Okay, so here is an outrageously funny phenomenon. Dear sweet Pixie has been asked to do an interview with Penthouse magazine.
*laughs*
No, I'm serious! Author Rachel Kramer Bussel contacted me through one of my online groups. She is writing an article for Penthouse magazine about open relationships and wanted to see if she could interview me about my poly group...who attends, what the protocol is, whether people attend with the intention of meeting new partners, and just generally what it's all about.
My hesitation is three-fold.
1) It's Penthouse. *sigh* I'm wishing it were Playboy since there's at least the joke that people "read the articles" in Playboy...I just don't think Penthouse has much READERship, ya know? Hey, if that floats your boat, fine, but I prefer a little more subtlety in my porn.
2) So much of the media puts poly in a bad light...I don't want to contribute to negative thoughts about what I consider a very positive lifestyle.
3) I feel like...why *me*? I'm just a little fish, I don't know nothing...don't they want someone famous and well-known in the lifestyle???
I think I'm letting it get to my head. heh. Besides the fact that it's a sexy magazine, this has absolutely NOTHING to do with D/s, but I had to share... I'll let you know what happens.
Edit...Monday, about 1 pm on the phone. It's stupid how much I'm laughing about this.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
an aspiration
Last night, Beloved told me to go take a bath, "as hot as you can stand it." Maybe it's a testament of our energy-conservation that I filled the tub without turning the cold tap on at all. Or maybe it was simply that the dishes had been done right beforehand. Whichever. It could have gone hotter....
Relaxing in the bath, he came in and sat down beside me. "So, one of the links on your blogroll is for the young lady who likes to be hurt. (He was referring to Kaya's Under His Hand) What about that appeals to you?"
whoa...weighted question! I had to think about my answer. If I wasn't very clear, I might be signing up for something I really don't want! But it's a hard question because there are so many layers to it. The reason I first started reading her blog was because the day I found it, it was a "Eureka!" kind of post. I don't remember specifically what the topic was, but something about it hit home for me.
Since then, I have been morbidly fascinated with just how much Kaya takes. There are lots of things that I find rather horrifying, but it is a stark reminder to me that it's THEIR kink, it doesn't matter what *I* think about it, my opinions aren't going to change their interests. Thus, it really shouldn't matter what others think about what Beloved and I do...it doesn't (shouldn't) matter what *they* think about it, their opinions aren't going to (shouldn't) change our interests.
I also like the community that has grown up in Kaya's blog. Entire conversations are held in the comment threads. Some of those people have linked to me, which I find incredibly flattering...like maybe, MAYBE I have a clue in the D/s bdsm whateveryouwannacallit world.
I told Beloved all of this, and he nodded. He said that the really cool thing he saw was the blunt, no-holds-barred picture they offer. No dungeon, no secret codes, no muffled language. Kaya writes in a "Here it is, and if you don't like it, Go. Away." style.
No, I'm so not begging for play that results in bloody welts or bruises that last a while. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit without worrying that someone will think I'm an abused wife. At the same time, I do see her as a role model, because she is okay with her kinks and desires and needs. That is an aspiration for me.
Relaxing in the bath, he came in and sat down beside me. "So, one of the links on your blogroll is for the young lady who likes to be hurt. (He was referring to Kaya's Under His Hand) What about that appeals to you?"
whoa...weighted question! I had to think about my answer. If I wasn't very clear, I might be signing up for something I really don't want! But it's a hard question because there are so many layers to it. The reason I first started reading her blog was because the day I found it, it was a "Eureka!" kind of post. I don't remember specifically what the topic was, but something about it hit home for me.
Since then, I have been morbidly fascinated with just how much Kaya takes. There are lots of things that I find rather horrifying, but it is a stark reminder to me that it's THEIR kink, it doesn't matter what *I* think about it, my opinions aren't going to change their interests. Thus, it really shouldn't matter what others think about what Beloved and I do...it doesn't (shouldn't) matter what *they* think about it, their opinions aren't going to (shouldn't) change our interests.
I also like the community that has grown up in Kaya's blog. Entire conversations are held in the comment threads. Some of those people have linked to me, which I find incredibly flattering...like maybe, MAYBE I have a clue in the D/s bdsm whateveryouwannacallit world.
I told Beloved all of this, and he nodded. He said that the really cool thing he saw was the blunt, no-holds-barred picture they offer. No dungeon, no secret codes, no muffled language. Kaya writes in a "Here it is, and if you don't like it, Go. Away." style.
