Unspoken desires

The last three weeks have been hard.

Beloved's work has been on hyperdrive, and he has put in 80 hours, 70 hours, and 80 hours...including a 3-day business trip away from home. When home, he has been bombarded with tech-support calls over things that HE shouldn't have to deal with, but convincing people to check if the box is plugged in before you call just doesn't seem to sink in...

He's exhausted, and yet he comes home and plays with Boy, gives me smiles, and we try to shoulder on...paying it forward.

But, and there's always a but...I'm working just as hard, trying to provide a happy home to come home to. Boy is entering the "terrible two" already where he is testing me at everything, dramatically throwing himself on the floor and wailing if I don't give in. I know what this is, and we are working through it...but it's stretching me.

Over the years, I have learned to turn to Beloved, that he always catches me, makes sense of things that I'm too frustrated to see clearly. I haven't stopped that, but these last few weeks, I've ached and debated about it...am I crowding him? Is my voice too whiny? Why can't I give him some downtime? How dare I need him to be my Master as well?

We made some time right before he left on his trip to make love, but we haven't played since club...maybe the disappointment of that night is weighing in or maybe it's just plain exhaustion. It's hard to tell. But I've been wishing...craving...more.

Of course, there's a problem, or it wouldn't be interesting, right? I'm still trapped in ugly social "norms" that I'm afraid of breaking. That damnable "good girl" image doesn't fit with begging to be tied up and spanked or pleading to suckle Beloved's cock or asking sweetly to be fucked ruthlessly and hard or admitting that the bi-side of me is driving me crazy. I'm okay (mostly) with wanting it, I can even manage to type it out, but verbalizing it? uh-uh...not gonna happen!

Instead, I fall into the "super-subtle" mode. I buy instruments of pleasure and torture. How else would you interpret a purchase of chains, paddles, dusters, clamps, and more? Isn't it obvious what I want?

No? Okay, I'll write a story or two. Something that touches my desire to be...used, shared, loved, claimed. Something that CLEARLY shows that sharing me is a way of binding me to him. And when that backfires and Beloved asks the hard question straight out, Is this a request? Or is it more of a show of your feelings in our relationship?"

I fumble the answer. I hint on the edges that maybe, please, can you read my mind and guess what I want? Don't make me SAY it...I end up blushing and flustered and stammering...but oh please....??? Does Master want to have me beg? a laundry list of my dark desires? I fire back with bratty indignence that he can't combat over a 1000 miles away. Except that he can...

Beloved: "yes, to begging sometimes; a laundy list is not necessary. That's part of the joy of possessing you...sometimes you will be Taken, others you will be forced to Beg."
girl: "I guess I'm confused...mostly because I'm not sure exactly what I'm begging for."
Beloved: "I enjoy both the forthright nature of your asking for sexual activities and the discomfiture it causes. It's difficult for you sometimes I know, Thats part of being my pet."
girl: "I think I ought to let you go...I'm feeling defensive."
Beloved: "ok, then putting down your collar for a min before we do. I realize that you have been left on the sideline for the last couple of weeks...if you need then you MUST communicate that need. As Master, I like you to ask because it does push your boundaries, I like that I get some clues as to the kinds of ways I can serve you from the top. Plus i find it HOT."
girl: "you like me blushing and stammering?"
Beloved: "YEAH!"
girl: "you have me all over the place...crying, laughing, feeling shy. all in like 20 minutes. How to you DO that to me???"
Beloved: "It's called LOVE best drug in the world..."

Yes...yes it IS love. And I love him more than ever, because he pushes me, gently, firmly...

But even now, I still haven't found the voice that will speak my desires.