hard to admit

So many D/s blogs discuss orgasm denial as a training tool, a punishment, something to heighten the experience. I don't get it. To be perfectly honest, I rarely orgasm. Ever.

I actually really enjoy sex and intercourse, crave it most of the time, I just don't cum. It's taken years and years to even broach the subject with Beloved. I was afraid he'd take it personally, that it was his lacking and not mine. I also thought I was oh so very cleaver in hiding the truth. I learned muscle control and can make my pussy "quiver", and combining that with moans and pants and the "typical" orgasm look, I thought I was doing well.

Occasionally, Beloved DOES force me over the edge, and I fly! It's amazing and fulfilling and beyond words! But USUALLY, when I see that edge coming, I deliberately stop myself. I can't help it...it just is instinct to hold on.

I'm not sure when Beloved caught on or how long he's allowed me to think I was fooling him. It's only been in a few dropped comments here and there that I've realized he knows.

You know that sinking, embarrassed, FAILURE feeling? yeah...

I've been trying to understand what happens in my head for a long time and putting it into words is really hard, so if this doesn't make sense, it's still a work in progress.

My introduction to sex...my first time...was at a young age and was violent and involuntary. I didn't tell anyone about it for a decade, so it went largely undigested. Now...? Now, I think that there is some part of me that is afraid of cumming...that by letting go and enjoying sex that much will condone the rapists.

But I like sex. I adore pleasuring my partner. I am often content to forego sexual pleasure...one of our favorite exchanges is his giving a deep, nearly painful backrub while I suckle his cock. I'll give Beloved a blowjob to help him relax before bed and not expect anything in return.

When we do have sex...it feels wonderfully good, but I don't have the amazing release. I very rarely lose myself in the moment. Sometimes I'll see the edge coming, and I'll want it, but just in that realization, I catch myself and refocus, stopping myself from that climax.

And if the focus is me? That's almost torture! There was one morning that Beloved restrained me, blindfolded me, pleasured me...and left for a bit. When he returned, he had HalDer with him. He whispered that he was going to leave me with HalDer...I'll admit I loved it...it was fulfilling a fantasy of being given to another Dom...and being with HalDer, nestling close with him, was really special. But as a receiver? *whimpers* As hard as it is to cum in intercourse, it's much much harder when receiving oral because then it's all about me. When HalDer did release me, I rather insistently "dommed" him into accepting a blowjob. The result was the last part of the morning WASN'T about me...and that made it okay.

I'd like to say that it's my true nature, to put others before myself in sex, to not lose myself in sex, to be ready to fetch a warm cloth to clean up, to not cum... I'd like to say that I have control over this.

But I don't.

The other night, Beloved and I were talking about what happened at the club last time, why I couldn't give in, let go. Beloved said that I am capable of bottling an incredible about of emotional energy, and that he will "chop the mountain down". The D/s play is a part of that. He is offering me freedom, and I'm scared.