No, I'm so not begging for play that results in bloody welts or bruises that last a while. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit without worrying that someone will think I'm an abused wife. At the same time, I do see her as a role model, because she is okay with her kinks and desires and needs. That is an aspiration for me.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
hard to admit
So many D/s blogs discuss orgasm denial as a training tool, a punishment, something to heighten the experience. I don't get it. To be perfectly honest, I rarely orgasm. Ever.
I actually really enjoy sex and intercourse, crave it most of the time, I just don't cum. It's taken years and years to even broach the subject with Beloved. I was afraid he'd take it personally, that it was his lacking and not mine. I also thought I was oh so very cleaver in hiding the truth. I learned muscle control and can make my pussy "quiver", and combining that with moans and pants and the "typical" orgasm look, I thought I was doing well.
Occasionally, Beloved DOES force me over the edge, and I fly! It's amazing and fulfilling and beyond words! But USUALLY, when I see that edge coming, I deliberately stop myself. I can't help it...it just is instinct to hold on.
I'm not sure when Beloved caught on or how long he's allowed me to think I was fooling him. It's only been in a few dropped comments here and there that I've realized he knows.
You know that sinking, embarrassed, FAILURE feeling? yeah...
I've been trying to understand what happens in my head for a long time and putting it into words is really hard, so if this doesn't make sense, it's still a work in progress.
My introduction to sex...my first time...was at a young age and was violent and involuntary. I didn't tell anyone about it for a decade, so it went largely undigested. Now...? Now, I think that there is some part of me that is afraid of cumming...that by letting go and enjoying sex that much will condone the rapists.
But I like sex. I adore pleasuring my partner. I am often content to forego sexual pleasure...one of our favorite exchanges is his giving a deep, nearly painful backrub while I suckle his cock. I'll give Beloved a blowjob to help him relax before bed and not expect anything in return.
When we do have sex...it feels wonderfully good, but I don't have the amazing release. I very rarely lose myself in the moment. Sometimes I'll see the edge coming, and I'll want it, but just in that realization, I catch myself and refocus, stopping myself from that climax.
And if the focus is me? That's almost torture! There was one morning that Beloved restrained me, blindfolded me, pleasured me...and left for a bit. When he returned, he had HalDer with him. He whispered that he was going to leave me with HalDer...I'll admit I loved it...it was fulfilling a fantasy of being given to another Dom...and being with HalDer, nestling close with him, was really special. But as a receiver? *whimpers* As hard as it is to cum in intercourse, it's much much harder when receiving oral because then it's all about me. When HalDer did release me, I rather insistently "dommed" him into accepting a blowjob. The result was the last part of the morning WASN'T about me...and that made it okay.
I'd like to say that it's my true nature, to put others before myself in sex, to not lose myself in sex, to be ready to fetch a warm cloth to clean up, to not cum... I'd like to say that I have control over this.
But I don't.
The other night, Beloved and I were talking about what happened at the club last time, why I couldn't give in, let go. Beloved said that I am capable of bottling an incredible about of emotional energy, and that he will "chop the mountain down". The D/s play is a part of that. He is offering me freedom, and I'm scared.
I actually really enjoy sex and intercourse, crave it most of the time, I just don't cum. It's taken years and years to even broach the subject with Beloved. I was afraid he'd take it personally, that it was his lacking and not mine. I also thought I was oh so very cleaver in hiding the truth. I learned muscle control and can make my pussy "quiver", and combining that with moans and pants and the "typical" orgasm look, I thought I was doing well.
Occasionally, Beloved DOES force me over the edge, and I fly! It's amazing and fulfilling and beyond words! But USUALLY, when I see that edge coming, I deliberately stop myself. I can't help it...it just is instinct to hold on.
I'm not sure when Beloved caught on or how long he's allowed me to think I was fooling him. It's only been in a few dropped comments here and there that I've realized he knows.
You know that sinking, embarrassed, FAILURE feeling? yeah...
I've been trying to understand what happens in my head for a long time and putting it into words is really hard, so if this doesn't make sense, it's still a work in progress.
My introduction to sex...my first time...was at a young age and was violent and involuntary. I didn't tell anyone about it for a decade, so it went largely undigested. Now...? Now, I think that there is some part of me that is afraid of cumming...that by letting go and enjoying sex that much will condone the rapists.
But I like sex. I adore pleasuring my partner. I am often content to forego sexual pleasure...one of our favorite exchanges is his giving a deep, nearly painful backrub while I suckle his cock. I'll give Beloved a blowjob to help him relax before bed and not expect anything in return.
