's the gnat. And it's been really hot, so maybe heat stress counts? Or could it just be the drain of always being ON? Why did I agree to have company for dinner tonight...well, I didn't...they asked if we were available and I said yes. That means I won't have tomorrow evening free, so should I close the computer and do the laundry...but the shower sounds really good...but maybe I should e-mail the school and see if I can get Boy enrolled in summer camp after all because I just don't have the energy and inspiration to keep him active all summer and if I'm not taking that afternoon class I really *should* tell the sitter I don't need those hours but I could see if the Spanish class was still open because learning Spanish might help in that job search and if I had a job I might not get myself so overextended by helping others, but isn't that one of the reasons I'm interested in mortuary sciences...to help others in times of chaos and loss? And I really *should* go up into the attic now, while it is cool(er), and see what baby boy clothes I have to offer to another friend in need and I wonder what ShadoKnight did with his daughter's 5T cast-offs and I need to remember to call him about the camping trip this weekend...
Damn it...I'm TIRED! Please...please, can I have the oblivion of sleep???
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Complications of my mind
More than two years ago, Chef_Lecter asked if I was looking to re-experience my rape...if that was a part of what I was looking for. The question was horrific to me. I vehemently denied any part of that fantasy. Yet, the question has lingered in the back of my mind all of this time.
Last night, a chat with ShadoKnight reminded me that I *strive* for the vixen slut...The persona of Pixie is carnal and base. I am the one that drives men wild, satisfies and sates fantasies, enslaves their desire and leaves them wanting more. I am a drug. I inspire possession. I crave it.
I want men to get turned on when they walk by me, to have to turn away and adjust their crotches. I want women to cream their panties at the touch of my skin, the smell of my hair. I want to be the object of desire, up on a pedestal, a truly magical mixture of femininity, nobility, sophistication,...and then I want to be dragged off that pedestal and ravished.
But I don't actually want the sex. I don't want to give up MY pleasure...it isn't about me...it's about YOU....YOUR pleasure and base desire. I *want* you to lose control and *take* me. But...rape is horrific. I don't want that...Do I???
My childhood heroes were Robin Hood and King Arthur. I used to imagine making over the world...convincing the Vatican to ordain me, curing cancer, achieving political stature Camelot-style.
Instead, I find myself a stay-at-home mom in suburbia. If there is any area where I can hope that there is something that sets me apart, that makes me a little bit more than I perceive myself to be, it is in my submissive nature. The dark fantasies, some which I have shared here...the thrill of Beloved's hand cutting off air...Chef_Lecter's undoubtable statement that if I didn't submit, I would be raped.
And that scares me. As a woman, something of a feminist and a good liberal, I should be disturbed to find myself admitted a desire to be objectified, that this is allowing myself to be co-opted into my rapists' victim.
I was nine. I didn't have the knowledge OR the subtle skills of the submissive geisha. That wasn't want those boys wanted from me. In fact, I doubt they wanted ME at all. I was just some hapless victim. They wanted...and took...all of the control, power, and pleasure. They stole that from me...and at some core level, taught me to *want* that.
I find myself tangled up in the emotional aftermath. I envy women I know who orgasm without a care. I cannot imagine what that is like, and I actively sabotage my lovers' attempts to draw me there.
Without restraints, without force, without that exchange, receiving is challenging. It isn't dramatic...except when I am surprised by a forced orgasm that triggers all sorts of revolutions and fears. But I'm supposed to *want* that orgasm...so do I want all that baggage too?
Back in the 90s, the preview of The General's Daughter had a quote that I've remembered because it cut so close to home: What's worse than rape?
For years, I have been struggling with the dichotomy of desire and fear. I think I have arrived at an honest answer.
I do not want to relive my childhood experience.
I want to inspire what was lacking when I was nine years old. I want something with my lover that is powerful and demanding and fulfilling. I want to be something so far above "hapless victim" that my lover cannot dream of anything better than me. I want them to know ME in entirety. To forgive me for being insecure. To terrorize me. To permit me to surrender my fear to them, that I might reclaim control and power and pleasure that is rightfully mine.
Last night, a chat with ShadoKnight reminded me that I *strive* for the vixen slut...The persona of Pixie is carnal and base. I am the one that drives men wild, satisfies and sates fantasies, enslaves their desire and leaves them wanting more. I am a drug. I inspire possession. I crave it.
I want men to get turned on when they walk by me, to have to turn away and adjust their crotches. I want women to cream their panties at the touch of my skin, the smell of my hair. I want to be the object of desire, up on a pedestal, a truly magical mixture of femininity, nobility, sophistication,...and then I want to be dragged off that pedestal and ravished.
