African Chicken

Sterling commented, "African Chicken? Sounds like something you should share the recipe for."

There is a story I have to share first.

Before I was born, there was a young political refugee from South Africa. Upon seeing my Opa, this young man opened his arms and embraced Opa, announcing, "My American father! I greet you!" Opa brought the young man home, and that is how Molapatene Collins Ramusi became part of the family. I knew him as Uncle Mafa.
African chicken is a meal that he made for my family. I have vivid memories of how wonderful dinner was, and my mother's cry of despair when she saw the aftermath in the kitchen.

Although he was allowed to return to South Africa in 1984, when his wife was killed, Uncle Mafa returned to Chicago briefly...I don't remember when, but it was for a wedding, done with the traditional tribal flare. My Da and I were among the few white-skinned people who attended. It was the last time I ever saw him. I do not know if he lived to see Nelson Mandela released from prison, but I hope so!

The exact recipe for the meal made in my childhood home is long-gone. It is also peanut based, so I have had to experiment with alternatives. This approximation is close enough to bring back memories of a magnificent man.


African Chicken
Ingredients

• 2 green peppers, cut into rings
• 1 onion, cut into rings
• 4-6 chicken breasts, cut into cubes
• 6-oz tomato paste
• 3/4 cup "nut" butter (I use almond or sunbutter, traditionally, it is peanut butter)
• 2 cups chicken broth
• 1 teaspoon chili powder
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg

Directions
Put peppers, onion, and chicken into a skillet. Stir-fry until chicken is cooked through, and the vegetables are wilting. Remove from heat.

In a stew pot, combine the tomato paste, nut butter, broth, and spices over a low heat. Stir in the chicken and peppers and simmer for 20-30 minutes or longer...like chili, it is more flavorful the longer it sits. Just be careful not to burn it!

(Alternatively, throw everything UNCOOKED in a crock pot and cook for 4 hours on high or 8-10 on high.)

Serve over rice, with a variety of toppings.


Topping suggestions
flaked coconut, peanuts (almonds, sunflower seeds, etc), raisins, dried cranberries, banana slices, crushed pineapple, chutney, chopped hard-boiled eggs, chopped eggplant, apple pieces tomatoes, shredded carrots, chopped eggplant

a lesson to embrace

An anonymous writer challenged me in my last post..."Maybe the reason he didn't fight your wish to leave is because he wishes you would."

Perhaps this person is just a stranger who is embittered by a personal situation and didn't read or understand what really happened in the exchange I shared. Perhaps this person is less anonymous and is using my blog to fire poisoned arrows towards my heart just as I am swinging back to a more positive side.

I have a choice, though.

I can let the poison sit in my blood, boil in the back of my brain, and ruin my day.
I can take a deep breath and let it go.

*wry smile* My knee-jerk reaction was to rise up and challenge the person. Then I went looking for IP address loggers to add to my blog, to protect myself. In both cases, I allow this individual to dictate my actions.

Blogging about it is not much better, but maybe it is. The comment was mean and hurtful, and it stung. It does not change anything, though.

*blinks* Sometimes...wow. Sometimes writing here surprises me. Did you see it? The little spark of magic right just four sentences back? THAT is the lesson for the day! The comment, the other person...they are OUTSIDE of me. It does not matter what they think. What matters is what *I* think.

This is an internal locus of control,, for those of my fellow nerds and geeksters. *chuckles* I'm not precisely a Fount of Useless Knowledge...I use Google for that...but I love school-stuff, and I have a pretty good memory for bits and pieces.

I think this is the beginning, and what I will take to counseling this week. I need to develop a strong internal locus. I need to remember that I am a creature of light. I need to own my own feelings and my own actions.

*nods* Those are good things to work on.

Today, I am also going to work on laundry, and I'll do an initial pick-up in the basement while I'm down there. There is a Jim Gill concert that Girl and I are going to this afternoon. I am making African chicken for supper. I am going to begin prep for our Solstice celebration tomorrow. I am going to feel good about today.

cleaning...

Yesterday, Beloved looked at me for a long moment and smiled. I haven't seen you look this close to content in a long time.

A bit of a change from the last post, and all part of the roller coaster ride I've been on for a while. So what changed this time?

Friday afternoon, I made a very hard phone call, wrote a very hard letter, and ended a relationship that had become increasingly impossible for me to maintain. I'm so sorry...it was killing me and I had to let go. If you have lost someone you loved very much but knew it was time to let them go, you might know where I am. The restorative grief mixed with a guilty sense of relief.