When we do have sex...it feels wonderfully good, but I don't have the amazing release. I very rarely lose myself in the moment. Sometimes I'll see the edge coming, and I'll want it, but just in that realization, I catch myself and refocus, stopping myself from that climax.
And if the focus is me? That's almost torture! There was one morning that Beloved restrained me, blindfolded me, pleasured me...and left for a bit. When he returned, he had HalDer with him. He whispered that he was going to leave me with HalDer...I'll admit I loved it...it was fulfilling a fantasy of being given to another Dom...and being with HalDer, nestling close with him, was really special. But as a receiver? *whimpers* As hard as it is to cum in intercourse, it's much much harder when receiving oral because then it's all about me. When HalDer did release me, I rather insistently "dommed" him into accepting a blowjob. The result was the last part of the morning WASN'T about me...and that made it okay.
I'd like to say that it's my true nature, to put others before myself in sex, to not lose myself in sex, to be ready to fetch a warm cloth to clean up, to not cum... I'd like to say that I have control over this.
But I don't.
The other night, Beloved and I were talking about what happened at the club last time, why I couldn't give in, let go. Beloved said that I am capable of bottling an incredible about of emotional energy, and that he will "chop the mountain down". The D/s play is a part of that. He is offering me freedom, and I'm scared.
Monday, March 10, 2008
struggling to put it all into words
On Saturday, Beloved and I went to the club. The trip was really the culmination of a month of communication with Sir R and his pet Youko, and I was really anxious about it Saturday morning. So much so that Beloved had to assign me clear, specific tasks twice to keep me from the edge of panic. And I still forgot to pack his tea...
We dropped Boy off with my parents and meandered the zoo with them for a bit. It was a nice distraction and the new buildings at Lincoln Park Zoo are incredible! After about two hours, we were all cold and ready to go...we kissed Boy goodbye and tucked him safe into the carseat in "Grumpy's" car...
The first thing Beloved said to me once we were in the car was
"Put your collar on, girl."
I could feel my stomach drop and bit my lip before pulling my collar out of my pocket and answering with a meek, "Yes Sir."
We stopped at Walgreens and got some tea. Arriving at the club at 5:10, we walked in right before Sir Redwing and Youko did, so we all met at the door. Despite being the primary contact, I was suddenly feeling very shy. We hugged hellos and then I darted off to put our coats away. Beloved sent me to fetch him a drink and then I joined the three of them in the lounge, Youko and me kneeling at our Masters' feet. Beloved and Sir were soon engaged in discussion and Youko and I warmed to each other, asking the first casual questions and then growing more bold about lifestyle preferences and toys.
About five minutes to 6, we went into the presentation room for Lady Di and Leather Matt's discussion on "Foot, Shoe, and Boot Worship – A Primer". Overall, the lecture was 1:45 of disappointment. I have no doubt that the two presenters have a deep and honest fetish for women's boots and *some* of the boot care suggestions were helpful, but overall? Very little on foot fetishes, nothing for the female sub, nothing for raw leather (if it wasn't smooth and shiny forget it...and Beloved's boots are not the patent leather kind). The result was more of a presentation on THEIR likes and then an awkward "demo" of Leather Matt licking Lady Di's boots...
Being seated on the floor in the front row, Youko and I got a very upclose and personal view of a man's ass in a thong and buttless chaps. ummm...well, I know there's a snap between the thong and the cock-pouch now...
Afterwards, the four of us when to a delightful Thai dinner and chuckled about the presentation. No one seemed to have gotten anything from it. oh well. Discussion turned to more personal things...how long has we been together and in M/s, was it 24/7, what were the training routines, etc. By the end of the meal, Youko and I had gotten comfortable and maybe the teeniest bit flippant... Sir Redwing and Beloved ended that with the comment that "We should return to the club and let the girls taste the floggers." It was a very quiet ride back to the club...
I went and changed into my club clothes...a tiny sweater top that barely covered my breasts and was held closed with three buttons at the cleavage, a straight black shirt, garters and stockings, and black boots that came up to my knee and have a 3" heel. I returned to the lounge and made Beloved tea. When he was done, Youko and I were put on leashes and our Masters wandered the club, taking in the four scenes in progress.
I was growing very unsure about the whole situation...it was a busy night at the club, and some VERY out costumes were displayed. Overall, it wasn't at all like the last time Beloved and I played at the club...this time it seemed harsh, blaring, loud. I kept my eyes downcast most of the evening.