But I don't actually want the sex. I don't want to give up MY pleasure...it isn't about me...it's about YOU....YOUR pleasure and base desire. I *want* you to lose control and *take* me. But...rape is horrific. I don't want that...Do I???
My childhood heroes were Robin Hood and King Arthur. I used to imagine making over the world...convincing the Vatican to ordain me, curing cancer, achieving political stature Camelot-style.
Instead, I find myself a stay-at-home mom in suburbia. If there is any area where I can hope that there is something that sets me apart, that makes me a little bit more than I perceive myself to be, it is in my submissive nature. The dark fantasies, some which I have shared here...the thrill of Beloved's hand cutting off air...Chef_Lecter's undoubtable statement that if I didn't submit, I would be raped.
And that scares me. As a woman, something of a feminist and a good liberal, I should be disturbed to find myself admitted a desire to be objectified, that this is allowing myself to be co-opted into my rapists' victim.
I was nine. I didn't have the knowledge OR the subtle skills of the submissive geisha. That wasn't want those boys wanted from me. In fact, I doubt they wanted ME at all. I was just some hapless victim. They wanted...and took...all of the control, power, and pleasure. They stole that from me...and at some core level, taught me to *want* that.
I find myself tangled up in the emotional aftermath. I envy women I know who orgasm without a care. I cannot imagine what that is like, and I actively sabotage my lovers' attempts to draw me there.
Without restraints, without force, without that exchange, receiving is challenging. It isn't dramatic...except when I am surprised by a forced orgasm that triggers all sorts of revolutions and fears. But I'm supposed to *want* that orgasm...so do I want all that baggage too?
Back in the 90s, the preview of The General's Daughter had a quote that I've remembered because it cut so close to home: What's worse than rape?
For years, I have been struggling with the dichotomy of desire and fear. I think I have arrived at an honest answer.
I do not want to relive my childhood experience.
I want to inspire what was lacking when I was nine years old. I want something with my lover that is powerful and demanding and fulfilling. I want to be something so far above "hapless victim" that my lover cannot dream of anything better than me. I want them to know ME in entirety. To forgive me for being insecure. To terrorize me. To permit me to surrender my fear to them, that I might reclaim control and power and pleasure that is rightfully mine.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Every Day...Amazing
Day 30 - May 30
I made it though the 30-Day challenge! “everyday for 30 days… write something kind about yourself.. something that you like about yourself… that has nothing to do with your outer shell.”
My thirty days are posted, beginning on May 1, but my summary is that I am amazing!
I am a gardener, a lover, an accountant. I am real and I am magical. I am a servant and a cook. I am a mother. I am strong and considerate, thrifty and organized. I have weaknesses and I am educated. I am beautiful, open-minded and clever. I loyal and I am blessed. I can make it through miserable days. I create connections and negotiate compromises. I am charismatic, empathetic, and a leader. I am 35 years old and crowing about the fact. I am patient and determined. I am a partner. **I AM AMAZING!**
I made it though the 30-Day challenge! “everyday for 30 days… write something kind about yourself.. something that you like about yourself… that has nothing to do with your outer shell.”
My thirty days are posted, beginning on May 1, but my summary is that I am amazing!
I am a gardener, a lover, an accountant. I am real and I am magical. I am a servant and a cook. I am a mother. I am strong and considerate, thrifty and organized. I have weaknesses and I am educated. I am beautiful, open-minded and clever. I loyal and I am blessed. I can make it through miserable days. I create connections and negotiate compromises. I am charismatic, empathetic, and a leader. I am 35 years old and crowing about the fact. I am patient and determined. I am a partner. **I AM AMAZING!**
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Every Day...Partner
Day 29 - May 29
For my birthday, Rain and AM gave me a card that read:
"You're not exactly high maintenance. Most of the time, it's not that much about you."
The thing is, I don't want it to be ALL about others, either. I am definitely aware that I need and deserve recognition for my efforts and contributions. In that way, I am a partner.
I share what I have, and as Jethro says, “When all you’ve got is nothing, there’s a lot to go around.” I think that is part of the gift of polyamory in my life. I am partnered with many people in many ways, and we all share what we have...time, energy, support, expertise, love.
*soft smile* I hope that you know I give as good as I get, and vice versa. That is what it means to be my partner.
For my birthday, Rain and AM gave me a card that read:
The thing is, I don't want it to be ALL about others, either. I am definitely aware that I need and deserve recognition for my efforts and contributions. In that way, I am a partner.
I share what I have, and as Jethro says, “When all you’ve got is nothing, there’s a lot to go around.” I think that is part of the gift of polyamory in my life. I am partnered with many people in many ways, and we all share what we have...time, energy, support, expertise, love.
*soft smile* I hope that you know I give as good as I get, and vice versa. That is what it means to be my partner.
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