I'm short on sleep. I've been going to bed a little late...maybe 11pm. Girl wakes up around 1-2am and I'll nurse her, but she has now taken to waking UP at about 4-4:30am, staying UP for about 2 hours, and then going back to sleep. Boy gets up at about 7am and inevitably wake Girl up as well as Beloved and me and the day begins.
For me...it's usually starting on the wrong foot.
Today, Beloved has been very *productive* which makes me feel slightly more incompetent, and the cousins are going to descend this afternoon. It all combines to make me one edgy pixie.
So then I feel guilty about feeling edgy or snapping or not being more useful. I wish to improve things; I get the crazy silly notion of buying something Beloved wants; I get bummed out by the prices of the things Beloved wants verse the state of our finances; I get more grumpy because I can't buy something nice for Beloved; I resent the lack of sleep which is making me grumpy...
round and round.
I know I can't BUY Beloved's happiness. I know he'd much rather my smile, my cheerful assistance. I am just not sure how to give him those.
The other day, Beloved didn't want to play because he wasn't sure he trusted himself. That's not good. He knows I'm short with the kids and over-tired. That's not good. We are both so very stressed out and very tired.
It's hard to complain when we are still managing to tread water...we're not sinking yet...and there's a speck on the horizon that *might* be a rescue boat...if only we can keep it up for a little longer...
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