Yeah...No.

I'm not in a good spot. I haven't been in a good spot all week, although I have been trying really hard to muddle through. I feel like I am slogging though mud to do ANYTHING.

The list of what's "wrong" is the usual vague crap. My weight has been pretty high lately. It seems that everyone around me is losing weight while I can't motivate myself to do the laundry, let alone work out. I feel horribly fat and bloated and my back and wrist add to the discomfort. The worst part is my clothes aren't being comfortable, which says that it's not *just* in my head.

Beloved has been awesome about staying on top of the general pick-up with the kids. A lot of other chores have slid off the radar, though. I spent several hours this morning doing yardwork...there's three full waste bags and materials for another two easy. I *should* feel good about getting that done, and I don't. There's no sense of satisfaction.

I have been staring at my room for over a week, trying to figure out how to re-arrange it. Instead of inspiration, the laundry catches my attention, which fires the guilty accusations that I don't do enough around the house and I can't handle that right now so instead of doing anything I pick up a book because I am trying to avoid my computer...

blech.

What *happened*??? I thought I was doing well. I thought I was breaking through and having incredible, life-changing self-discoveries. I though at least I was managing my moods. Why did everything fall apart?

I think it started last week...I took Boy and Girl up to the family cabin Thursday night. The drive as fine, I got everyone situated and the car unpacked, but then I could not get to sleep. I was up until 4am, and the kids were super-excited and got up at 6:30. I was in a surly mood a good part of the weekend and I haven't shaken it since getting home. Even the nearly 10 hours of sleep a night hasn't been much help.

My moontime started with a slight pink-ish show Monday that was actual blood by Wednesday. Three months later, ablation has definitely improved the blood-loss. While that should be a relief, there is the nagging irritation that I have a moon at all.

I have had very little down-time with the kids. Boy is done with camp, and being true siblings, they have been needling each other constantly until it seem I am screaming all the time. Even Beloved has lost his patience with them a few times in the evenings, and HE is the most even-keeled person I know! Of course today at my counseling session, they were absolute angels during the appointment and my therapist points and says I must be doing something right. Fills my heart with hope, only to have to pull the car over on the 15-minute ride home to scold them about hitting each other. ARRRRGH!

The icing is Beloved talking about GenCon next week. I do not harbor bitter feelings about his vacation time as much as I simply dread being without his steadying nature. I had loose plans, but I haven't tried to confirm them and in my current mood I am not likely to. Double-edged blade...if I haven't heard from them, possibly-probably the invitation was more politeness than truly meant. Gotta love that internal dialogue.

So...I guess that's what happened. A couple of my triggers met up and decided to have a field day. I'm tired. I hurt, physically and mentally. More than anything, I want to escape from myself. Unfortunately, whereever you go, there you are.