Who am I...?

It's a question that everyone asks, the doubt and unsurety leaking out around the edges of the words. Some of us ask more frequently than others. Me...I feel like I ask all the time.

Part of the reason is that I am no single person. I am someone different with Beloved, someone different with Boy and Girl, someone different with Shado, someone different with Sir, someone different when I'm online, someone different in a crisis, someone different in the gym. I cannot deny the facets of these differences, each reflecting a different hue, a unique sparkle.

I struggle with unifying all of these differences into a whole. How can I be mother and slut? How can I be impish and holy? How is it possible to be such divergent possibilities at once?

For a long time, I have allowed others to define me. If I am with YOU, you will see something that I think you will like. You may even glimpse multiple sides of me if you hang around long enough, but even then, I will allow YOU to define the moment, the scene, the relationship.

Yesterday, that led me into temptation. I do not regret the occurrence. For a moment I was heightened, sure, relieved. That was who I was because that was how I was seen. But the moment passed, and in another pair of eyes, I succumb to disappointment, betrayal. I am someone else yet again, defined by the expectations well outside myself.

And so here I am, asking again, who am I...?

Not to you...I know who I am when I am with you...I am whatever you want me to be.

Who am I when I am wholly myself?

Trapped in a soap opera...

Grant me WISDOM to accept the things I cannot change, STRENGTH to change the things I can, and COURAGE to accept the difference.

Either that, or would the director call cut? This really isn't working for me...

Love and Polyamory

The “English” language is a dastardly mess for complex communications, especially when we talk about ‘love’.

I love my children. I love my spouse. I love my best friend. The score is love all. Send her my love. They made love. I love strawberries. There is no love lost between them. For the love of Christ…

There are MANY other languages that have literally dozens of words which can be used to translate the English word “love”. This is one thing that makes my communications so maddeningly undependable, and something that I have gone round and round on. I do not know quite how to express my feelings with such limited words.

For me, it isn’t about the sex. People place certain meanings on sex that are artificial, but have become an instituted belief in the sacredness of sex. In reality, the act of sex is nothing more than lube and friction with a feel-good finish.

I am not looking to have sex escapades with multiple people. If it were that easy, I’d settle for a large toy collection or a swinging lifestyle. I want the rich complexity of the whole package. I seek connection, attraction, intelligence, uniqueness, personality. I do not fall in love with the body of an individual; I fall in love with the person who lives inside.

In a day of digital isolation, I dare to understand myself and who I am through other people’s eyes. I seek the sharing of deep, personal vulnerabilities. In offering myself, others also feel safe to also be naked emotionally...and together, we discover ACCEPTANCE despite those weaknesses. Sex becomes a physical manifestation of the emotional state.

There IS a fear, both of acceptance and the very strange possibility that love is a finite resource. First time parents may share secret fears that the baby will replace the love-focus of their two-person dynamic. Children worry that a new baby will be loved more, and certainly in the beginning, an infant requires more care and attention than the older child. Primaries ask “Why am I not enough?” and secondaries ask “Why would you pick me?”

I have tried to explain polyamory to monogamous people, and I am often asked, “Don’t you worry that s/he will find someone better?” What they really mean to ask is, how are you so sure that you are irreplaceable?

Society talks all the time about raising children with high self-esteem, confidence, and creativity. We preach about embracing differences, celebrating who YOU are. That YOU are unique and special and there is no one else in the world like YOU.

So why then do we think that we are replaceable in our spouse's eyes? Why do we question our value? Why do we talk about “buying love” as if love is something that can be divided evenly, like cold currency? Why does each person worry over acceptance or if being worthy of love?

There is some truth to needing to love yourself before you can love others. I have to believe that I AM WORTHY of love in order to really accept being loved.

Have I truly accepted that I am worthy? No…I still have inner torment and doubts that sometimes roar loudly. I struggle with why I have multiple secondary relationships and continue to explore additional intimate relationships. Some days, I curse polyamory for ever coming into my life, because it seems like I am forever stumbling over the words, the feelings, the complexities. How do I describe the partnership and lifemate I have in Beloved? How can I love Boy and Girl, and yet long to escape their constant pressing presence? How can I express the intensity of my feelings for individual people who have very different places in my life? How can I possibly love so many people?

How can I not?

Legal Petition: Keep the Government out of my bedroom!

