*sigh* yup. I'm stuck again, and it's only been a fricken week! How do you like that?
Let's see...updates. Tuesday, September 30th, Beloved and Halder hosted a Dominants Only Meeting (DOM as I call it). Mylie and I worked for several hours to get the house in order and I made a big dinner for the gathering of 11. Me being me, it wasn't perfect, I didn't get everything done that I had hoped, blah blah blah...Everyone else said it was all fabulous, including Dominants I've never met. *grimaces* Why why why can't I accept that? What will it take for me to really believe that I've done a good job? It HURTS inside...I'm never going to be enough, no matter what anyone says...
Regardless of that little tangent, the DOM was successful enough that they want to meet again, perhaps for demonstrations and hands-on experiences. There's interest in having submissives attend, too, and...Suddenly I feel like there are 11 Dominants asking *me* to organize something that I have no control over. How can I keep the DOM an open group, limited to 20 or less, and have submissives present? If each of the original attending Dominants bring one submissive, that's already 22 people... Then I start worrying about food and directing other submissives and I want to throw my hands up and run away screaming....
Oh...right. Another tangent. heh. Sorry about that. Back to the updates.
On Thursday, Beloved, Halder, and I played Lunar Rails. As a joke, I said we should wager because I was going to win. The guys accepted (my heart's desire was for Photoshop to be installed on my computer) and I trounced them. (Beloved laughed and said if he'd known how important Photoshop was to me, all I had to do was ask.) I felt guilty about it, and said something to the effect of, Would it be better if I got naked? Beloved said EVERYTHING is better when I'm naked, so in total jest, I stripped in the kitchen. Halder was in the next room (no doors) and had started to work on my computer. I'd sort of intended to make Beloved blush and laugh and pull my clothes on again.
Before I knew what was going on, Beloved had me leaning on the counter, back arched, and he was spanking me. It was a scene. Inside, I struggled something fierce! It was the first time since Cole that we'd scened with anyone present. It was the first time in over a month that we'd scened at all. It wasn't planned, it wasn't something I was ready for...I'm not even sure it was...IS...something I liked.
After the spanking, Beloved shooed me upstairs and fucked me hard. I did enjoy that very much, thank you, although the begging and fighting felt very forced on my side. It wasn't something *I* would have done, but I felt it was expected. *frowns*
Afterwards, I got up to thank Halder for working on my computer, and Beloved scolded me for not calling him "Sir", making me go back and thank him again properly. I almost never call Halder "Sir" and it was very awkward to knock on his door and explain that I had to thank him again...
I crawled into bed next to Beloved, who had turned off the lights and was under the blankets, ready for sleep. I rolled over to put on some chapstick and got scolded for not asking...that I should check to make sure Beloved was done with my lips before applying goop. I apologized and got scolded for calling Beloved "Sir" (I'm not "Sir" to you...I'm Beloved or I'm Master.). I wanted to cry. Instead I spent a restless couple of hours warring with what had happened. Was the scene over, or would the high protocol continue in the morning? What was expected? Was everything changing on me again???
I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that I am a service submissive, that I don't have to compete with submissives online who post bruised up pictures because that's not where my submission lies. *soft sigh* Now, I'm confused again.
I think I hate my submission.
I've thought about it for an hour (yeah, it's now 4 am...WTF) and it's not that I hate my submission. It's that I want someone to turn off my brain and just tell me what to do. I don't want to fight it, I don't want to feel like I'm not doing it well enough, I just want to BE. Just for a few moments, I want to float on the top of the water and not struggle against the current. I want to submit.
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