Dreaded Lists

I've been mulling over the question from last post..."Why do I struggle in the bonds I asked for?"...for about 14 hours now. *laughs* A lot of time, right? But a few things come to mind:

1) It isn't just about me.
Being parents of young children puts a strain on couples everywhere. Quite simply, the kids drain a lot of energy and focus out of me and Beloved. It's one thing to be able to multi-task, but as parents, we are struggling with multi-tasking ALL THE TIME. It's exhausting and we both struggle with it. Last weekend, we had a spat that made it pretty clear that we are both feeling dumped on. How much of that is because we are trying to hoist a perceived burden off the other's shoulders, and instead we are only succeeding in dragging the weight?

2) I don't have a clear understanding of what I want.
As a result, when I am given "down-time" that I am so desperate for, I don't have a focus. I end up escaping into video valium or something equally wasteful. I need to sit and give some serious thought to what I want to DO with my life.

3) I need to live by design, not by default.
That is, merely making up lists of things that need doing...like "Remember the Milk" or chores lists...isn't going to help much. I get caught up in the enthusiasm of crossing tasks off the to-do lists, and I disconnect from the knowingness that life is not about living by a to-do list, or ‘Getting Things Done’. I speed through the list of tasks and feel productive during the day, but when at night, I am tired and unfulfilled. I focus on doing more and staying busy, instead of generating results that matter to me. Thus, I am always struggling with self-worth and looking for external measures that aren't reliable.

Some big bites to chew on, huh? I think so.

Beloved's apparently also been mulling over the situation. Part of his answer came in a request: I want you to relinquish *responsibility* for the children. From 6-8pm they are not your responsibility. Accept that I will ask for help if I need it. This is going to be difficult, but shifting your frame of mind when I get home might allow you to focus.

*deep breath* Okay...I'm working that over in my head. The IMMEDIATE thought is "list of chores, lists of to-dos", but that gets back to my #3. So...what? How do I design my life so that it is purposeful, meaningful, and graceful?