We the People is a new feature on WhiteHouse.gov. It provides a new way to petition the Obama Administration to take action on a range of important issues facing our country. We created We the People because we want to hear from you. If a petition gets enough support (150 to go "public" and 5,000 to get staff attention), White House staff will review it, ensure it’s sent to the appropriate policy experts, and issue an official response.

Keep the Government out of my bedroom! Legalize sexual activities between consenting adults.

Laws that dictate what consenting adults can or cannot do in their own home are nothing less than unconstitutional, an invasion of privacy, and a violation of human dignity. These laws MUST be taken off the books. These include laws involving Fornication, Sodomy, Cohabitation without Marriage, and Adultery.

You can view and sign the petition here:

http://wh.gov/4Qg

Will you add your name to mine? If this petition gets 5,000 signatures by October 27, 2011, the White House will review it and respond!
Please share!

Polyamory is Wrong

There is a fun appreciation for this shirt in the polyamory circles. In general, we lighthearted dismiss judgement. How can love be wrong?

But this week has been hard. I have been asked some very pointed questions, and sorting out the answers makes my head ache. Still, I want to share my own interpretation...and perhaps gain some understanding.

It almost seems like you are continually seeking something you can not find. What is it that drives you to constantly seek out new personal and intimate relationships? What is it the you truly seek in all these relationships?

In my own ears, it sounds like an excuse, but we are shaped individually by our early experiences. While my childhood was filled with love and attention, I also learned that nothing is forever. My sister was born when I was two and her life was wrought with health issues. I was often in the care of others because my parents were at the hospital with her. My mother's cancer battles began when I was eight. When I was nine, I dealt with gang-rape, but with my mother in a coma and my father consumed with fear and responsibility, I didn't...couldn't...tell anyone. I was alone, despite all of the people around us and helping us. My mom underwent rounds of surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy. It was ugly and scary, and my father was unable to cope alone and with permission, he sought the company of another woman. My mom lost the war when I was fourteen, and she asked me to deal the final strike. I buried my feelings by assuming the "head of household" role, as my father sank into depression and alcoholism. Beloved "rescued" me, inviting me to marry him, when I was nineteen.

Complicated, eh? Lessons...life is fragile and medicine can't always save you; my needs are not a priority when others are in need; it is crucial to have a network of friends because we can't be everywhere at once; seeking the love and comfort of others is okay; sometimes we face nightmares completely alone, despite all the love and support.

My life with Beloved has been blessed. He has fought to overcome the neuroses with the patience and courage of a saint. He has nourished me, and I have flourished with his attention. And yet...soft smile We would talk about other people, but he was the one who ventured into another relationship first. I'm grateful to the woman he choose, as she was very conscientious and respectful of me, as a person and as Beloved's wife. But what's been done can't be undone. Can it?

what are you running from?

What is there NOT to run away from? On the bad days, I am a murderer and a slut. On the good days, I struggle with a sense of self-worth. The deep, intense need for measurable approval and external reassurance is huge. I cannot fathom the reasons that anyone would want me, in part because I am "damaged goods" in many ways. I do not see the value that others see in me. Then there are the situations when I find myself alone in the crowd, despite my attempts to fit in. If I cannot gain entry into the circle with being myself, what else do I have? If my sex is good enough to steal, is it good enough to buy the love and sense of connection to other people? Does that cheapen my relationships? I ache as I write, but the question is there, and running seems like a good option.

Are you afraid planting roots? Would the comfort of established relationships be such a heavy burden to bear? If so, why?

Yes, I am afraid of planting roots, in part because I do not like who I am. I want to be "better" than the image I have of myself. I want to be "good" and "acceptable" in a crowd, and I am not right now. I loathe the idea that this is what will be every day for the rest of my life. I do not want to feel this way about myself.

But little in my experience has taught me comfort in established relationships. Just this summer, members of my family...people who MATTER to ME...announced their rejection of me. What I thought was "established" turned out to be what I wanted to see. I never knew about the jealousy over my educational pursuits, the disapproval of my parenting style. Top that with the immoral poly lifestyle, and the last straw was drawn. Even within my own family, I am now an outsider.

Beloved remains my hero. In our almost seventeen years together, he has not abandoned me or given up on me. There have been a few painful moments, but when I would run, he has held me tight, kept me safe. My love is so strong that it makes me dizzy.

Then the little demon voice comes whispering. What have I done to be worthy? How long until I screw it up? Or have I already screwed it up? Wouldn't it be better if you just disappeared? What will I do if he leaves me? Who will I turn to then?