Friday night, I chatted for a while with Futhark. Life experiences, while usually painful, tend to mature us and I appreciated his frank point of view. *wry smile* Sometimes it is hard to hear the outsider's view of "truth", but he didn't have anything to add that surprised me. Generally speaking, I've gotten to be a cold and nasty piece of work, and it is going to take some effort to undo bad habits. Let go of those little hateful thoughts, as Beloved put it.

Saturday afternoon, I took advantage of naptime to come clean about my insistent thoughts of leaving. Since we managed to pay off all of the credit cards, the only mutually held debt is the house. We each have a small monetary nest egg from our grandparents, and nursed carefully, I could probably land a work-study program at a college and reboot my life. I would not challenge his primary custodian of the kids. He would have Sunshine's support with the kids, and perhaps even a teacher-break by sending the kids to her school. Real and solid considerations.

He didn't challenge it. He talked about how hard it's been the last week since Tryst, his concern that I fall into the "no matter where you go, there you are" syndrome. He said that he would support whatever I *needed* to do, and encouraged me to work through some of this with my counselor to determine if it was a *need*.

He didn't downplay my feelings, didn't tell me I was being silly, didn't guilt-trip me about how hard it would be without me. He listened and he validated me. THAT did more for my soul than I can possibly express.

Sunday morning, we...Beloved, Boy, Girl, and I...we cleaned house. (In the midst of all this crap, our roommate bought her very own condo and has moved out to start her doctorate program. Bully to her!) The carpets were cleaned last week, we have a quote for filling the cistern in the basement, and now the whole house has been scrubbed down. There's still a mess of crap on the pool table...a hurry-up-and-wait with the basement and moving furniture down there...but it's CLEAN. We had finished up and were eating lunch when Beloved commented on my state of almost-content.

Today, I got some long-overdue garden work done. The lupines and alliums had dried and I harvested the seeds (If you are interested, I have TONS to share!). I wasn't so sure yesterday, but today, yes, I am feeling content.

Enough so that although there was an initial clutchly-clinging "don't go!" when Beloved left to spend the night with Sunshine, I am actually relieved that I had the time to do my own thing. I got the kids to bed and then finished up some pruning work and sat on the steps, enjoying the cooler evening air. Then I got some much needed work done on my own room...enough that the mess is contained and not spilling over everywhere. Then I took a long shower and scrubbed and shaved.

I haven't felt this CLEAN in the longest time.

bruised and battered

While not perfect, it had been a pretty reasonable week. Mostly quiet...carefully hiding my wounds, dutifully avoiding triggers, diligently seeking professional help. heh.

There is a certain amount of irony that must be appreciated here. I have an emotional crisis and finally hit the point that I should probably try in-patient help only to come home and find a letter from the insurance company that they are changing services to a provide I can not and will never again trust. *sigh* We're working on the bureaucracy. In the mean time, I might end up paying $200/visit out of pocket.

damn it.

But four days, and I thought maybe I was managing. Maybe I was putting the pieces back together enough...

It was not intentional, but Beloved drew me out, offered a new version of a trigger, and I collapsed in tears and loathing.

Tonight, he is out with people he met at Tryst. People he met with Sunshine at Tryst. Because of the emotional chaos I created, I wasn't mentioned. They know Saul and Sunshine as a couple, and they invited Saul and Sunshine as a couple. Although he offered the differentiation from D&d's "advanced poly" class...that there is a unique dynamic between us...I can't help but feel sponged out...replaced.

If I had asked, he would have stayed home. *sad smile* I don't want to be one of those people who expect YOU to be miserable just because I am. Still...ouch.

Well, that was a disater...

The good news is it did not rain while I was in the woods. I had good fortune in where my tent got placed, in actual woods and on the outskirts of the main camp. The tree that was directly overhead was a mature redbud, and I spent hours memorized by the canopy. There were some very pretty garden patches that I got to wander through, and I was delighted to recognize most of the plants...disappointed I didn't get a chance to ask about the ones I didn't know. The ponds had tiny little frogs that got brave if you sat quietly long enough.

