This is a rant entry. Grab your salt-shaker.
I don't DO mornings. Really, not my thing. Maybe once upon a time they were...I remember enjoying my 8am classes in college and teasing my friends about being lazy...but that was also back when I relied on afternoon naps and sleeping through the weekend. Now? Not so much.
(Which is part of my IMMEDIATE problem: it is not yet 8am, Girl is screaming at me, and I've been "abandoned" by Beloved who has work. I've gulped two cups of coffee, and I'm praying I can get through the rest of the day despite already feeling wound up tight.)
After Boy was whisked off to school and Girl started demanding, I said something like, "Looks like it's gonna be a hard day...Run away!" to Beloved, who gave me a sad smile and said he'd trade me...be the stay-at-home dad and let me deal with office BS.
(Which is another part of the problem...neither one of us are at all happy with the current stations in life, but we feel completely trapped. We live hand-to-mouth on his paychecks and childcare is so expensive that it's financially better if I stay home...)
Beloved commented that at least I have some authority over the people I'm supposed to be managing.
(Which soooooo isn't true. Sure, I can enforce time-outs, give spankings, walk away, but the emotional cost of enforcing my authority is steep! Add to that, if we are in public, there is the public judge: "Oh my god, why can't she shut her kids up...control her kids...leave the kids at home...etc.?")
I suggested Beloved hand my resume off to his headhunter people. I don't know how those things work, but I've had lame luck job-hunting on my own and insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. That got us started on the old talk of "what do you want to do?" and "what are your goals for working outside the house?" and choices, choices, choices.
(Which is another part of the problem...I'm grateful for the choices...I'm very, very lucky to have so many choices. The problem is that I accepted the social brainwashing that as a modern woman, I'm supposed to "do it all", and that's an expectation, not a CHOICE. Hold a career, have smart, well-mannered kids, a clean house, healthy dinners on the table every night, and homemade costumes, cupcakes, etc. The expectations are insane. Seeing my sister and cousin at Easter brunch, both who have new babies, who are working full-time and claim to love motherhood and get all dewy-eyed looking at their babies made me recoil and feel sick inside. What does it say about ME if motherhood doesn't entirely fulfill me?)
I almost kicked Beloved out the door. I felt judged as he watched my interactions with Girl, as he told me how I should customize my resume for every job I'm interested in, as he explained that if all I wanted was to get away from the house then what I was looking for was a tolerable position rather than being picky.
(Which I chafe at...my current working conditions are substandard. I have no sick days or vacation days, and the ones that I do secure, I feel riddled with guilt because I'm asking Beloved to give up HIS time so that I can have time or because I'm saddling someone else with my kids or because I'm so desperate that I actually PAY someone to take my kids for an hour. On top of that, my job "reviews" are offered up several times a day by little bosses who tell me I'm a "mean Mommma" and "I hate you" because I limit the candy, television, toy purchases, etc. Being told that all I'm looking for is a tolerable position hurts...mostly because it says that means motherhood is intolerable and what does that say about me...?)
When Beloved called five minutes later, beginning with, "I don't know why I didn't think of this before!" *sigh* He sounded so excited, so pleased to have come up with a solution, and I was a bitch. "You're trying to FIX it, and I can't deal with that right now." *winces* Yeah. But I can't. It's not even 8am, Girl is screaming, and I'm riddled with guilt for wanting to hide from all the choices and pressure. I've had all the choices in the world, so if I'm not happy with my life it is my own damn fault, right? Just go the fuck away, world!
*sigh*
Yup, it's a Monday...
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