I have several relationships that I can turn to, but perhaps that is only because I have not revealed my whole. I have many facets, many faces, and maybe if I don't reveal them...maybe if I can find the one face that you like, then you will accept me and take care of me. That cold pit in the stomach grows with each thought.

Am I fooling anybody, or only myself?

Jazz Hands and Drama

I had a good weekend and I'm doing penance for it this week. oiy.

I suppose some of it is my own fault. I haven't been to bed before midnight once this week, largely because I've been having talks with Beloved about hard things. A lack of sleep always makes me edgy.

Add to that, I have been to the gym three times in three days. I am friggin' exhausted! Thank goodness tomorrow is Thursday and I don't have a workout to make!

I'm embarrassed and frustrated that after a decade of non-monogamy, the lifestyle caught up with us. I got a call from the doctor's office about an abnormal Pap for HPV, and they want a follow-up colposcopy. Yea! The bitch of the situation is telling my partners and my partners' partners. I didn't have it in June, I have an abnormal test now with an invasive follow-up. While I've only been with two people, there's no real telling who I got it from, or where he picked it up. So...yeah.

This has created some ripples in other relationships, and I'm feeling pretty miserable about being the cause. It doesn't change anything, but I'm sorry.

Beloved has been poking and prodding into why I have so many relationships. I feel like every time he asks, what I say sounds like an excuse and not a real explanation. Stuart Davis' Female Friend comes to mind, only in reverse. I'm hopeless. Sometimes...*sigh*

I was invited to go camping this weekend with yet another friend whom I'm interested in, but... *sigh* I am going, Beloved has said I can go. The guilt-complex I weave is about leaving him with the kids and potentially exploring another relationship. So, I accept the original "just friends" and we talk, hike, and potentially do some trance/mediation work. Easy. Right?

There's been MAJOR drama in another relationship, but I can't talk about that because really, I'm on the periphery. Beloved's reminded me not to take too much ownership, but it's hard because my friend is hurting so badly. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer.

End summary is that despite having the day child-free, I'm grumpy and tired and edgy. Sleep will (hopefully) go a long way towards sorting some of the stuff out, and the Serenity Prayer will add another layer of peace...

What is a submissive?

There is a dynamic and language is rarely good at capturing the depths and nuances.

When we think about D/s relationships, we are influenced, even trapped by the words we use and the images they invoke. In D/s, we usually think 'power exchange' rather than 'partnership'. If instead we consider service as the fundamental basis of a power exchange, the Dominant who receives service and the submissive who provides service are actually co-creators of value FOR the service in question, where the service is the application of skills and knowledge for the benefit of another party.

Someone offered definition of a submissive as one who has chosen to put the needs/wants/desires/wishes of her dominant ahead of her own.

I would edit that slightly.

For ME, a submissive is someone who accepts a role in which personal preferences are set aside to focus on the desire to fulfill the wants/desires/wishes of another. A submissive may wear a collar or sign a contract to signify the dedication to this desire. A submissive serves and submits to the will of another for a scene, an evening, a job, a year, a relationship. A Dominant may well be a submissive when catering to a client's demands or providing a flogging they really aren't interested in. A Dominate may take a submissive role to fulfill the wants/desires/wishes of another person. A submissive exists as a role that we can step in and out of. Outside of the time frame, the individual may or may not be submissive.

When someone is submissive, they have certain traits, personalities, habits that lean towards a sense of joy from service. Thus a masochist who submits to a sadist; a dedicated bootblack; a domestic who takes satisfaction from cleaning the house are all individuals who are submissive. Individuals who are submissive do this because they gain a sense of value and an understanding of self. Submission can also help to build social interaction, participation in the relationship, and expanding skills and knowledge in a particular area.

Thus, I am a submissive submissive, but I can be a dominate (aka, "alpha") submissive as well.

I accept the will of Beloved over my own in our relationship. My desires to please him come before my own preferences. I provide all sorts of services, freeing him from as much of the mundane household responsibilities as possible. I take joy, have a sense of value, and accept the challenge of improving myself in the places he asks.

Sometimes, however, I have to be pretty bossy in order to fulfill Beloved's (and others') needs. I will take ownership of unpleasant tasks. I will step in and provide guidance or organization for a project. I will insist on a doctor's appointment or that a break be taken to eat something. It might not look like a textbook version of D/s, but sometimes my service-submission is greatest when my actions look dominant.