But given that this was Tryst...well, the bad news is I spent the majority of the time in solitude observing the natural gems and trying very, very hard to keep a handle on the internal panic and emotional craze. I haven't been exactly stable for a while now, and for me, Twisted Tryst was about as nightmare-ish as it could get without it being intentional. Within 24 hours of arrival, I had a fairly complete emotional collapse. In the following seventy-two hours, I tore off Beloved's key, made a wreck of the remaining shreds between Rain and myself, disappointed and cut off Sir, and blew off Malifeo and SpiritualPennies.



I am a mess and it is serious enough that I am looking into the mental health facility in the morning. I am not sure how that will go, but if I am committed, it might be a couple of weeks before I see my computer again. I don't know what else I can say. For now, I am putting pixie to sleep and seeking out help with the wreckage of my life. *sigh* It's not the end...but I almost wish it was just plain over.

So long, farwell...

auf Wiedersehen, good night...

I'm heading out to Twisted Tryst in a few hours. I'm horribly nervous and am not sure I'm as prepared as I'd like to be.

Highlights I am looking forward to:

• drumming around a huge bonfire
• seeing Sir for the first time since September
• breakfast with Dawn and Dan
• lunch with my squire and his Lady
• quiet time in the woods
• sleeping until I wake up

Beloved is doing hooks in place of my getting branded. His reasons are like mine...shamanistic seeking, enduring the pain to breakthrough to flight. I know this, but I'm also wary of what aftercare will be needed. *wry smile* He is putting me in the place I put him when I was going to do the brand, so I guess it's fair. I'm trying to be supportive, but this is all kinds of OUCH in my mind.

I'm not quite sure what will come about when AprilBlue and I cross paths. *shrug* I don't know how much worse she can to without revealing herself. My heart hurts thinking about it. I also have a book for DSG...one I went looking for last October. My thought is to just leave it at their camper with nothing else to mark my presence.

There is another book going into my bag for MonkeyFetish. One that he claims is out of print and doesn't have. I think THAT will be fun to have delivered!

Rain... I don't know. I don't know what to say or do. I feel horrible for the place that puts Beloved, but I am overly-conscious of how fragile each of us is right now and anything...everything...triggers spiraling emotions. Maybe something will be worked out this weekend. There's a good 10 hours of captive audience ahead.

When I come back to the Web, more things will have changed than not. I just have to have faith that they will be better than they are now. I hope you have a fantastic weekend!

Smoochy-caliber

Beloved asked me to "Let go of all those little hateful thoughts." *sigh* I like the sound of that, but they are about as addictive as the transfat and sugary bad eating habits. I'm not proud out it, but my first thoughts upon waking up this morning were about ruining people's day.

At first glance, it seems a catch-22: Either I shut up and roll over and be railroaded or I ruin someone's day. Neither option is positive for *me*. Add some bitterness to the recipe - I predicted AND kindly vocalized this exact situation, and yet here I am, facing the issue completely alone while the other vested parties are off playing. How can I *not* be resentful?

Beloved asked me how my reading of "What's Submission Got to Do With It?" Of course I haven't gotten any further in reading...I mean, really, look at the last two weeks of posts...when have I have time to read?!? Maybe that should have been a priority, though, because maybe I'd have a better answer for how to handle this situation.

This project is going to take the better part of the day on my own, and I asked for help. This project is going to yield benefits to me, but it is also going to poison the entire weekend if I end up doing it alone. If I wait and see if I am pleasantly surprised this evening, I risk heaping helpings of anxiety all day and explosive fights (again) tomorrow morning when it is not done.

Damn it, I am so angry about being ignored!!! It's one thing to be a service submissive and offer service; it is another thing entirely to feel used and stepped on and doormatted. At 5:30am, I am dragged out of bed with these feelings, gritting my teeth and crying alone in utter vexation.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Check, check, check, and check.

Sheldon: "I'm gonna HALT here. I'm not sure if you're familiar with HALT It's a self recognition technique. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, that's YOU Nora and I'm not gonna get sucked into your negative energy. If you need me I'll be in my office, It's the one with the view"
Nora: "They've all got views you dumb shit"
Sheldon: "NOT LOOKING THIS WAY CUPCAKE!"

*wry smile* Death to Smoochy is a good movie. It is kind of awesome how slippery the slope is from pure heart to dangerously corrupted. I feel like the fuckin' rhino.

I would *like* to be peaceful, to look at this project and complete it out of love, to have it "fill my bucket." Simply ask again, politely and with a calm tone. *sadly* And what do I if when I am put off again? Why can't they just read my mind?!?