In 2007, I contacted someone to do some online training with. I found it incredibly frustrating because it as so limited. I thrive on being of service, but I couldn't wrap my head around what kinds of service I could possibly give this man, especially when he was sick and in and out of the hospital. Everything fell apart in early 2008 when I miscarried...emotionally I just couldn't handle it anymore. I apologized profusely, he understood, and we "parted" ways.
I'd been thinking about him and last October, I contacted him. I told him about having Girl, about my pushme-pullme submission. He wrote back:
As for the submission part, just take it as it comes. You can only be you. And when you are comfortable, you know it. There were times with me that I thought you were very happy. But when you were directed, you seemed to close down. So I do believe you have submissive qualities, but you are not a true sub.
*wry smile* I haven't been able to respond because his words stung so much.
Oh, I know...the only one who really matters is Beloved, and to hell with what anyone else thinks, blah blah blah.
But it DOES matter...because this is someone I respect, and I crave acceptance from those I respect. *sigh* And besides, Beloved has his own questions about my submission, often because I fight so hard when directed. So, I get thrown back into the stormy dark confusion about my identity, my role, my place in this world.
Perhaps if I could craft a response to the jibe, I'd be one step closer to serenity.
"To thine own self be true" is crucial to happiness. Unfortunately, this sometimes comes into conflict with taking care of yourself, which is also crucial.
ReplyDeleteIf I remember right, you got into DS to play Pok--err, you got into D/s for assistance regulating your desire to serve vs. your health and other necessary self-interest. That didn't sound like you got into it because it was your nature, just a technique you hoped would be useful.
So now, years later: what is it about "true submissive" that you're unhappy about not being? And are those things in your nature? Be very careful with labels, they should be used only for outbound communication, not to define or prescribe to yourself what you should be...
Also, taking direction is even harder for me than sitting back and enjoying--the mind spins, trying to make sure I'm doing the right thing and doing it properly, which takes me out of the proper headspace. If it's important to you, it may be something that you have to build up as a skill, in which case not getting it "for free" due to your nature would be nothing to be ashamed of.
Good luck!