Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child
~ Jars of Clay, "Faith Like A Child"


Beloved is facing a promotion at work. Not a small promotion, either. We're talking VP here. This is serious WOW material. I am proud of him, but I'm not surprised by this possibility; he has proven himself over and over to the upper management that he has faith in the business model, is proactive in dealing with ideas and problems, and capable of representing the company at the national level.

Tonight, he is working up a proposal for how he would like to approach the division as well as what resources he needs/wants to accomplish specific goals.

After getting Boy set up with (another) Diego video, I made tea and sat at the end of the table. Yes, I was moping, but I was a little surprised when Beloved asked if I was resentful.

*shakes head* No, I'm not resentful. I'm care-worn and I'm tired. Besides the pregnancy stuff, Boy has been SICK for the last couple of days. I was forced to cancel my acupuncture appointment this week because of Boy being so sick. I haven't had a full night of sleep in a couple of weeks. I feel guilty because there have been offers of help, but they come in the form of "How can I help?"

I want to cry. I don't want to dictate or direct, I just want someone else to DO what needs doing. I feel like a ball of whining brattiness that is waiting for the excuse to explode, and I really really don't want fall down that path.

Instead, I'm hunkering down inside myself for protection, focusing on what I CAN control. I've gotten 13 loads of laundry washed in the last two days and Beloved helped me fold it last night. I scrubbed the kitchen and the floors today, and was rewarded with an impromptu WOW, the place looks great! when Beloved walked in. I got Boy's room picked up and I've sorted out another couple of book shelves.

This might be enough, if I didn't feel like there was an endless stream of people I need to answer to. There are some very specific people I have not gotten back to. I'll admit that at this point I'm partly hiding out of embarrassment because it's been too long, and I hope you can forgive my negligence.

This is a quiet weekend (believe it or not!) and NOTHING is scheduled. I'm hoping Boy will be 100% and won't be clinging to me or Beloved every waking moment. I'm hoping that a little bit of solitude and faith will restore me and I'll be back to being ME soon.