I laid out my frustrations from the last blog post...that so much had been done and gone well, but I was on a downswing and slipping into negativity. My therapist loved the Swahili example and agreed that the lessons I SEE are indeed the ones I need to work on. The thing that I found interesting was that she did know at least one place that it all stemmed from.
I took on so much responsibility in my childhood. Part of my adaptation was a pick-and-choose because at 8, 9, 14 I couldn't do it all. It was part of accepting my own limitations. It wasn't that there were white-glove tests or strict expectations, but I recalled a bitter fight I had with my mother when I was 12 or 13 years old
She had just come home from the hospital. The house wasn't up to par, but I don't remember what the exact issue was. All I remember was feeling indignant that I was being judged for the state of the house. I screamed at her, "Maybe you should just go back to the hospital where it stinks of clean!"
Sharing this with my therapist, tears started rolling down my cheeks.
Triggers of not being good enough, of my
Years later, at the age of 18 when I gave up and moved into Beloved's bedroom, the relative order of my family's house fell apart. There were roaches, moldy food, and neglect. I remember visiting and being filled with despair. I knew then and I know now that I couldn't fix it and I couldn't own it. They had to figure it out, and if they had to do it the hard way...*sigh*
Beloved reached that point a couple of times with my own depression. It was...is so extremely essential that he know he cannot rescue me from it. I have to do it myself, and sometimes...a lot of times...I choose the hard way.
The triggers are complicated, though. My child-self embraces all of the fun; the parties, the cooking, the playing hard. My adult-self shoulders the responsibilities of keeping up with chores, bills, obligations. When the child-self is thwarted by the adult-self, there is a rebellion. I have been doing the housekeeping, childrearing, and adult life since I was 8, 9, 14 years old! No wonder I hit burnout so often.
The problem still comes back to managing expectations, though. My struggle is finding a balance in the chaos. I know all of this is in my head and in my heart. No one else is pointing out the crayon on the wall or the basket of crap that needs to find a home...*I* am the one with that forefront in my mind. So how do I see it, acknowledge it, and not get frozen by it?
I'm not sure. From where I am sitting right now, I can see a number of things that need attention:
clothes on the floor have been folded, but need to go upstairs and be put away
Girl left her lunch box on the coffee table and that needs to be cleaned up
the plants need water
the chairs need to be recovered now that the covers have been washed
my library books should go upstairs
minor MINOR pick-up of a few toys scattered around (seriously, 6 things!)
table cloth on the pool table needs to be washed
basket of non-perishables needs to go to the food bank
basket of miscellaneous trash from the attic goes out
electrical cords need to be returned to the garage
LOOK AT THAT LIST! I can knock it all out in an hour. But so much of it has just sat for days, nagging me and accusing me of laziness, of failure. It collects, grows, multiplies until I am crippled by it. And just as I think, "Okay, I can do this!", I get interrupted by something or someone. My attention wanders, and the task goes undone...
Round and round and round...
Is it true? I think there is a key here. It is true that there are regular chores that come with living in a household with other people. It is true that being the home adult, my job is to oversee most of it...but to OVERSEE it, not DO it.
Can I know it is absolutely true? I have talked with Beloved about expectations, and yes, I do need to pull my weight and help guide the kids in their own contributions. No, I do not need to do it ALL all by myself.
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? I get overwhelmed, angry, resentful by the never-ending job list when I try to handle it on my own. I rebel by leaving it undone, hiding, and allowing distractions to rule my life.
Who would you be without the thought? This is where my therapist left me...or our time ran out. Who am I if I can accept the limitations? If I don't own it ALL, but I make the contributions to the team, is that enough?
I am going to try to recognize the things that nag me and freeze me. I'm also going to try to document the activities and distractions. Maybe there is a pattern to what triggers me.
No comments:
Post a Comment