In the last four months, I've had four different men other than Beloved straight out and ask if I'd be interested in playing with them. I've also had three different women hint that they'd love to go exploring with me. The offers have varied, from pure service to hardcore bdsm, from poly-inclined to a pure scene.
I pursued one of the middling offers and while it was wonderful and fun and intense, my stupid hyperemesis got in the way...
I had a conversation today that brought up the question of my submission. (No, dearling, I didn't take it as an attack...but it does refresh the agony of the question.)
"I wonder about it sometimes. Specially your submission. I'm not sure you get real satisfaction from it. You're good at it, skilled. But I'm not sure you crackle in subspace like some people do."
pixie_mschf: "I found subspace once or twice..."
"Yes, but I don't think it's your place. I always feel like you were playing for me....which is different from submission."
So, where does that leave me? Am I not submissive? Can one be "skilled" in submission without being submissive? Am I merely a kink-friendly poly girl? What about the service aspect? Does the zoning out when I'm truly focused on SERVICE count as subspace? Does subspace really exist, or do all the subs who fall in and out of "subspace" just fake it they way I've been known fake a convincing orgasm?
I hate labels. Does it matter if I'm "bisexual" "queer" "heteroflexible" "pansexual" "fluctuating/evolving"? What about being a "submissive" "slave" "pet" "bottom"?
I've changed my "role" to "Not Applicable". You wanna know why? Because it doesn't fricken matter.
I am ME...I am Pixie Mischief. I am in a wonderful and evolving relationship with the rest of the world, and for better or for worse, no label is going to change that.
I am just now catching back up with everyone...But congrates on the baby! Remember to take care of your self first and for most. The rest will follow suit.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, I hope it all goes well.
PUP
Eew, labels, yuckyuckyuck. Labels are for telling other people about yourself, roughly. Never for telling ourselves what we are. Especially labels like "bisexual": so much about potential, not about what you are but what you can or what you might. It doesn't mean you're attracted to someone; it doesn't mean you're in the mood now; it doesn't mean you have to be 50/50 between the sexes in your desires.
ReplyDeleteGood luck: just knowing labels are bad juju doesn't actually protect you from them. I know.