Core Value: INDEPENDENCE

Last night, Beloved pulled out a letter that I wrote August 19th, 2011, a letter roiling in depression and dependency. I wasn't accomplishing anything and only barely getting through the day. I was miserable, Beloved was miserable. I was in a major depression. I had lost/given up on several things that I genuinely take pride and pleasure in. I was mired my stay-at-home life, struggling and suffocating in the dependence the last five years produced, feeling like I was unable to break out.

Nothing lasts forever, though. I did break the cycle. I lost some weight. It took nearly a year, but I found a counselor that I am comfortable working with. I have been digging in deep, cutting ties, and making changes.

After reading last year's letter aloud, Beloved and I talked a little about it and about changes I've been working on. Beloved commented, In some ways, I think I was more comfortable a year ago..."Comfortable" doesn't mean "healthy", but I think I was more comfortable. That stings. Oh lordy does that sting!

I've been meaning to get back to the values work, but I haven't had much time to really delve into the concepts. I'm not sure I understand what I am looking at...for...

Core values are traits or qualities that you consider not just worthwhile, they represent an individual's or organization's highest priorities, deeply held beliefs, and core, fundamental driving forces...Core values are made accessible by translating them into value statements. Value statements are grounded in values and define how people want to behave...

Peering back at my "happiness" statements and considering my letter a year ago, the one value that jumps at me is independence. I am happiest working in my garden or working behind the scenes. I crave the quiet solitude of natural settings. I long to be independent, both accomplishing things for myself and unfettered by demands from others. To be able to finish a single thought without being interrupted.

I don't think that this is an absolute by any stretch of the imagination. I like bringing people together and I need intimate relationships as well, but even within those situations, *I* prefer to function independently of others.

Exploring this concept, I also see shivers of panic when people around me aren't being independent. In the last six months, I have been rather exacting of such relationships. Curbing my relationship with Shado, ending my relationship with Sir. I have even talked about leaving Beloved; his constant offer to "manage" or "rescue" me ultimately cost self-esteem and confidence. Bring Boy and Girl into the picture, and there is a perfect storm developing, because babes-in-arms are the ultimate in dependence. All I want to do is shed my skin and fly away.

But in most cases, I can't. So, I am doing this work here. BleuAme said "the true work is to know yourself", and it is slow, hard, painful work. Sometimes, I want to DO scream at the interruptions. Sometimes, time gets away from me...I have been working on these thoughts for three weeks! Sometimes, I withdraw, and well-meaning friends ask over and over if I'm okay and I falter, questioning if I *really* need to do this if so many people are uncomfortable.

At the same time, there is little doubt that *in my head*, things are getting better. I feel more emotionally balanced, although that is perhaps lower or quieter than people are used to. I am demanding that the boundaries I set be respected. I am trying to manage my own affairs while being true to my mission and accountable to my family and friends. It is a balance that is tenuous at times.

On the outside, both Boy and Girl are growing up and discovering their own independence (it's wonderful, and I am cheering at every milestone we reach). I am working on communications with Beloved, how express our core values without smothering or shutting each other out. I have an assignment with the forest preserve that has potential for proprietary responsibilities. I am sorting through classes for the fall. I am striving for my Lioness, my cougar, my independence.