Quiet day...

Beloved made pancakes and scattered little hearts on the tray he brought up to the bedroom. I had found some Oriental "seasons" prints the the kids and I gave him. We dropped the kids off with Grandma and putz on our computers. We had a minor wrestling match that led to sex. We had lunch at Steak-n-Shake.

No plans. No big purchases. Just a quiet day. EXACTLY what we needed!

I hope your Valentine's Day was enjoyable!

Happy - definitions

I was chatting with someone the other day...here are some excepts of what was said.

I am feeling you are happy, but looking for maybe something that's not really all that, just something different....I think it comes from giving up what you had for what you have. What you have is such a blessing, {yet} you feel resentment. That is the thorn in your happiness....you lost the (RL name) and gained the pixie...I am only speculating, but they don't seem to be as one. Both a part is not the same as one...

This has been wandering around in my head the last couple of days...well, years...life, to be honest. *sigh*

What is the issue? What aren't I happy?

I went and looked up the definition on Merriam-Webster

Main Entry: hap·py
Pronunciation: \ˈha-pē\

1 : favored by luck or fortune : fortunate [a happy coincidence]
2 : notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : felicitous [a happy choice]
3 a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment [a happy childhood]
b : expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness [a happy ending]
c : glad, pleased [I'm happy to meet you]
d : having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship


I certainly feel that I'm favored by luck or fortune! I have an amazing husband, wonderful-if-willful kids, a decent house, good family and friends, and I am well-supported in life. I think I offer "good fellowship" most of the time.

So it's the other bits...I have never felt I really "fit" in or "characterized by well-being and contentment."

In my own head, there's the voice saying "that's bad...you shouldn't LIKE that...you didn't try hard enough...you could have done more...you're not perfect" It makes me a little sick to acknowledge how loud and convincing that voice is. I hate it, and I don't know how to silence it. I am torn up inside and it hurts.

I don't want to surrender to it...gods, that would be a dark day indeed!...but my struggle and fight leaks into my life. I lash out in frustration and anger. I'm sad and uncontent.

It isn't new. *wry smile* My father will cheerfully tell tales about my childhood tantrums, the holes I punched in the plaster walls. My mother placed me in counseling when I was in 4th grade because she worried about me. *shrug* I've always been this way.

If there was a simple answer...but if life were SIMPLE...right?

funny, haha...er...yeah.

So, I took a BDSM Quiz that's been floating around.

hahahaha...I'm as vanilla as I am masochist, and I'm MORE vanilla than Dominant or sadistic. Being a service submissive, I guess it's a good thing to be more experimental than subbie, though...it makes it easier to serve your partner.



You Scored as Experimental

Experimentation is a great place to be. Open-mindedness when it comes to sexuality can open doors and allow you to discover things that you didn't think you would find engaging. Having such a curious attitude can help you learn more about your own sexual nature as well as the nature of others.

Experimental 96%
Submissive 82%
Switch 68%
Bondage 64%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur 61%
Degradation Lover 50%
Vanilla 43%
Masochist 43%
Dominant 32%
Sadist 29%

How to answer...

In 2007, I contacted someone to do some online training with. I found it incredibly frustrating because it as so limited. I thrive on being of service, but I couldn't wrap my head around what kinds of service I could possibly give this man, especially when he was sick and in and out of the hospital. Everything fell apart in early 2008 when I miscarried...emotionally I just couldn't handle it anymore. I apologized profusely, he understood, and we "parted" ways.

I'd been thinking about him and last October, I contacted him. I told him about having Girl, about my pushme-pullme submission. He wrote back:

As for the submission part, just take it as it comes. You can only be you. And when you are comfortable, you know it. There were times with me that I thought you were very happy. But when you were directed, you seemed to close down. So I do believe you have submissive qualities, but you are not a true sub.

*wry smile* I haven't been able to respond because his words stung so much.

Oh, I know...the only one who really matters is Beloved, and to hell with what anyone else thinks, blah blah blah.

But it DOES matter...because this is someone I respect, and I crave acceptance from those I respect. *sigh* And besides, Beloved has his own questions about my submission, often because I fight so hard when directed. So, I get thrown back into the stormy dark confusion about my identity, my role, my place in this world.

Perhaps if I could craft a response to the jibe, I'd be one step closer to serenity.

Let her run...

Sarah Palin got caught using a crib "sheet" after blasting Obama for using a teleprompter. People are up in arms about whether she's an idiot or if a few scribbled notes compares to a teleprompter and either bemoaning or hurrah-ing her consideration of a 2012 election run.

*shrug* Let her run. Is this not the country that says any native born citizen can be President? What's the harm? Seriously...she lacks the backbone, the subterfuge, and the class to get past the primaries (maybe I have some faith in the GOP after all. :-P) , but it would be entertaining to watch.

A note of adoration...followed by a tiny rant...

Beloved is the most special guy I've ever been involved with. Seriously. Yesterday, I was not coping well at all. I'd actually written, but not published, a blog entry about my frustrations with him. Instead, I e-mailed Beloved the entry directly, after warning him that I had a venting rant coming.

You know what he did?

First, he told me that while he was aware it had been a difficult week, he hadn't realized how I was feeling....that he understood where I was coming from....came home at a normal time AND brought dinner....helped get the kids down, the place picked up....and THEN set up the massage table and treated me like a queen and put me to bed for a full night's sleep.

Only then did he say that he had to finish some work and disappeared downstairs until midnight.

I'm so grateful to him for taking the time to help me, to care for me. I know that right now, work is being particularly brutal, and he still came to my rescue.

Beloved, I adore you and thank you for everything, but especially for your love!




**********************************************************
Okay, so now for my tiny rant.

Someone contacted me through one of the kink sites because "it sounds like you are very active in the community....Any recommendations on how to safely, descretly get involved with the bdsm community?"

I pop to the poster's profile, see immediate resouces that would be local, and send the information within 30 minutes.

And...nothing.

Am I asking too much for an acknowledgement of the service? A simple "thanks"? Or even a "hey, that's not quite what I'm looking for?" *sigh* It's not the first time...it won't be the last. It's just a minor disappointment that I needed to express somewhere.

*happy dance*

I found Beloved's shoes for more than half-off the original price. Tra-la-la-la-la! Sometimes it pays to be a stubborn brat about stuff.



*wry smile* cheap thrills in a service submissive's life