Eventually, the smaller, semi-private room was available, and Beloved told me to fetch the toycase. I went immediately, but I was feeling light-headed and schooled my face carefully. This was the first time we had scened with anyone else, and it was a little harder because of that. Youko and I stripped to nothing, and then I was cuffed and ordered over the spanking bench, while Youko was strung up on the suspension bar...
I begged Beloved to squeeze my shoulders, to help me...he smiled and said, "Oh, I can to better than that..." and he proceeded to warm me up with an intense rubdown. Sir Redwing started in with light flogging, and it didn't look toooooo terrible...
Beloved then began to spank me. HARD. I was told to count...Beloved had told me earlier that he was going to spank me until I cried, and more. By 50 hard hand swats, I was sore but just not "there". He switched to the paddle, and that drove cries and yelps from my lips, but tears were precious few. He tried the spiky bath-brush, too, which I didn't know he'd brought. After some spankings with that, I gave in..."What the hell IS that???" Which made everyone laugh...but it was prickly and went squish...*shrug*. Beloved switched back to the spoons.
Through the doorway to my left, I could see a male sub orally pleasuring his mistress, and she was quite loud about her pleasure. It was distracting and I couldn't close her out. Somewhere else in the club a woman was getting some treatment that made her yelp in a loud, high-pitched scream. The serene music of Serenity room was overpowered by the alternative music of the lounge. I was feeling very trapped, very exposed. I felt loathing for the situation, wished it was over, was swearing in my head I'd never, ever come back to the club...
Around 120 swats, Beloved leaned over me, whispering to let it go...but I *couldn't*. He continued. At 190, I was panting and hurting, but still refusing to give in to tears. Beloved told me that on the 200th strike, I was to cry out the number (mostly, the counts had been quiet...) I felt some shame that it had gone so far...that I still hadn't been able to surrender the way Beloved wanted me to. I yelled "200!" at the top of my lungs. The blows continued...210...220...230...241...
Sir Redwing, at that point, offered up the flogger selection. All were hand-made and from what I could see, very nice. Beloved told me I didn't have to count the swings with the floggers and began with a wide-strapped soft leather flogger. It was actually pretty wonderful after the paddle. More like a caress than the whipping I was expecting. At first. The swings got harder...and on my already reddened ass, it was pretty stingy. Sir Redwing mentioned casually that if Beloved wanted to try the threaded flogger, he should do it soon... That made me moan in agony. Youko had said something about that one being the only one she'd ever marked from. Beloved picked it up and gave a few swings...OUCH! The thing BITES and the leather treads (I'd guess they were about 5cm wide, 18" long, and a lot of them) landed on my sides and thighs as well as my butt and back. I thought it would never end, but it did. He returned to the softer flogger, this time aiming a few swings at my bare pussy...I hid my face in embarrassment.
Beloved switched back to his hand and asked if I was ready for more. Whimpering, I responded, "Yes Master, I'm ready for more..." He told me to begin my count again...at one. I came close to tears just at his words...but the first "SMACK" resolved me. I don't remember if Beloved changed up toys, but we reached 100 again with no tears. Beloved caressed my pussy and butt for a while, and then asked if I was ready for more. "Yes Master, I'm ready for more..." It was HARD, it HURT, and still, I was trapped in myself, too aware of all the others to cry, too proud to surrender.
Sir Redwing moved the a ottoman and chained Youko very close to me...I so wanted to reach out and stroke her hair...to have a connection... I wasn't even sure if the restraint had enough give to do so, I wanted to try...but I didn't know if it would be alright.
Beloved stopped at 50, caressing me and rubbing me out. He poured hot massage oil on my raw skin, making me jump, and then rubbed the soothing sweetness in. It felt so good...but inside I was miserable. I hadn't reached tears. I hadn't surrendered. I hadn't obeyed. I felt badly enough to actually ASK if we were finished. I could hear the surprise in Beloved's voice when he said, "Yes...unless you want more." I answered that if he wished it, I would take more...but I didn't think I could give him tears. He brushed my hair and whispered that he knew that...it was fine, and we were done.
Releasing me from the bench, Beloved handed me my jammies and told me to change...I started to turn, thought I ought to clean the bench, and reached for the spray bottle. Beloved shook his head, no...he'd take care of that. The dressing area was occupied, so I returned to the room, thinking I'd just change there. Beloved ordered, "Preen."
I dropped my pants on the floor immediately, arms up, right foot up on the toes, and I managed the ghost of a smile. I could see out both doorways, and I saw Beloved and Sir Redwing as well as others eye me appreciatively.... The flutter of surprise brought a blush to my cheeks. "Relax." I did, and pulled on my jammies, trying to focus, distract myself from the situation.
