Christian Rock

I don't consider myself religious or even particularly Christian. I was raised Roman Catholic, but too many scolding by nuns and priests tarnished my faith in the Church. I have struck my own beliefs and agreements with God-The Universe-Someone Upstairs, and we are good with that.

Every once in a while, though, I get the urge to turn on the Christian Rock station. Part of me just likes the songs because I can actually HEAR the lyrics...they have a message and they are very careful to make sure it isn't dimmed by the music. Part of me just likes the message. Not the "Oh God, I love You so" stuff as much as the ones that speak of grace and submission and strength.

Tonight, two songs caught my ear, each for different reasons.




Earlier in the day, he messaged me in response to a comment I'd left on Fet.

I wish I wish I wish
I don't understand depression. I wish I knew how to help. Help you, help our friends, etc
It's really hard...
anyhow, I love you

Through the years that we have been together, he as stayed...and fought!...to stay with me. The dark depressions, the daily battles with dysthymia, the insane highs and the spectacular crashes...he has stayed through it all. There isn't a day that I am not grateful! Even in the worst moments, I trust him.

I liked this song, but at the same time, I am frustrated by it. It isn't Beloved's job to LEAD me. We tried the D/s, and it just wasn't a good fit. I consider my feelings about God and it is very similar. I am not one to be LED.

I do, however, need support, encouragement, and occasionally a brace. Like a pole in a tipi, we lean against each other and are strong. Together, we can weather the storms and find shelter.

There are plenty of days that I do lean heavily on him, though. I played this for Beloved, and we both had tears in our eyes. I know that I have responsibility for my own life, my own happiness...and yet...I need him. I have faith because he has taught me to believe. Always and forever.


The second song I found looking for the first one.



"Those damaged goods you see in your reflection, Love sees them differently; Love sees perfection...You're not the worthless they made you feel...And you don't have to stay the broken girl."

I know this...have known it for years and years. A few years ago I wrote a story titled The Journey Down. It's a brutal whipping scene that ends with

I know this exchange will not end here, that the strips on my back will last for the next week, the scars for longer. It is the map of my journey, of my acceptance, of my release. I am free at last.

*sigh* How many tears does it take? Am I choosing to stay broken? Am I broken for reasons other than...deeper than? It's very confusing to me, just want do I need to forgive, and whom.

Just keep at it...every step, every day. Breathe and trust. Have faith.