Happy - definitions

I was chatting with someone the other day...here are some excepts of what was said.

I am feeling you are happy, but looking for maybe something that's not really all that, just something different....I think it comes from giving up what you had for what you have. What you have is such a blessing, {yet} you feel resentment. That is the thorn in your happiness....you lost the (RL name) and gained the pixie...I am only speculating, but they don't seem to be as one. Both a part is not the same as one...

This has been wandering around in my head the last couple of days...well, years...life, to be honest. *sigh*

What is the issue? What aren't I happy?

I went and looked up the definition on Merriam-Webster

Main Entry: hap·py
Pronunciation: \ˈha-pē\

1 : favored by luck or fortune : fortunate [a happy coincidence]
2 : notably fitting, effective, or well adapted : felicitous [a happy choice]
3 a : enjoying or characterized by well-being and contentment [a happy childhood]
b : expressing, reflecting, or suggestive of happiness [a happy ending]
c : glad, pleased [I'm happy to meet you]
d : having or marked by an atmosphere of good fellowship


I certainly feel that I'm favored by luck or fortune! I have an amazing husband, wonderful-if-willful kids, a decent house, good family and friends, and I am well-supported in life. I think I offer "good fellowship" most of the time.

So it's the other bits...I have never felt I really "fit" in or "characterized by well-being and contentment."

In my own head, there's the voice saying "that's bad...you shouldn't LIKE that...you didn't try hard enough...you could have done more...you're not perfect" It makes me a little sick to acknowledge how loud and convincing that voice is. I hate it, and I don't know how to silence it. I am torn up inside and it hurts.

I don't want to surrender to it...gods, that would be a dark day indeed!...but my struggle and fight leaks into my life. I lash out in frustration and anger. I'm sad and uncontent.

It isn't new. *wry smile* My father will cheerfully tell tales about my childhood tantrums, the holes I punched in the plaster walls. My mother placed me in counseling when I was in 4th grade because she worried about me. *shrug* I've always been this way.

If there was a simple answer...but if life were SIMPLE...right?