When everything was cleaned up, we went and sat in the Catacombs and talked a little. Well, I tried to. I felt spent. Instead I focused on cleaning Beloved's boots (we brought saddle soap and rags for the purpose; no tongue job, thankfully). The Masters decided to check out the other scenes... Two girls were getting blistering attentions in the other room, and someone was in a partial suspension...I felt slightly sickened. They were giving so much more than I had...
Sir Redwing put Youko in the cage, and I asked Beloved permission to go be quiet. He nodded, and I went and curled up tightly in Catacombs, trying to sort out what was going on in my head. I was very internal when Beloved came to me and said it was time to go.
I felt unfulfilled, and didn't want to leave that way. Kneeling up, I began playfully kissing and biting Beloved, deep and sensually on the lips, light and teasing on the neck. I caressed his hardening cock through his pants, my eyes asking to take it further. He gave in and leaning against the spanking bench I'd been strapped to not an hour earlier, I licked and teased and sucked him to orgasm, swallowing his cum. I felt much better about the evening all the sudden. It was going to be alright.
There were things that had to be gathered, goodbyes to be said. Sir Redwing presented Beloved with a beautiful soft leather flogger to keep (!)...
I hugged Youko tightly ("WOW! You have a lot of strength for such a little person.") Mistress Carol asked if I had enjoyed the evening, and I told her honestly to ask me in the morning. She laughed and said that she often got love letters a few days afterwards...
I apologized on the ride home for not giving in, for not surrendering. Beloved shook his head, saying that he'd had a hard time focusing as well. He said that he'd stopped because he felt I was more aligned, more insync and that had been his true goal. I didn't feel that way...I wasn't sure what I felt at that point, but slowly something was sinking in.
Beloved and I got to bed finally at 4 am...I woke up before the alarm (which was at an obscene 8:30 am because of other engagements). I laid there, in the quiet, thinking about the night before. When Beloved woke and rolled over, I smiled.
We dropped Boy off with my parents and meandered the zoo with them for a bit. It was a nice distraction and the new buildings at Lincoln Park Zoo are incredible! After about two hours, we were all cold and ready to go...we kissed Boy goodbye and tucked him safe into the carseat in "Grumpy's" car...
The first thing Beloved said to me once we were in the car was
"Put your collar on, girl."
I could feel my stomach drop and bit my lip before pulling my collar out of my pocket and answering with a meek, "Yes Sir."
We stopped at Walgreens and got some tea. Arriving at the club at 5:10, we walked in right before Sir Redwing and Youko did, so we all met at the door. Despite being the primary contact, I was suddenly feeling very shy. We hugged hellos and then I darted off to put our coats away. Beloved sent me to fetch him a drink and then I joined the three of them in the lounge, Youko and me kneeling at our Masters' feet. Beloved and Sir were soon engaged in discussion and Youko and I warmed to each other, asking the first casual questions and then growing more bold about lifestyle preferences and toys.
About five minutes to 6, we went into the presentation room for Lady Di and Leather Matt's discussion on "Foot, Shoe, and Boot Worship – A Primer". Overall, the lecture was 1:45 of disappointment. I have no doubt that the two presenters have a deep and honest fetish for women's boots and *some* of the boot care suggestions were helpful, but overall? Very little on foot fetishes, nothing for the female sub, nothing for raw leather (if it wasn't smooth and shiny forget it...and Beloved's boots are not the patent leather kind). The result was more of a presentation on THEIR likes and then an awkward "demo" of Leather Matt licking Lady Di's boots...
Being seated on the floor in the front row, Youko and I got a very upclose and personal view of a man's ass in a thong and buttless chaps. ummm...well, I know there's a snap between the thong and the cock-pouch now...
Afterwards, the four of us when to a delightful Thai dinner and chuckled about the presentation. No one seemed to have gotten anything from it. oh well. Discussion turned to more personal things...how long has we been together and in M/s, was it 24/7, what were the training routines, etc. By the end of the meal, Youko and I had gotten comfortable and maybe the teeniest bit flippant... Sir Redwing and Beloved ended that with the comment that "We should return to the club and let the girls taste the floggers." It was a very quiet ride back to the club...
I went and changed into my club clothes...a tiny sweater top that barely covered my breasts and was held closed with three buttons at the cleavage, a straight black shirt, garters and stockings, and black boots that came up to my knee and have a 3" heel. I returned to the lounge and made Beloved tea. When he was done, Youko and I were put on leashes and our Masters wandered the club, taking in the four scenes in progress.
