Smoochy-caliber

Beloved asked me to "Let go of all those little hateful thoughts." *sigh* I like the sound of that, but they are about as addictive as the transfat and sugary bad eating habits. I'm not proud out it, but my first thoughts upon waking up this morning were about ruining people's day.

At first glance, it seems a catch-22: Either I shut up and roll over and be railroaded or I ruin someone's day. Neither option is positive for *me*. Add some bitterness to the recipe - I predicted AND kindly vocalized this exact situation, and yet here I am, facing the issue completely alone while the other vested parties are off playing. How can I *not* be resentful?

Beloved asked me how my reading of "What's Submission Got to Do With It?" Of course I haven't gotten any further in reading...I mean, really, look at the last two weeks of posts...when have I have time to read?!? Maybe that should have been a priority, though, because maybe I'd have a better answer for how to handle this situation.

This project is going to take the better part of the day on my own, and I asked for help. This project is going to yield benefits to me, but it is also going to poison the entire weekend if I end up doing it alone. If I wait and see if I am pleasantly surprised this evening, I risk heaping helpings of anxiety all day and explosive fights (again) tomorrow morning when it is not done.

Damn it, I am so angry about being ignored!!! It's one thing to be a service submissive and offer service; it is another thing entirely to feel used and stepped on and doormatted. At 5:30am, I am dragged out of bed with these feelings, gritting my teeth and crying alone in utter vexation.

H.A.L.T.

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Check, check, check, and check.

Sheldon: "I'm gonna HALT here. I'm not sure if you're familiar with HALT It's a self recognition technique. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired, that's YOU Nora and I'm not gonna get sucked into your negative energy. If you need me I'll be in my office, It's the one with the view"
Nora: "They've all got views you dumb shit"
Sheldon: "NOT LOOKING THIS WAY CUPCAKE!"

*wry smile* Death to Smoochy is a good movie. It is kind of awesome how slippery the slope is from pure heart to dangerously corrupted. I feel like the fuckin' rhino.

I would *like* to be peaceful, to look at this project and complete it out of love, to have it "fill my bucket." Simply ask again, politely and with a calm tone. *sadly* And what do I if when I am put off again? Why can't they just read my mind?!?