a year...and what have I learned?

Wednesday will mark exactly one year since I started this blog. Re-reading that first entry, I don't feel like I am any closer to learning complaisance. Not really. I still struggle with how to balance responsibility with service. I haven't found a comfortable name or a title that really fits. I've looked at many other BDSM, D/s and M/s relationships and found nothing that really reflects what Beloved and I have. I've found more questions, more heartache, more agony, more confusion...

*sigh*

Part of my agony has been about my collar. We are looking at a C-section, which will mean all jewelry has to come off...and the only way to take my collar off is to cut it. Maybe this is silly, but it's been keeping me wake.

Last night, cuddled on Beloved's chest, I asked him if it was okay if I were "just his devoted wife, lover, and friend and if it mattered that I haven't called you 'Master' in a long while"? He just ran his fingers through my hair and said that I'll always be his devoted wife, lover, and friend. I asked if it matttered then if the sting about my neck was cut, because it wasn't a collar...just a string. That the KEY was the important piece...

"My love, the key isn't important, either. It's just a symbol. You will always be key to my happiness."

Maybe that's the lesson reflected here. That the last year hasn't been about how brutal a beating I can take, or how humbled I can be, how kinky I can be, or how far into subspace someone can fling me... I'm not some label. I'm not an object or a slave or a servant. I'm not the sum of the chores I manage to accomplish or the comforts I offer.

The last year has not taught me complaisance at all. But maybe, just maybe, I am a little closer to accepting that I am loved and cherished simply for being me.