I was growing very unsure about the whole situation...it was a busy night at the club, and some VERY out costumes were displayed. Overall, it wasn't at all like the last time Beloved and I played at the club...this time it seemed harsh, blaring, loud. I kept my eyes downcast most of the evening.
Eventually, the smaller, semi-private room was available, and Beloved told me to fetch the toycase. I went immediately, but I was feeling light-headed and schooled my face carefully. This was the first time we had scened with anyone else, and it was a little harder because of that. Youko and I stripped to nothing, and then I was cuffed and ordered over the spanking bench, while Youko was strung up on the suspension bar...
I begged Beloved to squeeze my shoulders, to help me...he smiled and said, "Oh, I can to better than that..." and he proceeded to warm me up with an intense rubdown. Sir Redwing started in with light flogging, and it didn't look toooooo terrible...
Beloved then began to spank me. HARD. I was told to count...Beloved had told me earlier that he was going to spank me until I cried, and more. By 50 hard hand swats, I was sore but just not "there". He switched to the paddle, and that drove cries and yelps from my lips, but tears were precious few. He tried the spiky bath-brush, too, which I didn't know he'd brought. After some spankings with that, I gave in..."What the hell IS that???" Which made everyone laugh...but it was prickly and went squish...*shrug*. Beloved switched back to the spoons.
Through the doorway to my left, I could see a male sub orally pleasuring his mistress, and she was quite loud about her pleasure. It was distracting and I couldn't close her out. Somewhere else in the club a woman was getting some treatment that made her yelp in a loud, high-pitched scream. The serene music of Serenity room was overpowered by the alternative music of the lounge. I was feeling very trapped, very exposed. I felt loathing for the situation, wished it was over, was swearing in my head I'd never, ever come back to the club...
Around 120 swats, Beloved leaned over me, whispering to let it go...but I *couldn't*. He continued. At 190, I was panting and hurting, but still refusing to give in to tears. Beloved told me that on the 200th strike, I was to cry out the number (mostly, the counts had been quiet...) I felt some shame that it had gone so far...that I still hadn't been able to surrender the way Beloved wanted me to. I yelled "200!" at the top of my lungs. The blows continued...210...220...230...241...
Sir Redwing, at that point, offered up the flogger selection. All were hand-made and from what I could see, very nice. Beloved told me I didn't have to count the swings with the floggers and began with a wide-strapped soft leather flogger. It was actually pretty wonderful after the paddle. More like a caress than the whipping I was expecting. At first. The swings got harder...and on my already reddened ass, it was pretty stingy. Sir Redwing mentioned casually that if Beloved wanted to try the threaded flogger, he should do it soon... That made me moan in agony. Youko had said something about that one being the only one she'd ever marked from. Beloved picked it up and gave a few swings...OUCH! The thing BITES and the leather treads (I'd guess they were about 5cm wide, 18" long, and a lot of them) landed on my sides and thighs as well as my butt and back. I thought it would never end, but it did. He returned to the softer flogger, this time aiming a few swings at my bare pussy...I hid my face in embarrassment.
Beloved switched back to his hand and asked if I was ready for more. Whimpering, I responded, "Yes Master, I'm ready for more..." He told me to begin my count again...at one. I came close to tears just at his words...but the first "SMACK" resolved me. I don't remember if Beloved changed up toys, but we reached 100 again with no tears. Beloved caressed my pussy and butt for a while, and then asked if I was ready for more. "Yes Master, I'm ready for more..." It was HARD, it HURT, and still, I was trapped in myself, too aware of all the others to cry, too proud to surrender.
Sir Redwing moved the a ottoman and chained Youko very close to me...I so wanted to reach out and stroke her hair...to have a connection... I wasn't even sure if the restraint had enough give to do so, I wanted to try...but I didn't know if it would be alright.
Beloved stopped at 50, caressing me and rubbing me out. He poured hot massage oil on my raw skin, making me jump, and then rubbed the soothing sweetness in. It felt so good...but inside I was miserable. I hadn't reached tears. I hadn't surrendered. I hadn't obeyed. I felt badly enough to actually ASK if we were finished. I could hear the surprise in Beloved's voice when he said, "Yes...unless you want more." I answered that if he wished it, I would take more...but I didn't think I could give him tears. He brushed my hair and whispered that he knew that...it was fine, and we were done.
