All of the above?
I feel like I have botched a number of recent conversations with people. Nothing serious, at least I don't think there's any major fallout, but maybe some hurt feelings or disappointments. I don't know.
I've been talking about Big Work for a while, so I had to restrain a laugh when my therapist said that was what she'd like to start into. She agrees that I have dysthymia, but believes that it stems from primary PTSD. It isn't just the points that are obvious, either. She wants to go digging into early childhood experiences and situations that I had mostly discounted. It wasn't until I was eight that things got hard, right?
Maybe not. Maybe it was as early as two, when my sister was born with both ventricular and atrial septal defects. A desperately sick baby who had lots of doctor appointments and hospital stays means that I wasn't with my mom...I was taken care of and loved, but I didn't have any one caretaker consistently enough to form a "secure base" for attachment. I found an interesting paper on the subject, but I haven't digested the whole article.
Such talk in therapy has lead to other discussions. Why does "tough love" seem so easy for me? Do the relationships that I drop not mean as much to me as they do to the other person? Am I emotionally independent to the point of being unhealthy?
*wry smile* If that were true, I doubt my family would label me fragile, but I don't know. I can't tell if it's fear or loneliness, but I am feeling something painful and it all makes my head hurt and I want to curl up and hide.
Anyhow...between all of this and the last week of summer vacation (oh my god! I made it and no one is dead!!!), I've been too busy to put it all into words. Even this is rough and took three sittings to write out. Ah well...school starts soon!
(PS - the kids' school, not mine...my classes were cancelled due to low enrollment. *shrug* The Universe seems a little determined to keep me home a while longer.)
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