Drawing to conclusions

Last night, Beloved and I attended Mistress Thorny Rose's play party gala. MTR's dungeon is incredible! Two walls were lined with floggers, ranging from natural horsehair to leather to rubber to chain. She had four craft storage dressers carefully labeled and sorted for smaller toys, and two large garbage cans were used to store the thumpy things. There were eight installations, including a suspension rig that they had modified the ceiling for. I was impressed and a little overwhelmed.

There were eight or ten D/s couples, all of whom were heavily into the SM portion of bdsm. Nearly everyone was a heavy chain-smoker, too, and that was hard to take. There was a lot of friendly banter and teasing, but I felt incredibly out of place. I got Beloved drinks and rubbed his feet, but there really wasn't any SERVICE I could provide. He gave me an incredible backrub (thank you thank you thank you) and had me preen for another Dom, but other than that, the teases went no where.

There were two scenes in the dungeon before some needle play was started... *frowns* I don't get it. It certainly didn't gross me out, but it wasn't erotic to me either. Master J put twenty needles into the girl's breasts, slapped them a bunch, and then pulled them out. The whole scene was maybe forty-five long. *shrug* I guess I lack the appreciation for it.

As that scene was cleaned up, Beloved launched into teasing me again, having me pull up my shirt so he could put some silly clamps on my nips. Due to my not nursing for two days, I was tender but steadfast as he pulled on the clamps and "showed off" a bit for MTR. But that was it. He took the clamps off and turned to watch as Master R launched into a spanking scene with another girl. Beloved had said he wanted to see j naked, so I wandered off in search of something to do, feeling let down and lost.

In the kitchen, I found the sink full of dishes, and I started washing. It was SOMETHING I could do to be helpful and submissive. Two of the other submissives came over and said "oh sweetie, you don't have to do that" and I felt like I was treading on toes, but I said I really didn't mind at all and they left me to the few plates left. I wandered in and checked with Beloved, but when he mentioned to MTR that we needed to bow out, MTR pouted and asked if we couldn't stay another 15-20 minutes longer so she could finish the scene she was about to begin. Beloved graciously said of course we could, and I felt myself slipping.

I hung on him for a few minutes as he talked to MTR's switch-boy, but there was nothing for me there. I retreated to a corner, trying to gain my focus and balance. When another sub asked if I was okay, I lost it. Beloved found mein the corner, head bowed, tears coursing down my face. I felt worthless, embarassed, and all I wanted to do was run!

Beloved talked me down for a little while, and then MTR came and talked to us both, reassuring me that I was among friends, that sometimes things got a little freaky (was NOT the problem and I tried to reassure her I wasn't that squimish), and that it was all about being who we ARE.... I managed to explain that I simply felt out of place and that I hadn't had any service to offer, and she smiled, saying maybe next time she'd make sure there was something for me to do.

Beloved talked to me for another twenty minutes or so in the car, making sure I really was okay, before we set off for home. We got in about midnight and showered together. Coming back to the bedroom, Beloved laid me down and make love to me, warm and passionate. We slept cuddled up next to each other all night.

Despite how the party ended for us, I'm kinda glad we went. I am very sure that I do not have a place among the SM-ers. Sensual and service submission are really where I flourish. I can TAKE a beating...it might even be something I beg for from time to time...but that's just not the lifestyle I am comfortable with. Luckily for me, it doesn't seem to be where Beloved wants to put his focus either.

What does that mean for "Learning complaisance"? I'm not sure. I know I am still learning and so I will continue to use this space for my thoughts and triumphs and tears, but I don't know that many folks will find it INTERESTING. *shrug* I guess that's not my problem, though. So long as Beloved is content, I need to let go of my worries about anyone else...