Releasing me from the bench, Beloved handed me my jammies and told me to change...I started to turn, thought I ought to clean the bench, and reached for the spray bottle. Beloved shook his head, no...he'd take care of that. The dressing area was occupied, so I returned to the room, thinking I'd just change there. Beloved ordered, "Preen."
I dropped my pants on the floor immediately, arms up, right foot up on the toes, and I managed the ghost of a smile. I could see out both doorways, and I saw Beloved and Sir Redwing as well as others eye me appreciatively.... The flutter of surprise brought a blush to my cheeks. "Relax." I did, and pulled on my jammies, trying to focus, distract myself from the situation.
When everything was cleaned up, we went and sat in the Catacombs and talked a little. Well, I tried to. I felt spent. Instead I focused on cleaning Beloved's boots (we brought saddle soap and rags for the purpose; no tongue job, thankfully). The Masters decided to check out the other scenes... Two girls were getting blistering attentions in the other room, and someone was in a partial suspension...I felt slightly sickened. They were giving so much more than I had...
Sir Redwing put Youko in the cage, and I asked Beloved permission to go be quiet. He nodded, and I went and curled up tightly in Catacombs, trying to sort out what was going on in my head. I was very internal when Beloved came to me and said it was time to go.
I felt unfulfilled, and didn't want to leave that way. Kneeling up, I began playfully kissing and biting Beloved, deep and sensually on the lips, light and teasing on the neck. I caressed his hardening cock through his pants, my eyes asking to take it further. He gave in and leaning against the spanking bench I'd been strapped to not an hour earlier, I licked and teased and sucked him to orgasm, swallowing his cum. I felt much better about the evening all the sudden. It was going to be alright.
There were things that had to be gathered, goodbyes to be said. Sir Redwing presented Beloved with a beautiful soft leather flogger to keep (!)...
I hugged Youko tightly ("WOW! You have a lot of strength for such a little person.") Mistress Carol asked if I had enjoyed the evening, and I told her honestly to ask me in the morning. She laughed and said that she often got love letters a few days afterwards...
I apologized on the ride home for not giving in, for not surrendering. Beloved shook his head, saying that he'd had a hard time focusing as well. He said that he'd stopped because he felt I was more aligned, more insync and that had been his true goal. I didn't feel that way...I wasn't sure what I felt at that point, but slowly something was sinking in.
Beloved and I got to bed finally at 4 am...I woke up before the alarm (which was at an obscene 8:30 am because of other engagements). I laid there, in the quiet, thinking about the night before. When Beloved woke and rolled over, I smiled.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
completely selfish, but...
I have a fantasy that is totally, completely selfish. I want a day...one, whole, day...of quiet, with zero responsibilities and nothing I "ought to be doing" to make me feel guilty about it.
Realistically speaking, it is impossible. Even when Beloved ties me to the bed, takes Boy, and leaves me to rest all day (yes, he's done that, and it was pretty wonderful), there's still this nagging voice in the back of my head about the laundry, groceries, cleaning...
We're exploring an interesting option..."Jenni" is a man who wishes to experience cross-dressing and is willing to exchange (or include) the opportunity with cleaning the house. huh. No touching, no hanky-panky...all I have to do is store "her" clothes and be around twice a month for the adventure. Beloved is agreeable, and has even given me help with sizings so I can shop for Jenni (she's given me $300 to outfit her). Which takes the serious cleaning off my hands...if it works out...
But really...If the ALL of the minor, everyday distractions were removed, I'd find SOMETHING to worry about. It's just the way I am. I. Don't. Relax. I keep hoping that the D/s will teach me that elusive state...
Someone Else is in control. Someone Else will define the priorities. Someone Else will worry. All I have to do is do as I'm told...and ignore the voices in my head. *sigh*
Realistically speaking, it is impossible. Even when Beloved ties me to the bed, takes Boy, and leaves me to rest all day (yes, he's done that, and it was pretty wonderful), there's still this nagging voice in the back of my head about the laundry, groceries, cleaning...
We're exploring an interesting option..."Jenni" is a man who wishes to experience cross-dressing and is willing to exchange (or include) the opportunity with cleaning the house. huh. No touching, no hanky-panky...all I have to do is store "her" clothes and be around twice a month for the adventure. Beloved is agreeable, and has even given me help with sizings so I can shop for Jenni (she's given me $300 to outfit her). Which takes the serious cleaning off my hands...if it works out...
But really...If the ALL of the minor, everyday distractions were removed, I'd find SOMETHING to worry about. It's just the way I am. I. Don't. Relax. I keep hoping that the D/s will teach me that elusive state...
Someone Else is in control. Someone Else will define the priorities. Someone Else will worry. All I have to do is do as I'm told...and ignore the voices in my head. *sigh*
Monday, March 3, 2008
Body Image Bandwagon
I was reading through Dragonmage's blog and then Vixen's blog about body images. I started to comment and realized it really was more of a post...so....
*soft sigh* Beloved has scolded me countless times about body image...and yet my fears reared again when he casually mentioned my being naked at the club. *gulp*
I am 5'4", 180 lb, 38DD, waist at 34", hips at 45".
This summer, Beloved invented the command "Preen" - arms up, wrists crossed, head turned slightly to the side, weight shifted to one hip. When he first used it in the presence of HalDer, I really struggled with being objectified. That's not a turn-on to me. I was embarrassed and shy and terrified at the thought of being found wanting.
Both Doms set me straight. I wasn't preening as an object...I was preening that they might enjoy, admire, and comment on my beauty. I think THAT flustered me more than being objectified (which, of course, delighted them).
MOST of the time, I'm pretty happy with how much I've gotten my body back. I gave birth only 16 months ago, and I weigh LESS now than when I got pregnant. I'm still breastfeeding, so my big breasts really show off the hourglass waist. I have little hope about losing the last of my pudge...a C-section cut through muscle means it's really REALLY hard to get those muscles to tone up they way they used to...
But, of course, the last time we were at the club there was a plastic Barbie type...one who was paraded in a leather harness, who was bronzed from the tanning salon, had perky but fake tits, and drew comments aplenty. Beloved shrugged, saying (later, to me)that it was obviously fake and wondered what sacrifices were made for simple appearances. Still, it's really hard to hold my natural body to that kind of comparison, you know?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not the media industry, not even in our own head (although our attitude conveys a lot!). Beauty is in the grace and pleasure I take in submitting to Beloved's wishes that I preen for whomever he chooses to share me with...plastic Barbie types included. I only hope that I can be as beautiful in my own head as I am in Beloved's eyes.
*soft sigh* Beloved has scolded me countless times about body image...and yet my fears reared again when he casually mentioned my being naked at the club. *gulp*
I am 5'4", 180 lb, 38DD, waist at 34", hips at 45".
This summer, Beloved invented the command "Preen" - arms up, wrists crossed, head turned slightly to the side, weight shifted to one hip. When he first used it in the presence of HalDer, I really struggled with being objectified. That's not a turn-on to me. I was embarrassed and shy and terrified at the thought of being found wanting.
Both Doms set me straight. I wasn't preening as an object...I was preening that they might enjoy, admire, and comment on my beauty. I think THAT flustered me more than being objectified (which, of course, delighted them).
MOST of the time, I'm pretty happy with how much I've gotten my body back. I gave birth only 16 months ago, and I weigh LESS now than when I got pregnant. I'm still breastfeeding, so my big breasts really show off the hourglass waist. I have little hope about losing the last of my pudge...a C-section cut through muscle means it's really REALLY hard to get those muscles to tone up they way they used to...
But, of course, the last time we were at the club there was a plastic Barbie type...one who was paraded in a leather harness, who was bronzed from the tanning salon, had perky but fake tits, and drew comments aplenty. Beloved shrugged, saying (later, to me)that it was obviously fake and wondered what sacrifices were made for simple appearances. Still, it's really hard to hold my natural body to that kind of comparison, you know?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not the media industry, not even in our own head (although our attitude conveys a lot!). Beauty is in the grace and pleasure I take in submitting to Beloved's wishes that I preen for whomever he chooses to share me with...plastic Barbie types included. I only hope that I can be as beautiful in my own head as I am in Beloved's eyes.
Long week takes it's toll...
Beloved put in 76 hours at the office last week...no, that doesn't include the commute. For that reason, there's really nothing interesting to say...
although I was a bit uppity and teased about needing a spanking or such on Sunday. Instead, Beloved entertained Boy upstairs while I cleaned the kitchen topless. I'm still trying to address the clutter and crap (piles for donation, piles for consignment, piles to put away), but there's some progress....One day, Boy-free, and I would have this place ship-shape!
*sigh*
although I was a bit uppity and teased about needing a spanking or such on Sunday. Instead, Beloved entertained Boy upstairs while I cleaned the kitchen topless. I'm still trying to address the clutter and crap (piles for donation, piles for consignment, piles to put away), but there's some progress....One day, Boy-free, and I would have this place ship-shape!
*sigh*
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